Snatched From the Headlines

(He said "snatch" . . . heh, heh!) "Juvenile, knee-jerk, ill conceived blather in reaction to a superficial examination of the facts." That could either be my treatment of the latest headlines or the Democratic response to anything happening, anywhere.



Oklahoman Wins Miss America Crown -- LAS VEGAS - Oscar Petertook, long time resident of the City that Never Sleeps, woke up this morning with a crown and a sash. Apparently, Lauren Nelson, a naked beauty contest winner had lost them and a $50,000 scholarship several hours earlier in a World Celebrity Texas Hold-Em Strip Poker tournament. She had won the coveted Miss America title hours before that, then walked away from the pageant area saying she was feeling lucky.

Shilah Phillips, the first black Miss Texas, was first runner-up and was immediately named to replace Miss Nelson. However the tiara and sash were "quite expensive" and Ms. Philips will have to make do with other regal attire. "That's right," she was quoted as saying. "Make the black woman wear the Burger King crown and the PO-lice line tape. Uh huh!"

Donald Trump and Rossie O'Donnell were unavailable for comment as they were at a nearby celebrity spa having their egos re-inflated. It turns out that Rosie's has a slow leak and The Donald keeps adding more air to his to make his hair look smaller.




Hobbit Declared a New Species as Debate Continues -- HILLSHIRE, England - Liberal scientists in a frustrated effort to find "the missing link" have turned to fiction to bolster their argument.


"Well, it makes as much sense as anything else we've floated," said Willard Fossilopolus, a Greek paleontologist here on a research grant. "We have never found one scintilla of evidence of any missing link between any species. And yet we have this elaborate back story, complete with pictures and museum displays depicting how we figure it must have been. Quite honestly, Mr. Tolkein's account makes far more sense than ours. So we are going to go with that for a while."

As he walked away, he paused and turned. "You know, we are open to other ideas, if you have any. The only thing we won't consider is that ridiculous God theory."



Australian Sells Own Life on Internet -- SYDNEY - A 24-year-old Australian surfer who sold his life, including baggage from a painful break-up, on eBay says he is still not quite sure why he did it.

Nicael Holt sold his name, phone number and all his possessions, including clothes, CDs, a surfboard, a laptop, a wonky pushbike, childhood photos and a "nice lamp" given to him by an ex-girlfriend, on the internet auction site.

The successful applicant bid 7,500 dollars (5,790 US) last week to become Holt, right down to spending Christmas with his parents and inheriting "some tension with a former ex from a painful break-up."

The identity of the eBay auction winner is known only as ridderstrade.

Holt, a philosophy student from the southern coastal city of Wollongong who has set up a website to explain his actions and ask for donations to charity, said he was unable to explain why he sold his life.

"Im still racking my brain to come up with the answer or any answer as to why I did this?" he wrote.

Motivating factors were boredom and intrigue as to what constitutes a life and what made him who he was.

He added he was "hoping to make a point that the amount and type of things that are for sale in this world is insane and wasteful."




All of these headlines were true. One of the stories was true. Two were closer to reality than the actual true story. You decide.

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