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iPod: Hi. I'm an 30G iPod . . .








Zune: . . . and I'm a 30G Zune.



iPod: So, how are your brothers and sisters?

Zune: Me? I'm an only child.

iPod: Really? I didn't know. I have a lot of brothers and sisters. The baby of the family is the 1G Shuffle, then we have the 2G, 4G, and 8G Nanos, and I have a big brother 80G Video iPod.

Zune: Christmas must be fun for you guys.

iPod: For us it's more about giving . . . And, oh yeah, we also have family all around the world and we can hook up with Macs and PCs.

Zune: Yeah. We're only in the U.S. and only associate with PCs. Dad doesn't get along too well with others.

iPod: Bummer. You, ah . . . you look like you're putting on a little weight. We're both 30G but you look like you're about 40% larger to grip and about 17% heavier.

Zune: No, I've always been this size. I just have a big frame.

iPod: I hear you're available in black, white and brown.

Zune: Actually, it's pearl white.

iPod: Yeah, that's great. We aren't available in brown or that pearl thingy. But we do come in black and white . . . and silver . . . and pink . . . and green . . . and blue . . . and orange.

Zune: O.K. I get it!

iPod: . . . and red!

Zune: (no comment -- just a stare)

iPod: Have I shown you the custom engraving on my back? I get it for free.

Zune: That's nice. We don't have anything like that.

iPod: What's that you have in your chest? It looks sort of like my scroll wheel.

Zune: They are four directional menu buttons.

iPod: Really? Because my users can scroll at variable speeds just by running their thumb around my single wheel. Oh . . . AND I have your four directional menu buttons built in, as well.

Zune: Well . . . My screen is bigger!

iPod: I noticed -- it kind of fits your big body. How's your screen resolution? And can it be viewed without a backlight?

Zune: (no comment -- just a stare)

iPod: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Hey! I hear we can both customize our main menu items!

Zune: No. That's just you.

iPod: So . . . let's try to find some common ground. I support MP3, AIFF, WAV and audiobook files.

Zune: I do MP3 and WMA ( That's proprietary -- it's something just Dad can read).

iPod: Good luck with that. I support a lossless music format. You wouldn't happen to, would you?

Zune: No.

iPod: Gapless playback? Volume normalization? Audio bookmarking? Adjustable speed settings for audiobooks? Repeat single songs? Shuffle by album?

Zune: No, no, no, no, no, and no.

iPod: What about EQ settings? I have 24.

Zune: I have 7.

iPod: I have 11 transition modes for photo slideshows.

Zune: I have 1. It's called "fade".

iPod: Have you visited the iTunes store?

Zune: No, I'm not allowed to. I do all my shopping at Zune Marketplace.

iPod: Well, I'm sure they are very similar. iTunes sells individual songs for .99.

Zune: Zune Marketplace has a $5 minimum purchase.

iPod: Ouch! Do they sell video content or audiobooks?

Zune: No . . . and no.

iPod: I don't want to pile on, Dude, but I hear iTunes has one million more songs than your place and that our album art is at 20 times the resolution.

Zune: It's O.K., I'm used to it.

iPod: O.K., let's see . . . Can you connect to a digital camera? Act as an external hard drive? Do you have pre-loaded games? Or include a personal information manager?

Zune: No, no, no, and no.

iPod: You know, I ought to get going. Do you know what time it is?

Zune: No. I don't have any clock or timer functions.

iPod: Well, it's been interesting talking to you. I'd say I'll see you around . . . but I'm not so sure about that.

Zune: (no comment -- just a stare)

iPod: O.K., then. 'Bye.

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