The Liars Club

I used to be a professional liar. Ahem. I mean . . . I used to be in sales. It's funny, really, how the two go hand-in-hand. Lying and sales. And with a little age and perspective, it's funny how everybody knows it. It is only the young, budding salesmen of the world who are unaware of the course they've set. After all, no one sets out to be a liar. Do they?

Young salesmen, especially in retail sales, don't have a clue what the are doing. They could be selling widgets, or shoes, or mens clothing, or hardware. It doesn't matter. All they know is that they are required to make sales. They have been given (sometimes) a very basic understanding of their product. They are told (in most cases) where their product is and (most importantly) they are taught how to operate the cash register. Everything they know about their product is (apparently) learned from the packaging.

Yet they all act like they are experts. This is where the lying comes in. If they portrayed themselves to be as ignorant as they truly are, they'd never make a sale. So in the lulls between customers they read the packaging. They arm themselves with a few key features and memorize some jargon. But virtually all of their answers come from the packaging. Prove it to yourself. Go ask a salesman (or saleschick -- mustn't be sexist) a question about a digital camera or an iPod. Then go back later and see if you can't find that same answer on the product's box. Sometimes, they will read the box in front of you to prove that they are right.

Where am I going with all of this? I am what you might call an "informed" buyer. I read ads. I check out products on web sites. I check out reviews. And, believe it or not, I can read the words on the product's packaging. So, one of my frequent complaints about "shopping" is that I usually know more about the item that I am considering than the sales person does. I usually have to inform them about certain features and sales points. And they STILL act like they are the final authority. I'm just a lowly customer.

So I started messing with them. I went to a local Best Buy and started making some really outrageous claims about the new Microsoft Zune player. Comparing that wannabe piece of crap to the iPod. I lied about the ease of use and the user friendly DRM that allows users to share their music with all of their friends. I talked about how cool the music videos looked on the device, knowing full well that no videos were available for it. I even praised it's innovative turd brown color.

I went back the next day and asked another salesman about the Zune, expecting to hear my spiel from the previous day. But the salesman artfully steered me to the iPod display.

Which proves my point. No one sets out to be a liar. When I got home that afternoon I saw an ad for the Microsoft Zune. Now those people are professionals!

.