Get An iPod Ad -- Take One!

iPod: Hi. I'm an 30G iPod . . .








Zune: . . . and I'm a 30G Zune.



iPod: So, how are your brothers and sisters?

Zune: Me? I'm an only child.

iPod: Really? I didn't know. I have a lot of brothers and sisters. The baby of the family is the 1G Shuffle, then we have the 2G, 4G, and 8G Nanos, and I have a big brother 80G Video iPod.

Zune: Christmas must be fun for you guys.

iPod: For us it's more about giving . . . And, oh yeah, we also have family all around the world and we can hook up with Macs and PCs.

Zune: Yeah. We're only in the U.S. and only associate with PCs. Dad doesn't get along too well with others.

iPod: Bummer. You, ah . . . you look like you're putting on a little weight. We're both 30G but you look like you're about 40% larger to grip and about 17% heavier.

Zune: No, I've always been this size. I just have a big frame.

iPod: I hear you're available in black, white and brown.

Zune: Actually, it's pearl white.

iPod: Yeah, that's great. We aren't available in brown or that pearl thingy. But we do come in black and white . . . and silver . . . and pink . . . and green . . . and blue . . . and orange.

Zune: O.K. I get it!

iPod: . . . and red!

Zune: (no comment -- just a stare)

iPod: Have I shown you the custom engraving on my back? I get it for free.

Zune: That's nice. We don't have anything like that.

iPod: What's that you have in your chest? It looks sort of like my scroll wheel.

Zune: They are four directional menu buttons.

iPod: Really? Because my users can scroll at variable speeds just by running their thumb around my single wheel. Oh . . . AND I have your four directional menu buttons built in, as well.

Zune: Well . . . My screen is bigger!

iPod: I noticed -- it kind of fits your big body. How's your screen resolution? And can it be viewed without a backlight?

Zune: (no comment -- just a stare)

iPod: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Hey! I hear we can both customize our main menu items!

Zune: No. That's just you.

iPod: So . . . let's try to find some common ground. I support MP3, AIFF, WAV and audiobook files.

Zune: I do MP3 and WMA ( That's proprietary -- it's something just Dad can read).

iPod: Good luck with that. I support a lossless music format. You wouldn't happen to, would you?

Zune: No.

iPod: Gapless playback? Volume normalization? Audio bookmarking? Adjustable speed settings for audiobooks? Repeat single songs? Shuffle by album?

Zune: No, no, no, no, no, and no.

iPod: What about EQ settings? I have 24.

Zune: I have 7.

iPod: I have 11 transition modes for photo slideshows.

Zune: I have 1. It's called "fade".

iPod: Have you visited the iTunes store?

Zune: No, I'm not allowed to. I do all my shopping at Zune Marketplace.

iPod: Well, I'm sure they are very similar. iTunes sells individual songs for .99.

Zune: Zune Marketplace has a $5 minimum purchase.

iPod: Ouch! Do they sell video content or audiobooks?

Zune: No . . . and no.

iPod: I don't want to pile on, Dude, but I hear iTunes has one million more songs than your place and that our album art is at 20 times the resolution.

Zune: It's O.K., I'm used to it.

iPod: O.K., let's see . . . Can you connect to a digital camera? Act as an external hard drive? Do you have pre-loaded games? Or include a personal information manager?

Zune: No, no, no, and no.

iPod: You know, I ought to get going. Do you know what time it is?

Zune: No. I don't have any clock or timer functions.

iPod: Well, it's been interesting talking to you. I'd say I'll see you around . . . but I'm not so sure about that.

Zune: (no comment -- just a stare)

iPod: O.K., then. 'Bye.

.

2007 Consumer Electronics Show

The story so far:

Apple iPod 2001.............................................Microsoft Zune 2007

.........Mac OS X 2001.............................................Windows Vista 2007

How does Bill Gates do it?



ADDENDUM:

Apple iPhone 2007

Bill Gates just announced the new Microsoft WinPhone expected to debut the first quarter of 2013.


.

The Liars Club

I used to be a professional liar. Ahem. I mean . . . I used to be in sales. It's funny, really, how the two go hand-in-hand. Lying and sales. And with a little age and perspective, it's funny how everybody knows it. It is only the young, budding salesmen of the world who are unaware of the course they've set. After all, no one sets out to be a liar. Do they?

Young salesmen, especially in retail sales, don't have a clue what the are doing. They could be selling widgets, or shoes, or mens clothing, or hardware. It doesn't matter. All they know is that they are required to make sales. They have been given (sometimes) a very basic understanding of their product. They are told (in most cases) where their product is and (most importantly) they are taught how to operate the cash register. Everything they know about their product is (apparently) learned from the packaging.

Yet they all act like they are experts. This is where the lying comes in. If they portrayed themselves to be as ignorant as they truly are, they'd never make a sale. So in the lulls between customers they read the packaging. They arm themselves with a few key features and memorize some jargon. But virtually all of their answers come from the packaging. Prove it to yourself. Go ask a salesman (or saleschick -- mustn't be sexist) a question about a digital camera or an iPod. Then go back later and see if you can't find that same answer on the product's box. Sometimes, they will read the box in front of you to prove that they are right.

Where am I going with all of this? I am what you might call an "informed" buyer. I read ads. I check out products on web sites. I check out reviews. And, believe it or not, I can read the words on the product's packaging. So, one of my frequent complaints about "shopping" is that I usually know more about the item that I am considering than the sales person does. I usually have to inform them about certain features and sales points. And they STILL act like they are the final authority. I'm just a lowly customer.

So I started messing with them. I went to a local Best Buy and started making some really outrageous claims about the new Microsoft Zune player. Comparing that wannabe piece of crap to the iPod. I lied about the ease of use and the user friendly DRM that allows users to share their music with all of their friends. I talked about how cool the music videos looked on the device, knowing full well that no videos were available for it. I even praised it's innovative turd brown color.

I went back the next day and asked another salesman about the Zune, expecting to hear my spiel from the previous day. But the salesman artfully steered me to the iPod display.

Which proves my point. No one sets out to be a liar. When I got home that afternoon I saw an ad for the Microsoft Zune. Now those people are professionals!

.