More Twisted Than Fiction

I was browsing the headlines this morning, looking for ways to twist the truth a little or, barring that, looking for for pre-twisted truth from the liberal media. Either way presents opportunities for humor.

What I found instead were several stories about twisted people. The Following headlines and story excerpts are as they originally appeared. And remember, this could be you -- if people only knew.


Florida Teen Gets $35 thousand in Topless Lawsuit -- PENSACOLA, FL - A teenager who sued the city after claiming a police officer forced her to do jumping jacks while topless has reached a $35 thousand dollar settlement, officials said.

Twisted Cop

Officer Shawn Patrick Shields found the girl, then 16, and a 19-year-old man together in a parked car in April 2003. Shields ordered the two teens out of the car, then told them he could arrest them for lewd and lascivious behavior, authorities said

The girl told investigators that Shields told her to perform five topless jumping jacks, which she said she did as he shone his flashlight on her.

Both teenagers passed polygraph tests.

Shields was later fired and pleaded no contest to extortion. He was placed on probation for two years in December 2003 and ordered to write a letter of apology to the girl.



Church Hosts "Porn and Pancakes" Event -- ONTARIO, N.Y. - It's not your typical church breakfast. An event being billed as "Porn and Pancakes" is being hosted by a church in rural upstate New York.

Twisted Pancakes

The breakfast discussion on the pornography industry in America is planned next month at the Living Word Assembly of God Church in the town of Ontario, about ten miles east of Rochester.

A billboard advertisement near the church shows the words "Porn and Pancakes" written in syrup on a stack of flapjacks.

Organizers told a Rochester TV station that the event on February 10th will be an honest discussion about pornography and its impact on society. The discussion will be led by Triple-X Church, a group of youth ministers who travel the country talking about porn and the porn industry.

Man Zaps Wife's Grandma After Dispute -- NORTH BONNEVILLE, WA - A man who said he used a stungun on his wife's 79 year old grand mother was arrested for investigation of domestic assault.Twisted Grandson In-law

Aaron de Bruyn, 26, was cited with fourth-degree domestic violence assault Wednesday and released from the Skamania County jail Thursday, Police Chief Calvin Owens said. The grandmother wasn't injured.

De Bruyn said he was arguing with Rosemary Garlock, who accused him of abusing his 7-month-old son when he swatted the boy's diapered bottom to stop him from grabbing electrical wires.

When she refused to leave, he said he shocked her on her right shoulder as she sat on the living room couch.

"She yelped, because getting Tased hurts," de Bruyn told The Columbian newspaper.

De Bruyn said he had the 50,000-volt Taser X26 energy weapon to protect against burglars. He said he called authorities, saying he had a relative in his house who would not leave.

De Bruyn's stun gun was confiscated.

"If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't," he said.



The lessons to be learned are:

a) No matter how young or stupid they look -- tits are trouble.

b) Porn breakfasts are just wrong -- that's sounds more like dinner talk.

c) Some things are just funny enough to be worth regretting.

.