Coincidence?...

We were sitting around the partially built fire-pit the other day, just shooting the breeze. It was a pleasant evening and we didn't really need the fire anyway. We were sippin' our various drinks. A few of us were smoking cigars to keep the bugs away. The conversation was mostly light. Eventually it drifted to one of our favorite topics. Coincidences.

First let me explain, that as a former tech adviser to the printing industry, I don't usually buy into this whole coincidence thing. When you can control all of the variables in any given process - things don't just happen. However - as most of my female friends are always quick to point out - things happen for a reason. So I'm usually willing to compromise and call them a favorable convergences of circumstances.

Such as the TOTAL coincidence that a friend of ours works as an airline attendant AND the petite red head had to recently fly somewhere. AND, (here it comes) they are BOTH using the SAME airport! I KNOW! It's freaky!

Then there is the deal where another friend retired from the railroad industry and actually met a guy in the hot tub HERE AT THE RESORT who's FATHER worked for the railroad. BUT, the REALLY freaky part is that they are BOTH retired! I KNOW! It's freaky.

When I scoff at these Tales of Mind and Mystery I am usually decried as a nay-sayer. "Oh yeah," they say. "Then how do you explain all of the coincidences between Lincoln and Kennedy?"

"I don't have to." I retort. "Although the whole Lincoln slept in Monroe, Maryland and Kennedy slept with Marilyn Monroe thing does give me goose bumps." I had to admit.

"What about the Rule of Three?" someone asked. The Rule of Three states that famous people will die in groups of three. Such as Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens AND the Big Bopper. Of course, the fact that they were all in the same plane kind of helped that one along.

One of the things I've also found fascinating about the Rule of Three is the sub-section A part that most people subscribe to. This is the part where we hear that George Carlin died and although everyone starts looking to see who else just died or we start watching to see who will be next, it is also necessary that the people who complete The Three be of the same stature.

So if John Belushi and Rosie O'Donnell both died we would have to wait for two more to make The Three. George Clooney, Barbara Striesand and Alan Aldo would be a good mix. We would have also accepted Celine Dion, Ed Asner and Rob Reiner.

The Rule of Three is also a good indicator of just what the world thought of you. If you are lumped in with two minor celebrities it could ruin the whole wake. And, as we all know, nobody throws a party like a dead guy.

So, is it a coincidence that everybody needs another round of beers AND I have a refrigerator on the tiki deck? I'll let the gods decide that one. But with the good friends I have, I would definitely call it a favorable convergence of circumstances.

.

Today's Headlines

Today's headlines didn't need a lot of help from the (ahem) journalists. They pretty much tell the whole story.


Rosie: I Hang Upside Down Every Day to Fight Depression -- NEW YORK, N.Y. -

. . . Yours or ours?
. . . Try not watching The View.
. . . Here. Have another Pizza and a couple more cheeseburgers and tell me all about it.
. . . Look! It's a fat, angry, lesbian, vampire bat!
. . . What does she hang from - an I-beam?
. . . Wow! Crazy, fat chicks have strong ankles!


Parents Beat Up Principal Over Grades -- MILAN, Italy -

. . . That'll teach the boy a lesson!
. . . Parents beat up cop over son's arrest.
. . . Parents beat up priest over son's confession.
. . . Parents beat up other students over dodge ball game.


Woman Sues Doctor After Failed Abortion -- BOSTON, Mass. - A Boston woman who gave birth after a failed abortion has filed a lawsuit against two doctors and Planned Parenthood seeking the cost of raising her child.

. . . And the Mother of the Year is . . .
. . . Is she going to use some of the money for the kid's therapy bills?
. . . Last year she sued a lawyer when her divorce didn't take.



Calderon Vows to Restore Mexico's Appeal -- MEXICO CITY, Mexico - Mexican President Felipe Calderon won't be fighting for migration reform when he meets with President Bush next week. Instead, he will be spelling out what he intends to do to keep Mexicans at home.

. . . He will extend the siesta by 1/2 hour.
. . . He will put two worms in every bottle of tequila.
. . . He will lobby California for an increase in medical benefits.


Schoolgirls Suspended for Saying "Vagina" During Reading of "Vagina Monologues" -- CROSS RIVER, New York -

. . . Second graders suspended for saying "dick" during reading of "Fun with Dick and Jane".
. . . Student suspended for saying "beaver" during reading of "The Last of the Mohicans".

Whatever happened to:
. . . Students suspended for saying "fuck!" when assigned "Moby Dick"?


Drill Sergeant Accused of Forcing Trainee to Dress as Superman, Submit to Sex Acts -- HAMPTON, Va. -

. . . That's funny. I always thought Captain Marvel was the gay one.
. . . Bend steel in his bare hands?
. . . Hey Buddy, what do you say we pretend you're Krypto, next?

.

Snatched From the Headlines

(He said "snatch" . . . heh, heh!) "Juvenile, knee-jerk, ill conceived blather in reaction to a superficial examination of the facts." That could either be my treatment of the latest headlines or the Democratic response to anything happening, anywhere.



Oklahoman Wins Miss America Crown -- LAS VEGAS - Oscar Petertook, long time resident of the City that Never Sleeps, woke up this morning with a crown and a sash. Apparently, Lauren Nelson, a naked beauty contest winner had lost them and a $50,000 scholarship several hours earlier in a World Celebrity Texas Hold-Em Strip Poker tournament. She had won the coveted Miss America title hours before that, then walked away from the pageant area saying she was feeling lucky.

Shilah Phillips, the first black Miss Texas, was first runner-up and was immediately named to replace Miss Nelson. However the tiara and sash were "quite expensive" and Ms. Philips will have to make do with other regal attire. "That's right," she was quoted as saying. "Make the black woman wear the Burger King crown and the PO-lice line tape. Uh huh!"

Donald Trump and Rossie O'Donnell were unavailable for comment as they were at a nearby celebrity spa having their egos re-inflated. It turns out that Rosie's has a slow leak and The Donald keeps adding more air to his to make his hair look smaller.




Hobbit Declared a New Species as Debate Continues -- HILLSHIRE, England - Liberal scientists in a frustrated effort to find "the missing link" have turned to fiction to bolster their argument.


"Well, it makes as much sense as anything else we've floated," said Willard Fossilopolus, a Greek paleontologist here on a research grant. "We have never found one scintilla of evidence of any missing link between any species. And yet we have this elaborate back story, complete with pictures and museum displays depicting how we figure it must have been. Quite honestly, Mr. Tolkein's account makes far more sense than ours. So we are going to go with that for a while."

As he walked away, he paused and turned. "You know, we are open to other ideas, if you have any. The only thing we won't consider is that ridiculous God theory."



Australian Sells Own Life on Internet -- SYDNEY - A 24-year-old Australian surfer who sold his life, including baggage from a painful break-up, on eBay says he is still not quite sure why he did it.

Nicael Holt sold his name, phone number and all his possessions, including clothes, CDs, a surfboard, a laptop, a wonky pushbike, childhood photos and a "nice lamp" given to him by an ex-girlfriend, on the internet auction site.

The successful applicant bid 7,500 dollars (5,790 US) last week to become Holt, right down to spending Christmas with his parents and inheriting "some tension with a former ex from a painful break-up."

The identity of the eBay auction winner is known only as ridderstrade.

Holt, a philosophy student from the southern coastal city of Wollongong who has set up a website to explain his actions and ask for donations to charity, said he was unable to explain why he sold his life.

"Im still racking my brain to come up with the answer or any answer as to why I did this?" he wrote.

Motivating factors were boredom and intrigue as to what constitutes a life and what made him who he was.

He added he was "hoping to make a point that the amount and type of things that are for sale in this world is insane and wasteful."




All of these headlines were true. One of the stories was true. Two were closer to reality than the actual true story. You decide.

.

Rosie's Turn in the Barrel

Rosie O'Donnell cannot figure out why a Chinese-American person might find this offensive:

In a Dec. 5 segment, O'Donnell joked about how Danny DiVito's recent — and seemingly drunken — appearance on the ABC daytime talk show had become international news.

"You know, you can imagine in China it's like `ching chong, ching chong chong, Danny DeVito, ching chong chong chong, drunk, "The View," ching chong,'" the 44-year-old comedian said.

On Thursday's show, she told the audience: "To say ching chong to someone is very offensive, and some Asian people have told me it's as bad as the n-word. Which I was like, `Really? I didn't know that.'

First let me say this -- Rosie's poor attempt at humor was just another thinly veiled, cynical attempt to minimize DiVito's inexcusable, drunken and treasonable tirade. And, let me state again, if it had been a conservative celebrity that had shown up drunk and abusive, ranting about a liberal president and his policies, Rosie O'Donnell would not be trying to make everyone laugh it off.

And even the Chinese-american community isn't buying her insincere apology. They want Barbara Walters to admit that Rosie was offensive.

So I thought I'd save everyone a little time and restate the obvious. Of course Rosie O'Donnell is offensive. That's why she was hired. The View sucks. Barbara Walters knows it, ABC knows it, and so does everyone else involved with the show. In fact TiVo has a special Skip All Future Episodes button just for The View. So Rosie was hired because they knew she couldn't keep her stupid, racist, lesbian mouth shut. They want the controversy.

Next, why is the n-word the strongest example of an offensive word? I'll answer that question. It isn't. It is being used as a lightening rod. The word "nigger" is no more offensive than the words "queer", "bitch", "Nazi", or "middle-aged-white-guy". The only time these terms are truly offensive is when they come from the heart. And then, the damage done, is mostly to the person who has uttered them.

Sure there are words you don't use in polite company. But words are merely tools. They can be used to brutally hack something to pieces as well as gently caress a child's heart. Different words (tools) for different purposes.

It is my feeling that Rosie O'Donnell and her thoughtless words are being used as a blunt instrument to beat a very dead horse. And, by replacing one controversy for another (lesser) one, they are re-directing their minuscule audience's attention from the greater offender (Mr. DiVito).

Finally, I think Rosie O'Donnell should stick to her strong suit and quit trying to force unfunny comedic bits. She is much better at unintentional humor.

.