Y'know What I Mean?

I have never claimed to be a know-it-all. Hell, I'm not even sure if the stuff I think I know is the stuff I am supposed to know. But as a famous Alzheimer patient once said, "I've forgotten half the stuff you'll ever know!" You know?

So, with much further ado, here is what I think I know about today's headlines:


Cuba TV Shows Castro Meeting With Chavez -- HAVANA - What happens when a doddering old Communist dictator with a cigar fetish moves in with an ego-maniacal Socialist dictator who wants to be in charge of everything? Comic genius. Join us on Tuesdays at 8 PM for Neil Simon's Revolutionary New Odd Couple. (Some viewers may be offended by the use of tobacco products in this series.)


NATO, U.S. Neglect "Psychological Warfare": Report - LONDON (Reuters) - The United States and its allies must pay more attention to 'psychological warfare' as they battle insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan, an influential think tank said on Wednesday.

"What? You mean all that yelling and rock throwing? And all that "la-la-la-la" stuff they do? We thought they were kidding. I mean it's annoying but I'd hardly call it warfare." said Cedric Cowell, head of British ML-6. "It's like a very large baby taking a tantrum . . . it is far too nasal . . . sort of like bad karaoke at a wedding. It is the worst example of warfare we've seen so far."



Teri Polo Set For Third "Fockers" Film -- LOS ANGELES - Teri Polo is set to reprise her role as Ben Stiller's wife in "Meet the Little Focker," the third installment of the movie franchise. "I think he cast me in the role because I play a great straight man," she said. "Actually, I think I'm funnier off-camera."

Yeah, and I'm funnier when I'm not writing, but who gives a F . . . Oh, never mind!



Virginia Slave Apology Debate Raises Tensions -- RICHMOND, Va. - When an 80-year-old white Virginia legislator recently came out against a resolution apologizing for slavery because blacks, he said, should "get over it," he ignited a storm of protests from black leaders.

One of them said, "Without an apology all of our affirmative action jobs, our lowered expectation educational standards, our sport scholarships, our illegal drug franchises, that dumb-ass sideways way we hold our guns, our horrible rap music that has only achieved acceptance through social intimidation, our political power based on threats of rioting and looting, and all of our white BIATCHES will seem meaningless. Y'all gottsa apologize!"

The 80-year-old white guy finally agreed to let everyone who ever actually owned slaves to apologize to everyone who was ever actually a slave.



And finally, in the "it is too stupid to be making it up category", the winner is:



California May Ban Light Bulbs By 2012 -- LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A California lawmaker wants to make his state the first to ban incandescent lightbulbs as part of California's groundbreaking initiatives to reduce energy use and greenhouse gases blamed for global warming.

The "How Many Legislators Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb Act" would ban incandescent lightbulbs by 2012 . . .



Damn, I wish I was as funny at those guys in California! Y'know what I mean?

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Snatched From the Headlines

(He said "snatch" . . . heh, heh!) "Juvenile, knee-jerk, ill conceived blather in reaction to a superficial examination of the facts." That could either be my treatment of the latest headlines or the Democratic response to anything happening, anywhere.



Oklahoman Wins Miss America Crown -- LAS VEGAS - Oscar Petertook, long time resident of the City that Never Sleeps, woke up this morning with a crown and a sash. Apparently, Lauren Nelson, a naked beauty contest winner had lost them and a $50,000 scholarship several hours earlier in a World Celebrity Texas Hold-Em Strip Poker tournament. She had won the coveted Miss America title hours before that, then walked away from the pageant area saying she was feeling lucky.

Shilah Phillips, the first black Miss Texas, was first runner-up and was immediately named to replace Miss Nelson. However the tiara and sash were "quite expensive" and Ms. Philips will have to make do with other regal attire. "That's right," she was quoted as saying. "Make the black woman wear the Burger King crown and the PO-lice line tape. Uh huh!"

Donald Trump and Rossie O'Donnell were unavailable for comment as they were at a nearby celebrity spa having their egos re-inflated. It turns out that Rosie's has a slow leak and The Donald keeps adding more air to his to make his hair look smaller.




Hobbit Declared a New Species as Debate Continues -- HILLSHIRE, England - Liberal scientists in a frustrated effort to find "the missing link" have turned to fiction to bolster their argument.


"Well, it makes as much sense as anything else we've floated," said Willard Fossilopolus, a Greek paleontologist here on a research grant. "We have never found one scintilla of evidence of any missing link between any species. And yet we have this elaborate back story, complete with pictures and museum displays depicting how we figure it must have been. Quite honestly, Mr. Tolkein's account makes far more sense than ours. So we are going to go with that for a while."

As he walked away, he paused and turned. "You know, we are open to other ideas, if you have any. The only thing we won't consider is that ridiculous God theory."



Australian Sells Own Life on Internet -- SYDNEY - A 24-year-old Australian surfer who sold his life, including baggage from a painful break-up, on eBay says he is still not quite sure why he did it.

Nicael Holt sold his name, phone number and all his possessions, including clothes, CDs, a surfboard, a laptop, a wonky pushbike, childhood photos and a "nice lamp" given to him by an ex-girlfriend, on the internet auction site.

The successful applicant bid 7,500 dollars (5,790 US) last week to become Holt, right down to spending Christmas with his parents and inheriting "some tension with a former ex from a painful break-up."

The identity of the eBay auction winner is known only as ridderstrade.

Holt, a philosophy student from the southern coastal city of Wollongong who has set up a website to explain his actions and ask for donations to charity, said he was unable to explain why he sold his life.

"Im still racking my brain to come up with the answer or any answer as to why I did this?" he wrote.

Motivating factors were boredom and intrigue as to what constitutes a life and what made him who he was.

He added he was "hoping to make a point that the amount and type of things that are for sale in this world is insane and wasteful."




All of these headlines were true. One of the stories was true. Two were closer to reality than the actual true story. You decide.

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Blog-lite

I'm a little under the weather today so I decided to post some junk I have written on some scraps of paper with hopes of someday turning them into bigger bits. If I do -- you saw them here, first.


Join D.A.M. -- Mothers Against Dyslexia





I have a friend who was so fat that he wasn't delivered by the stork -- he was delivered by a crane.








Q: How can you tell if a woman over 50 is hot?
A: She will be dressed in layers.











Some women definitely have a beauty-shelf-life. One day she is built like a brick shit house and the next time you see her she is built like a shit brick house.



Today's blog was sponsored by Yummy-Yum Saltines. So good you can't whistle for more!
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The Wide World of Snails

It appears it was Sports Night in Snailand, last night. Due to certain legal and contractual reasons we were not permitted to take any flash photography. We did, however, have an artist standing by to capture all of the excitement.


Note the subtle product placement.



Float like a butterfly, sting like a . . . ah, forget it!

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More Twisted Than Fiction

I was browsing the headlines this morning, looking for ways to twist the truth a little or, barring that, looking for for pre-twisted truth from the liberal media. Either way presents opportunities for humor.

What I found instead were several stories about twisted people. The Following headlines and story excerpts are as they originally appeared. And remember, this could be you -- if people only knew.


Florida Teen Gets $35 thousand in Topless Lawsuit -- PENSACOLA, FL - A teenager who sued the city after claiming a police officer forced her to do jumping jacks while topless has reached a $35 thousand dollar settlement, officials said.

Twisted Cop

Officer Shawn Patrick Shields found the girl, then 16, and a 19-year-old man together in a parked car in April 2003. Shields ordered the two teens out of the car, then told them he could arrest them for lewd and lascivious behavior, authorities said

The girl told investigators that Shields told her to perform five topless jumping jacks, which she said she did as he shone his flashlight on her.

Both teenagers passed polygraph tests.

Shields was later fired and pleaded no contest to extortion. He was placed on probation for two years in December 2003 and ordered to write a letter of apology to the girl.



Church Hosts "Porn and Pancakes" Event -- ONTARIO, N.Y. - It's not your typical church breakfast. An event being billed as "Porn and Pancakes" is being hosted by a church in rural upstate New York.

Twisted Pancakes

The breakfast discussion on the pornography industry in America is planned next month at the Living Word Assembly of God Church in the town of Ontario, about ten miles east of Rochester.

A billboard advertisement near the church shows the words "Porn and Pancakes" written in syrup on a stack of flapjacks.

Organizers told a Rochester TV station that the event on February 10th will be an honest discussion about pornography and its impact on society. The discussion will be led by Triple-X Church, a group of youth ministers who travel the country talking about porn and the porn industry.

Man Zaps Wife's Grandma After Dispute -- NORTH BONNEVILLE, WA - A man who said he used a stungun on his wife's 79 year old grand mother was arrested for investigation of domestic assault.Twisted Grandson In-law

Aaron de Bruyn, 26, was cited with fourth-degree domestic violence assault Wednesday and released from the Skamania County jail Thursday, Police Chief Calvin Owens said. The grandmother wasn't injured.

De Bruyn said he was arguing with Rosemary Garlock, who accused him of abusing his 7-month-old son when he swatted the boy's diapered bottom to stop him from grabbing electrical wires.

When she refused to leave, he said he shocked her on her right shoulder as she sat on the living room couch.

"She yelped, because getting Tased hurts," de Bruyn told The Columbian newspaper.

De Bruyn said he had the 50,000-volt Taser X26 energy weapon to protect against burglars. He said he called authorities, saying he had a relative in his house who would not leave.

De Bruyn's stun gun was confiscated.

"If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't," he said.



The lessons to be learned are:

a) No matter how young or stupid they look -- tits are trouble.

b) Porn breakfasts are just wrong -- that's sounds more like dinner talk.

c) Some things are just funny enough to be worth regretting.

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"I Never Said He Was a Fag"

There is some crazy shit going on out on the left coast -- even for them. It seems that Isaiah Washington is in deep trouble for saying at the Golden Globe Awards that he never said that T.R. Knight, fellow cast member on Grey's Anatomy, was a fag. Apparently, "fag" is the new n-word in la-la-land.

So, it seems that Knight and all of his fellow fags and all of the fag sympathizers are all prancing around in a dither. And the thing of it was, Washington wasn't even calling the fag a fag. He was denying that he called the fag a fag.

Knight, himself, has admitted to his faggotry. Is the problem that Washington was not using whatever the currently acceptable term is for these perverts? Should he have called (I'm sorry, denied calling) Knight a sissy-boy, or a queer, or a fudge-packer, or a cock-sucker, or a butt-fucker, or maybe just a little light in his loafers? Or are those terms too descriptive of their true deviance? Perhaps they wish to continue the mainstreaming of their immorality with a more innocuous word like "gay."

Whatever the fags want to be called, the fact remains that out in Pelosi Land, even the mainstream media is treating this story in an upside down fashion. Knight and all the anti-defamation fag groups are the "outraged" parties and Washington is on his way to psychological "rehab" for denying he called a fag a fag. He is letting them reprogram him into being more open and accepting of other men's right to "take it up the ass" or to suck an anonymous cock through a hole in the men's room wall.

But Isaiah Washington is the one who needs psychological help. Right.

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This Just In . . .

There was a story on the Internet the other day about sanitizing household sponges. The story about a couple of scientifical researchers described their process of wetting the sponges and putting them in microwave ovens, set on high, for two minutes. Afterwards, all the bacteria had been destroyed. Hurray for the smart guys!

Then -- along came the knuckleheads.

Microwave Experiments Cause Sponge Disasters -- REUTERS - Reports about a study that found microwave ovens can be used to sterilize kitchen sponges sent people hurrying to test the idea this week -- with sometimes disastrous results.

A team at the University of Florida found that two minutes in the microwave at full power could kill a range of bacteria, viruses and parasites on kitchen sponges.

They described how they soaked the sponges in wastewater and then zapped them. But several experimenters evidently left out the crucial step of wetting the sponge.

"Just wanted you to know that your article on microwaving sponges and scrubbers aroused my interest. However, when I put my sponge/scrubber into the microwave, it caught fire, smoked up the house, ruined my microwave, and pissed me off," one correspondent wrote in an e-mail to Reuters.

"First, the sponge is worthless afterwards so you have to throw it out instead of using it. And second your entire house stinks like a burning tire for several hours, even with windows/doors open," complained another.

Aaron Hoover, a press officer at the University of Florida, said several other news organizations received similar complaints, although no one had complained directly to the university.

"We figured, 'wow, we better let people know right away that the sponge should be wet,"' Hoover said in a telephone interview.

The university issued the following advisory: "To guard against the risk of fire, people who wish to sterilize their sponges at home must ensure the sponge is completely wet. Two minutes of microwaving is sufficient for most sterilization. Sponges should also have no metallic content. Last, people should be careful when removing the sponge from the microwave as it will be hot."



This just in . . .

Microwaves Make Cats Fluffy

Trash Compactors Better Than Baby Sitters

Winter Hibachi Cooking in Your Livingroom

Tuning Your Bose Radio in the Bathtub

Fun Needle and Razor Pranks for That Special Halloween Party

Hide and Seek and Household Appliances

War Games with Powertools

Staring at Laser Pointers

Planning a Swell Solar Eclipse Party? - Don't forget the Telescope!

The Safe and Swift Way to Run With Scissors

Whittling for Toddlers

Electrical Maintenance with Common Utensils

Cheating With the In-laws -- An Untapped Resource

Homemade Liposuction -- Elbow Grease and Ass Fat

Kidding with Security -- Toy Guns, the Airport, and You

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Chicks, Man!

Has it ever occurred to you that:

a) We are in the wrong business.
b) Fidelity is over-rated.
c) 30 minutes can be a life sentence
d) She probably has a voice like Daffy Duck
e) Some guy, somewhere, is sick of her
f)"No" means whatever she wants it to
g) Her "manager" gets paid up front
h) In high school her name was David
i) She will never dress like that at home
j) She purges after brushing her teeth
k) She has a 30 second shelf life
l) "Rough sex" means her boyfriend will cut you, man!
m) She is saving herself for the right basketball team
n) Yeah, but can she cook?
o) And if you take away the lights, and the glamour, and the fancy lingerie, what do you have? A hot naked chick!



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News, Newsy, News-ish

In an effort to become more like a real print journalist, all of our stories, today, are two to three days late. They aren't so much "news" as they are "new-ish." For those of you who get most of your news from the Internet, you may take this time for review or you may smoke if you got 'em.


FDA Ponders Raising Standards for Birth Control Drugs -- WASHINGTON - The government is considering setting higher standards for birth control drugs used by millions, saying that newer pills appear to be less effective at preventing pregnancy than those approved decades ago.

A spokesman for the FDA said, "We believe there could be several factors contributing to the decreased efficacy of The Pill. First, the bitches need to remember to actually take The Pill. Our studies have shown that not taking The Pill has even less effect than a placebo. We conducted the experiments at a Tau Omega Beta frat house. Using a control group of 100 female freshmen our research has proven that only the girls who actually took The Pill did not become pregnant. The other 73 girls went back home and are currently lying to their friends and family."

"Contributing to the study's results is that a very high percentage of the women who got pregnant were blond. Now, we have to be careful when analysing this sort of ancillary information. This does not necessarily imply that blonds are dumber. It could just mean that "good girls" don't fuck around."

Another factor affecting the quality of The Pill is that, in an effort to cut costs, Phizzer has outsourced it's manufacturing to a company owned by the Vatican. Plant Manager, Cardinal Roselli, was unavailable for comment.



Coin Shortage Could Turn Pennies into Nickels -- NEW YORK - A potential shortage of coins in the United States could mean all those pennies in your piggy bank could be worth five times their current value soon, says Conrad Velde, an economist at the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago.

Sharply rising prices of metals such as copper and nickel have meant the face value of pennies and nickels are worth less than the material that they are made of, increasing the risk that speculators could melt the coins and sell them for a profit.

The best solution, Velde said, would be to "rebase" the penny by making it worth five cents rather than one cent. Doing so would increase the amount of five-cent coins in circulation and do away with the almost worthless one cent coin.

"We think rebasing will really catch on. If it works with pennies our next move will be the dollar bill. In fact, we are currently sending tens of thousands of Sharpies to banks all across the country. The tellers there are being trained to turn one dollar bills into five dollar bills. This could be a real boost to the economy!" he enthused.

When asked if rebasing would work in other sectors, Mr. Velde said, "Why not? Remember that old Chevy in your garage? By rebasing it, you could be driving a luxury car. All you have to do is recognize that it is worth less than the material it is made of. Then declare it to be worth five times it's current value. Hell, everything I own is like that. If this catches on, I'll be a millionaire." After a brief pause for thought he continued, "Of course, the only place rebasing wouldn't work is Hollywood. If those people were worth half of what they think they are, they would probably double in actual value."




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'Nuff Said

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I think so, but where would we get that much peanut butter?

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Ridiculous!

You know me. I'm always trying to make fun of current events and recent headlines. The process goes something like this. I find a somewhat interesting headline or news photo, print it and the initial part of the accompanying story then spin it into absurdity. For example:


Iran Plans to Conduct War Games -- TEHRAN, Iran - Iran plans three days of military maneuvers beginning Sunday — its first since the U.N. Security Council imposed sanctions against it in late December, state-run television said.

They plan to start by gathering angry mobs in their own streets, holding up posters of dead people and burning other country's flags. Next they will sneak into other countries to give money and advice to radical groups. And finally, they will pretend to have a missile and nuclear program while making threatening gestures.

When asked about the effectiveness of such lame tactics they spit on the reporter, held him hostage for several weeks before beheading him in public. When interviewed on the phone they said, "Hey! How did you get this number?"

The White house is keeping a close eye on these events but, in any event, will be second guessed by the self-serving opposition party. Everyone was available for comment.



That's how I usually do it. But, every now and then, a headline or story comes along that is so patently absurd or ridiculous that no further embellishment is necessary. The very premise is absurd and everyone knows why and how it won't work. There is literally nothing I can add to it to make the story more silly. I call them "stand alones." Here are a couple examples:



Shot Duck Survives 2 Days in Florida Fridge


California Lawmaker Seeks Ban On Spanking


Hillary Clinton Announces Bid for White House



You see what I mean? Ridiculous!

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Odds & Ends . . . Mostly Ends

I have a wandering eye . . . or maybe it's a short attention span. It's just that as soon as I start working on one thing, something else comes along and the next thing I know I'm taking a shower and giving her cab fare. Which in itself is kinda funny. I mean, I live in a gated community -- out in the country. There aren't a lot of cabbies trolling for fares out my way. That's why I seldom answer the door for at least an hour after they leave. Chicks! You gotta love'em.

None of that has anything to do with today's blog but sometimes my wife asks me how my day went, so I'm messing with her. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge . . . you know what I mean? . . . you know what I mean?)


Rare Mammals on the Edge of Extinction - LONDON -- It isn't often that the northern hairy-nosed wombat, the finger-sized slender loris, and the mountain pygmy possum share the spotlight. But these odd creatures are the focus of a conservation program launched Tuesday to safeguard some of the world's rarest mammals.

But these aren't animals hunted out of existence or even species whose habitats have been destroyed. These are animals who are, literally, too stupid to live. And no, I'm not talking about the scientists running this poorly thought out program.

For example. The slender loris is the size of your finger. When you pick one up it immediately begins to hump your knuckle. It will keep at it until you get friction burns. And it doesn't matter whether you are male or female, these little fuckers will just keep on humping. But put it with another (female) loris and he just scratches his ass and looks for the remote. Scientists are puzzled by this behavior and the female lorises keep going home to their mothers.



I've been looking for an excuse to run this picture of Ivanka Trump. I still haven't found one but her tits aren't getting any younger . . . so here goes:

Considering inflation, she's worth more than her father.


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You're Going Down!

Michigan: Adultery = Life in Prison -- Philanderers beware: spouses caught cheating in Michigan could end up spending the rest of their life in prison.

And not the emotional kind.


The state's appeals court recently ruled that extramarital flings can be prosecuted as first-degree criminal sexual conduct, a felony punishable by up to life in jail.

When asked for local comment, one man on the street replied, "Hey, I'm Italian. I gotta do what I gotta do. You gotta do what you gotta do. Y'know what I mean?"


A woman commented, "Well, sure I'm married But I'm not, like, fanatical about it."

Upon hearing the news, local taxi and bus companies doubled their out of state rates and bedroom communities are springing up along the Michigan boarder.

The Michigan branch of the ACLU was elated. "With this new class of felony we are calling Pink Collar Crimes, we finally have a shot at blacks becoming a minority in the state's prison system. This is a great day for Justice!"

(Neither of my mistresses were available for comment.)

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Not Quite Ripped From The Headlines

This time I used a ruler and an Exacto knife. After I got the bleeding stopped, I switched to circling things with a big Crayon. Does anyone know if Crayon comes out of corduroy? Anyway, The headlines are real, blah, blah, blah . . .


American Idol Is Back For Sixth Season --

Will somebody please change the channel?

Nuclear, Climate Perils Push Doomsday Clock Ahead -- The scientists who mind the Doomsday Clock moved it two minutes closer to midnight on Wednesday -- symbolizing the annihilation of civilization and adding the perils of global warming for the first time.

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, which created the Doomsday Clock in 1947 to warn the world of the dangers of nuclear weapons, advanced the clock to five minutes until midnight. It was the first adjustment of the clock since 2002.

Dudes! You need a hobby . . . Seriously!



Evangelicals, Scientists Join On Warming -- Saying they share a moral purpose, a group of evangelicals and scientists said Wednesday they will work together to convince the nation's leaders that global warming is real.

Right after they get that whole "God" thing worked out.
















Was it "wash, rinse, wash, dry" or "wash, rinse, dry, wash" or "wash, rinse, wash, rinse, dry" or "wash, rinse, wash, dry, dry, dry" or . . .







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Every Man a King

Apparently, Monday was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. And I missed it. I blame Nancy Pelosi and that damned Tune-gate scandal. I got so caught up in my investigative reporting of that story that I lost sight of why we didn't get mail that day.

Isn't it ironic that blacks celebrate King's holiday by not working? And that the Monday mail holiday will make the welfare checks a day late this week?

Did you know that during the Million Man March only two people missed work that day?

I really do feel bad about missing Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, so I plan to make up for it during February's Black Education Month. I plan to teach a black person something every day that month. Did you know a black man invented peanuts?

Oh, and don't forget February 7th. It is Take A Negro To Work Day. I hope mine likes beer and cigars -- I'm retired.

Which reminds me. Apparently you CAN drink too much vodka. I got so excited about the first episode of American Idol last night that I started celebrating too early and I'm pretty sure I missed it.

The opinions expressed by the author are the sole property of the Microsoft Corporation and are voiced only to fulfill a contractual obligation made while installing his internet browser.
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Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti . . . C'mon Down!

The former head of Iraqi Intelligence is now just a head.

According to one report, when Saddam Hussein's half brother was hung, his head came off.

HAAAAA! Haa, ha, ha, ha, haaaaaaaaa! Ha, ha, hoooo, hee-hee, ha!

Ha . . . ha . . . ha . . . h . . .

wow . . . ha . . . h . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . His HEAD!!!

BWAAAAA! Haa, ha, ha, ha, haaaaaaaaa!



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Tuna-gate

I did a blog yesterday about Nancy Pelosi. In it I referenced the recent minimum wage bill that will go into effect for the entire United States and all of its territories -- except for American Samoa. The reason for the exception is that Nancy Pelosi has protected Starkist Tuna from the wage hike in a back room deal. The wage hike would have cost Starkist millions of dollars. The deal only cost taxpayers the integrity of the Speaker of the House.

Oddly enough, the only place I encountered this story was on the Fox News Channel and the New York Post. Both conservative voices.

However, if she had been a Republican, the mainstream (liberal) media would have had a feeding frenzy. It would have had a "gate" name by now. Such as: Tuna-gate, or Pelosi-gate, or Water-gate II, or Samoa-gate or something. The talking heads would have been yakking non-stop all weekend and Michael Moore would have had a film crew out already. Leno would have had some else write him a wry quip to stumble through and Letterman would have read a Top Ten list about it. And Clooney, and Penn, and Williams, and Baldwin, and every other celebrity asshole would have had their say about it.

But a liberal did it during her First 100 Hours of The Most Ethical Congress in History. So it gets swept under the rug.

And now, her fellow Congressmen will have two reasons to think they smell fish when Nancy Pelosi walks into the room.

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Payback Is A Pelosi

It seems that Nancy Pelosi has set aside her high moral standards for some old fashioned corruption.

WASHINGTON - Red-faced House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went into damage-control mode yesterday after Republicans charged she slipped a loophole into the Democrats' just-passed minimum-wage bill to benefit a company in her San Francisco district.

The legislation hiking the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour covered the entire United States and all its territories - except for one: American Samoa.

The GOP said Samoa was exempted because Democrat Pelosi is protecting the food giant Del Monte Corp., which is based in her district. Del Monte owns StarKist Tuna, which employs more than 5,000 Samoans, almost 75 percent of the island's work force.

The company had opposed the legislation, which passed Wednesday. The legislation increases the minimum wage from $5.15 an hour.

Now, it seems to me that if Pelosi is protecting her big business cronies at Del Monte and Star Kist from the unreasonable expense of hiking the minimum wage in Samoa, the same economics should apply elsewhere. If this is bad enough for business in Samoa that she is willing to become what she claims to despise, is it not bad for business for the entire United States and all of its territories?

You see, the Democrats claim compassion. They claim they are for the working man. The little guy. They want to raise the minimum wage, provide universal health care and give away other freebie benefits that would back-door tax many, many businesses right out of existence. So that they can be perceived as caring.

But the truth of the matter is that they are practicing a kind of politics that goes back to ancient Rome. Quiet the masses. Give away free bread, gold coins, and provide the Games as a distraction. Buy votes.

They do not care about about any of the things they are always mouthing off about other than their value as issues. The liberal agenda is one of made up entitlements, class warfare, and phony environmental concerns. They are (and always have been) the worst offenders, by far, when it come to ethics. They truly believe that the end justifies the means and that they are somehow more enlightened and better than other people and that those silly rules are just to keep the lesser people in their place.

Well, Ms. Speaker Pelosi, We the People have your number. And it didn't take long to get it.

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The Godfather of Soul

Yesterday, I wrote a blog about the idiots James Brown left behind. But I just barely touched on the man himself. He has been called "The Hardest Working Man in Show Business." I have always wondered about that considering other people say that true genius makes things look easy. He did sweat a lot, though.

They also called him "The Godfather of Soul." Again, I've always wondered about that. Isn't your godfather the guy who promised to raise you if anything happened to your parents? Does that mean that James Brown would have raised Soul if anything had happened to Soul's parents?

And what if something had then happened to James Brown? Would Brown's family have taken Soul in as one of their own? What if Soul's mother were white? Would they have locked Soul out of the house?

A godfather is also someone who is usually the dad's best friend when they were younger. As years go by and they drift apart, eventually dad won't even take the godfather's calls. He is like the uncle no one talks about. Sure, maybe you get a card on your birthday but that's usually it. So what's the big deal about being The Godfather of Soul? It's not like being The King of Rock and Roll. "King" is a title with some dignity and power. But "godfather" could be that guy seated behind the pillar at your wedding.

I say that . . .

What? Excuse me a second . . . I'm being handed a message.

It says that another meaning for godfather can be "a man who is influential in a movement or organization, through providing support for it or through playing a leading or innovative part in it."

Well, that's just . . . I, uh . . .




Escape Velocity will be temporarily off the air while we recalibrate our diodes and shit.

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What's Brown and White and . . .

James Brown is still in the news. He's been dead for about three weeks and his greedy ass family is so caught up in not losing any of their (personally) unearned lifestyle that they have apparently forgotten why they all gathered together in their mourning clothes. He's dead -- remember? Bury him, already!

The headline reads: James Brown Remains Unburied Amid Wrangling Over Estate. I think it should read: James Brown's Remains Remain Unburied . . .

It's funnier that way.

The teddy bear is a nice touch

And then there is the whole white chick and her bastard son were locked out of the house and left out of the will thing. It seems that Brown's partner, Tomi Rae Hynie (I'm not making that name up), and their 5 year old son, James Jr., have been left out in the cold. Literally.

Upon Brown's death they have not been allowed back into the estate.

The gates to his home were locked soon after his death, said Buddy Dallas, a Brown attorney, until (other) attorneys could get the estate's legal affairs in order.

The house is owned by the trust and "has been that way since August of 2000," Dallas said. "Technically, the trustees own it for the benefit of the trust. It was not in the name of James Brown and hasn't been that way for years."

Ironically, the Brown Trust seems to be for blacks only and the only affair they seem interested in getting in order is the exclusion of the white chick, Tomi Rae Hynie.

So, as the weeks drag on, James Brown's remains remain.

All I can say, is that his life must have been a real circus. Because the clowns are still running the show.

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Renting Movies

I've been renting some movies recently. This was because of the "break" the networks gave us between the holidays. First off, I don't need a fucking break! And secondly, I don't need a fucking break! But, since I had one I rented some movies.

It really doesn't matter what I rented because it is mostly dreck, anyway. But I have noticed something else that would annoy a sleeping cat. The WARNING statements. Every DVD you rent (and I assume purchase) has warning statements at the beginning of the discs.

The first one says that under federal and international law it is illegal to make unauthorized copies of the movie I just lawfully rented and that I am subject to a 5 year imprisonment and a $250,000 fine.

It's bad enough that I am sitting in my own living room, settled into my recliner, a bowl of popcorn on my lap and an adult beverage on the end table, and the makers of the movie feel the need to metaphorically kick down my front door and terrorize me with fines and jail terms for legally renting a probably dreadful movie, but then, they keep the damn warning on the screen for-EVER. You can't skip it or fast forward or anything. You just have to sit there and endure the potential legal wrath of the entire film industry. It is worse than trying to get from your car to the airplane unmolested.

But it is the second warning that gets me the most. It explains that any commentary or opinions found on the aforementioned DVD are not necessarily those of the makers of this dreck and they are not even sure how they got on the disc. This warning, too, is on the screen until it is seared into your brain.

Now, don't these two warnings sound a little schizophrenic to you? On the one hand they are saying, "Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!" And on the other hand they are saying, "What movie?" In other words they want full credit for a product for which they claim no responsibility.

That sounds a little like my wife's attitude about me during cocktail parties.



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A Life of Service

Often when a person is eulogized we hear the phrase "a life of service." This can mean anything from public servant to hooker. In most cases, the attendees at the funeral knew the person well enough to know the difference.

But in a broader sense, we are all involved in lives of service. Some of them spring from an altruistic desire to help mankind, while others serve misguided priorities, and still others serve merely themselves. Sometimes we choose who or what we serve, sometimes it is chosen for us. Sometimes we are good servants, sometimes we are bad. But we all serve some master.

Some people live for their car or boat or workshop. Some people are slaves to a spotless house. There are people whose world revolves around the stock market and others who hang on every political word uttered that day. Some have let work substitute for a personal life and others barely work because of their personal lives. Food, booze, drugs, cats, dogs, homes, hobbies, weather, books, painting, music, sex, children and parents have all been paramount in people's lives.

These types of service can probably be broken down to three categories:

1) For the good of others.
2) No real impact upon society.
3) Agent of evil.

Oddly enough, depending upon your perspective, a person can fit into two or possibly all of these categories. If we eliminate self-assessment it becomes easier to judge.

Some examples, just off the top of my head would be (in no particular order):

Tom Cruise - No real impact on society.
Donald Trump - Agent of evil
Jesus Christ - For the good of others.

Everyone fits into a category. Sometimes institutions or businesses can be extensions of individuals and can thus be categorized. Such as:

Microsoft - Agent of evil
Disney - Agent of evil
Daily Queen - No impact on society
Coppertone - For the good of others

I guess all we can hope for is success for the "for the good of others" crowd and failure for the "agent of evil" people. I'm pretty sure I'm having no impact upon society as are most people I know. Which is just as well because, right now, it seems like the bad guys are winning.

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2007 Consumer Electronics Show

The story so far:

Apple iPod 2001.............................................Microsoft Zune 2007

.........Mac OS X 2001.............................................Windows Vista 2007

How does Bill Gates do it?



ADDENDUM:

Apple iPhone 2007

Bill Gates just announced the new Microsoft WinPhone expected to debut the first quarter of 2013.


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Court Drops Charges Against Saddam . . .

. . . And Other Ridiculous Headlines. The headlines are true - my take on them, while flights of fancy and sometimes bearing no relationship to the actual facts, does qualify me to be a journalist. In fact, those are the current requirements from what I can tell.


Court Drops Charges Against Saddam -- BAGHDAD, Iraq - Saddam Hussein's trial for the killing of 180,000 Kurds in the 1980s resumed Monday with the late dictator's seat empty, nine days after he went to the gallows. The court's first order of business was to drop all charges against Saddam.

Saddam's co-defendents chanted, "We want our charges dropped, too!" To which the court replied, "Hey! I'm workin' here!" Later, the defendents were taken out back and shot. The court then reduced their charges to misdemeanors and ordered them to pay fines.


Report Suggests Mars Microbes May Have Been Overlooked -- WASHINGTON - Two NASA space probes that visited Mars 30 years ago may have stumbled upon alien microbes on the Red Planet and inadvertently killed them, a scientist theorizes in a paper released Sunday.

"We thought Martians walked on three legs and had a giant eye-thingy in the middle. For years scientists have known that fire extinguishers and huge amounts of electricity kills them." explained Herbert Heebert of the NASA gift shop. "So we were loaded for bear . . . or, actually, Martians. Hell, we didn't even have the camera swivels set to look down. If we knew there were microbes, we could have solved a lot of weight problems and just sent up a can of Lysol."


Elvis-Nixon Meeting Has Fans Shook Up -- YORBA LINDA, Calif. - The meeting between two of the most improbable cultural icons of the 1970s lasted all of 30 minutes, but thoroughly grossed out by-standers. The reunion of the King of Rock & Roll and the Sock-it-to-me President was like a scene from a George Romero movie.

"I was a fan of both men," admits truck driver Vern Hastings. "But I nearly puked! There was loose skin and hanging eyeballs and it completely ruined the sequined jumpsuit. Hell, if Elvis had lived, he still wouldn't look that bad." Mr. Hastings sadly shook his head. "But I did get their autographs!"




Here Is A Picture of a Girl With Nice Tits -- INTERNET CITY, Congo - There was no story associated with this photo. My guess is they are waiting for her to screw up and then they will run it.








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And Away We (escar)Go!

Many of you have written to me and said, " _______________ " Well, I don't need any more encouragement than that. Here they are one more time -- Snoodles!



I wonder how they turn the pages?




It's tough transferring in from another school!

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The Other Side of the Coin

A while back, I read a statement from a radical feminist (I think it was one of the Gloria's) that said, "All sex is rape." I assume that that includes the cuddly, giggly kind that starts out on the couch and ends up God-only-knows-where; with the tender kisses morphing into the more urgent ones that finally result in a frantic discard of clothing and animal-like coupling, with the moaning and groaning and dirty talk and urgent directions and the final climax. And that's just the girl's part.

I even understand what they mean when the feminutz say that. They see sex as an ugly necessity that, even when performed as a sexual need or as a loving act within the bounds of marriage, is still somehow required of them and will always be a symbol of their submission to men. Therefore, it is being forced upon them, and therefore it is rape.

If there is one thing I will never understand -- it is women. This is true of every man on the planet. The reason for this is because even women don't understand women. Sure, the angry, too ugly to be raped, feminists have their theories and maybe in their warped point of view they believe what they are saying. If that is true, I feel sorry for them.

But even if I will never understand women, that doesn't mean I don't understand stuff about them. And one of the things I've glommed onto over the years is another radical statement that comes closer to the real truth about women. That is, "All women are whores."

I think most women believe that they have the power in the relationship. That they have what the male wants and he wants it so badly he is willing to pay for it. The most basic distillation of this process would be prostitution. But women are far more subtle than that. So much so that most of them are not even consciously aware of this truth. They do it by some primal instinct.

But it almost always ends with the female getting what she wants. She is willing to have sex to have children, to keep her man docile, for clothing or jewelery, for vacations and to steer her man either socially, politically or career-wise. She is perfectly willing to trade sex for a visit from mother or with a co-worker for a little attention. She is willing to sell her body for "the perfect wedding" or for "one more fix." Sometimes, to fulfill her own urges, she is willing to trade sex for sex.

The true irony of this conversation is that both radical viewpoints are right. And the reason for this lies in the fundamental differences between men and women. You might say it is the way we are hard-wired.

Men are the hunter-warrior types. You wouldn't know it by looking at the modern version of most men, but honestly, it's still there in his genes somewhere. As a result, it is still in his nature to conquer or, as they say in the neighborhood, to "do her". He gets extreme satisfaction from this. So much so he is willing to trade almost anything for that feeling. Anything from cold hard cash, to a life long commitment to only one woman, living a life of a million compromises and finally the loss of his dignity. All so he can feel like a man.

Women, on the other hand, are the nest builders and collectors of sparkly things. And although nature cruely wired them to enjoy sex, they seem to be better at suppressing the urge than men are, giving them the upper hand in the supply and demand portion of the process. It is this simple little quirk of nature that accounts for "the world's oldest profession."

And that is why both sides are probably right and when things eventually get ugly it always comes down to this:

"Brute!"

"Whore"

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Are We There Yet?

"This is taking longer than I thought."

This is a picture of a man waiting for AAA in the 1870's. The Animal Ambulance Association later became the Poughkeepsie Auto Club which in time changed its name to Debbie's Donuts. Little is known about the man or the horse in the picture other than the man is the one wearing the top hat.

The boy with the dog, however, was Walter "Sillywalk" Anderson, often thought to be America's first cross dressing Indian (the tee-pee kind not the slurpee kind). He is credited with inventing the two knuckle "ball job" and was often associated with local outhouses.

The history of the photo is vague. As are the reasons for today's blog.

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The New N-word

Who isn't sick of hearing people dance around the word "nigger"? I mean, I GET that it is offensive to people of the black persuasion and if they or any people find a particular word for their race offensive, other people should honor their wishes. But I say that any society that is afraid of certain words is way too fragile and headed for more trouble than they are trying to avoid.

They claim an historical negative connotation to the word. Fine. But words change and morph into what we want them to be. Words are merely tools, after all.

What about the word "gay"? It used to mean lighthearted or carefree. Now it's number one meaning in the dictionary is "a homosexual, esp. a man". Do you know what a pain in the ass that change has been to poets and songwriters?

In fact, black people are so messed up over the n-word that they have claimed exclusive rights to it's use while roundly condemning anyone else insensitive or stupid enough to try the same trick. For comedians, who have always pushed the boundaries of civil respect, "nigger" is like walking a tightrope without a net.

But it is just like the overweight kid back in grade school. Once everyone found out he didn't like to be called "fatty" -- who could resist? This occurred for several reasons. First, there was the childish tease factor. Secondly, it was forbidden fruit. And finally, there was the entertainment value. In this case, I think our society, because of the violent reactions that we have seen in response to the word "nigger", has gotten past the tease factor. But the word will always have power as long as it is considered forbidden fruit and shock value has always been a hallmark of our humor.

The word will continue to garner a reaction as long as we, as a society, continue to give it power.

Another problem is that black people really don't know what they want to be called. They have at various times preferred Nigra, Negro, Black, Colored, Afro-American, African-Americans, etc. They still retain a connection to some of them. The NAACP uses the term colored people in their name but colored people has become inclusive of other non-white races as well. BET is the Black Entertainment Network. But I'm not really sure if Black or African-American is the current politically correct form.

I usually just make uncomfortable eye contact and say, "Wassup?"

The reason for our discomfort is that just as soon as we are comfortable with calling our black friends "Negros" they change it to "Blacks". Just as soon as we get comfortable with "Blacks" they change it to "African-Americans". It is a moving target with social consequences designed to keep non-blacks off balance.

My solution is to create a new name for blacks that embodies their black essence and has no historically negative connotations. And, by choosing this new appellation for them, we can all feel comfortable because we will all get the memo at the same time. Additionally, I've used Spanish in creating the name so as to be inclusive to our Hispanic friends.

The new name that I suggest for blacks is "Nuevo Negro" or new black. Its cool, its hip and its now.

Next up: Mid-East Peace.

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The Liars Club

I used to be a professional liar. Ahem. I mean . . . I used to be in sales. It's funny, really, how the two go hand-in-hand. Lying and sales. And with a little age and perspective, it's funny how everybody knows it. It is only the young, budding salesmen of the world who are unaware of the course they've set. After all, no one sets out to be a liar. Do they?

Young salesmen, especially in retail sales, don't have a clue what the are doing. They could be selling widgets, or shoes, or mens clothing, or hardware. It doesn't matter. All they know is that they are required to make sales. They have been given (sometimes) a very basic understanding of their product. They are told (in most cases) where their product is and (most importantly) they are taught how to operate the cash register. Everything they know about their product is (apparently) learned from the packaging.

Yet they all act like they are experts. This is where the lying comes in. If they portrayed themselves to be as ignorant as they truly are, they'd never make a sale. So in the lulls between customers they read the packaging. They arm themselves with a few key features and memorize some jargon. But virtually all of their answers come from the packaging. Prove it to yourself. Go ask a salesman (or saleschick -- mustn't be sexist) a question about a digital camera or an iPod. Then go back later and see if you can't find that same answer on the product's box. Sometimes, they will read the box in front of you to prove that they are right.

Where am I going with all of this? I am what you might call an "informed" buyer. I read ads. I check out products on web sites. I check out reviews. And, believe it or not, I can read the words on the product's packaging. So, one of my frequent complaints about "shopping" is that I usually know more about the item that I am considering than the sales person does. I usually have to inform them about certain features and sales points. And they STILL act like they are the final authority. I'm just a lowly customer.

So I started messing with them. I went to a local Best Buy and started making some really outrageous claims about the new Microsoft Zune player. Comparing that wannabe piece of crap to the iPod. I lied about the ease of use and the user friendly DRM that allows users to share their music with all of their friends. I talked about how cool the music videos looked on the device, knowing full well that no videos were available for it. I even praised it's innovative turd brown color.

I went back the next day and asked another salesman about the Zune, expecting to hear my spiel from the previous day. But the salesman artfully steered me to the iPod display.

Which proves my point. No one sets out to be a liar. When I got home that afternoon I saw an ad for the Microsoft Zune. Now those people are professionals!

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Gone Fishin'

I have decided not to blog today. Or is it:
I have decided to not blog today.?

Believe it or not, I have been working on that sentence for 284 days now. And the only thing keeping me from skipping a day is the placement of those two words. I wake up each morning convinced of one or the other -- only to choke at the last minute; forced to be witty or brilliant once again, when all I want is one lousy day off!

I visit other blog sites. Usually in the middle of the night so as not to cause a stir by my celebrity. I'll poke around, read a few comments, check out the site design and move on . Occasionally, usually around a holiday, other bloggers take a day off. Sometimes they just don't show up that day. Sometimes they leave a terse message, like: "I am not blogging today. Back tomorrow." Sometimes they will warn their readers in the blog the day before.

I do, however, have a different philosophy from most of the other bloggers. Personally, I don't think we should take holidays off. First, because the "I have better things to do on a holiday" argument doesn't hold water. You are an Internet blogger, fer Chrissakes!. We already know you don't have a life! If you did, you wouldn't be posting your lame ass blogs everyday.

Secondly, there is only one Christmas, and one New Years Day, and one Fourth of July, and one St. Swithens Day, etc. So you only get one shot at each holiday every year. But there are 52 Tuesdays every year. Why not blow one of those off?

I'm not sure what's wrong with these young bloggers now-a-days. Why back when I was a young man . . . O.K., never mind. Even I saw that one coming.

Anyway, my point is . . . I have decided not to blog today. Or is it to not blog today? Whatever.

Happy Tuesday!

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Those Lowdown Mornin' After Blues

The thing about the "day after" is that it is inevitable. Unless your party results in your untimely death or a "mad scientist" experiment results in the total displacement of Quizzno's Fourth Law of Toppings -- life will go on.

You can party your ass off today and Blockbuster still wants their DVD's tomorrow. You can shop till you drop (literally) and the credit card bills will come in tomorrow. You can wear a lampshade tonight and they still won't be laughing tomorrow. Booze is no excuse. It only makes tomorrow worse.

What is worse than inevitable? Inevitable with consequences. Like re-seeding the front lawn where you parked the SUV the night before. Like facing the Sales Department after one of them won your panties in a card game. Or facing the boss after you threw his toupee in the punchbowl. Or knowing you had a moment with your mother-in-law but not being able to remember the details.

Morning Afters can be fun if you don't suffer from hangovers (like me). Watching people mumble "hello"s and "g'mornin'"s; keeping their faces buried in their coffee cups, afraid to make eye contact for fear of having to talk about what they did or sometimes couldn't do the night before. Banging pots and pans and cheerful banter are always funny the morning after.

But, usually by the time the first ballgame is under way, the headaches have receded, the queasiness is gone and the beers and snacks are passed around, everyone is laughing again and only the women are remembering the stolen moments from the night before and are plotting the course of the new year.

So may this first morning after of this new year find you properly hung over, duly embarrassed and slightly fearful of never knowing the full story of last night.

Happy New Year!

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