Coincidence?...

We were sitting around the partially built fire-pit the other day, just shooting the breeze. It was a pleasant evening and we didn't really need the fire anyway. We were sippin' our various drinks. A few of us were smoking cigars to keep the bugs away. The conversation was mostly light. Eventually it drifted to one of our favorite topics. Coincidences.

First let me explain, that as a former tech adviser to the printing industry, I don't usually buy into this whole coincidence thing. When you can control all of the variables in any given process - things don't just happen. However - as most of my female friends are always quick to point out - things happen for a reason. So I'm usually willing to compromise and call them a favorable convergences of circumstances.

Such as the TOTAL coincidence that a friend of ours works as an airline attendant AND the petite red head had to recently fly somewhere. AND, (here it comes) they are BOTH using the SAME airport! I KNOW! It's freaky!

Then there is the deal where another friend retired from the railroad industry and actually met a guy in the hot tub HERE AT THE RESORT who's FATHER worked for the railroad. BUT, the REALLY freaky part is that they are BOTH retired! I KNOW! It's freaky.

When I scoff at these Tales of Mind and Mystery I am usually decried as a nay-sayer. "Oh yeah," they say. "Then how do you explain all of the coincidences between Lincoln and Kennedy?"

"I don't have to." I retort. "Although the whole Lincoln slept in Monroe, Maryland and Kennedy slept with Marilyn Monroe thing does give me goose bumps." I had to admit.

"What about the Rule of Three?" someone asked. The Rule of Three states that famous people will die in groups of three. Such as Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens AND the Big Bopper. Of course, the fact that they were all in the same plane kind of helped that one along.

One of the things I've also found fascinating about the Rule of Three is the sub-section A part that most people subscribe to. This is the part where we hear that George Carlin died and although everyone starts looking to see who else just died or we start watching to see who will be next, it is also necessary that the people who complete The Three be of the same stature.

So if John Belushi and Rosie O'Donnell both died we would have to wait for two more to make The Three. George Clooney, Barbara Striesand and Alan Aldo would be a good mix. We would have also accepted Celine Dion, Ed Asner and Rob Reiner.

The Rule of Three is also a good indicator of just what the world thought of you. If you are lumped in with two minor celebrities it could ruin the whole wake. And, as we all know, nobody throws a party like a dead guy.

So, is it a coincidence that everybody needs another round of beers AND I have a refrigerator on the tiki deck? I'll let the gods decide that one. But with the good friends I have, I would definitely call it a favorable convergence of circumstances.

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Shallow Graves

Body disposal is an important part of any decent murder plan. It's like a government scandal without the paper-shredding. Or washing your Hawaiian shirts and not ironing them. Many people are in prison today because they did not have a well thought out end game.

Of course, a lot of psychopaths nearly got away with it anyway. Like the time two Milwaukee police officers returned the 14 year old boy who was wandering naked down the street, heavily drugged and bleeding from his rectum, to Jeffrey Dahmer. When confronted, Dahmer told them that the boy was his 19 year old lover and that they were having a drunken argument. THAT was much better!

But usually, once the foul deed (murder) is done, it is just not good etiquette to leave the bodies laying about. It is the quickest way to get noticed. So body disposal does become important.

What made me think about all of this is that I spent part of my week digging a fire pit in my back yard. It took me six and a half hours over two days to dig a five foot diameter hole, twelve inches deep. And, "No," I didn't use a teaspoon. I just happen to be cursed with very rocky soil.

Which got me to thinking about the guy who commits, up until the burial, a perfect murder. He has the body wrapped in a tarp, placed in the plastic lined trunk of his car. Next to the body are two stolen shovels (just in case one breaks). He has several flashlights and a rake to smooth out the newly disturbed earth. Perfect.

Then he encounters soil like mine which required a pick, a heavy digging bar, a shovel and a gravel rake. It'll take him about an hour and a half just to cut the sod away. Without a pick to break up and loosen the obstinate rocks he'll probably break the tip of his shovel off in the first ten minutes of the actual dig.

By the time he realizes his problem, it is too late to change plans. He has already carried the body a quarter of a mile into the woods, just off of the main highway. He's made a second trip for all of the tools and has just wasted an hour and a half cutting away the sod. It is only 45 minutes until dawn (because most heinous deeds are done in the wee hours) and within an hour he will be able to be seen from the highway.

This is why we hear the term "shallow grave" so often. Poor planning and rough terrain. When was the last time you heard about hikers coming across a body buried six feet down in a proper burial vault? It never happens.

So take my advice. If you are planning that "perfect crime" - plan ahead. Pre-plowed farm land is nice. Or perhaps a quaint little murder on a sandy beach. It wouldn't even hurt to dig the grave before the crime. Because haste makes waste. Or at least 20 years to life.

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