Court Drops Charges Against Saddam . . .

. . . And Other Ridiculous Headlines. The headlines are true - my take on them, while flights of fancy and sometimes bearing no relationship to the actual facts, does qualify me to be a journalist. In fact, those are the current requirements from what I can tell.


Court Drops Charges Against Saddam -- BAGHDAD, Iraq - Saddam Hussein's trial for the killing of 180,000 Kurds in the 1980s resumed Monday with the late dictator's seat empty, nine days after he went to the gallows. The court's first order of business was to drop all charges against Saddam.

Saddam's co-defendents chanted, "We want our charges dropped, too!" To which the court replied, "Hey! I'm workin' here!" Later, the defendents were taken out back and shot. The court then reduced their charges to misdemeanors and ordered them to pay fines.


Report Suggests Mars Microbes May Have Been Overlooked -- WASHINGTON - Two NASA space probes that visited Mars 30 years ago may have stumbled upon alien microbes on the Red Planet and inadvertently killed them, a scientist theorizes in a paper released Sunday.

"We thought Martians walked on three legs and had a giant eye-thingy in the middle. For years scientists have known that fire extinguishers and huge amounts of electricity kills them." explained Herbert Heebert of the NASA gift shop. "So we were loaded for bear . . . or, actually, Martians. Hell, we didn't even have the camera swivels set to look down. If we knew there were microbes, we could have solved a lot of weight problems and just sent up a can of Lysol."


Elvis-Nixon Meeting Has Fans Shook Up -- YORBA LINDA, Calif. - The meeting between two of the most improbable cultural icons of the 1970s lasted all of 30 minutes, but thoroughly grossed out by-standers. The reunion of the King of Rock & Roll and the Sock-it-to-me President was like a scene from a George Romero movie.

"I was a fan of both men," admits truck driver Vern Hastings. "But I nearly puked! There was loose skin and hanging eyeballs and it completely ruined the sequined jumpsuit. Hell, if Elvis had lived, he still wouldn't look that bad." Mr. Hastings sadly shook his head. "But I did get their autographs!"




Here Is A Picture of a Girl With Nice Tits -- INTERNET CITY, Congo - There was no story associated with this photo. My guess is they are waiting for her to screw up and then they will run it.








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