Behind the Headlines

As I sit here with my brain in my hand, I peer at it as a seer would a crystal ball. Except that my brain isn't shiny, there's nothing in it anyone else would pay to hear, and it is about a quarter of the size of any self-respecting crystal ball. But that is where the dis-similarities end. And where we enter . . . The Escape Velocity Zone.


Virginia Apologizes for Role in Slavery -- RICHMOND, Va. - Meeting on the grounds of the former Confederate Capitol, the Virginia General Assembly voted unanimously Saturday to express "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery.

"And now let us turn our attention to the Darkies and their supposed dis-satisfaction with the Institution of Slavery. We . . . ahh . . .we are sorry it didn't work out for y'all. And . . . ahh . . . we apologize for any unpleasantness you may have experienced. And . . . we can only say that if y'all can find it in your hearts to give us another chance, we . . . ahh . . . we've learned from our mistakes and would do a better job of managing the situation the next time. Thank you."

The measure also expressed regret for "the exploitation of Native Americans."



Eight Places Every Woman Should Go -- NEW YORK - It turns out that Escape Velocity was hoaxed by an earlier blog entry on February 23rd by restaurateur Sal Manella. He never read the book in question and we apologize for any misunderstandings or hard feelings resulting from Mr. Manilla's somewhat misogynistic viewpoint.

We asked one of our interns, here at Escape Velocity's National Headquarters, to read the book and give us a quick review.

Escape Velocity: So, David. Did you read the book?

David: As far as you know.

Escape Velocity: What was it about?

David: Eight places every woman should go.

Escape Velocity: Yes. That's the title of the book. What was it about?

David: Well . . . it, ahh . . . it was aboooout . . . um . . . it was about eight . . . places . . . that,uh . . . women should go!

Escape Velocity: What does that mean?

David: Well . . . the book is about . . . eight . . . eight places women should really try to go . . . to the bathroom. Yeah, that's it. The bathroom!

Escape Velocity: The bathroom?

David: Yeah. Like in the woods . . . or the bus station . . . or on a balcony. That kind of stuff.

Escape Velocity: You didn't read the book -- did you, you little shit?

David: . . . No, sir.

Escape Velocity: There you have it, folks. Apparently, no one has read Eight Places Every Woman Should Go and they don't seem inclined to start now.



First Beaver Spotted in NYC in 200 Years -- NEW YORK - That was the headline -- but wasn't Britney Spears in New York a couple of months ago?

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