Today's Headlines

Today's headlines didn't need a lot of help from the (ahem) journalists. They pretty much tell the whole story.


Rosie: I Hang Upside Down Every Day to Fight Depression -- NEW YORK, N.Y. -

. . . Yours or ours?
. . . Try not watching The View.
. . . Here. Have another Pizza and a couple more cheeseburgers and tell me all about it.
. . . Look! It's a fat, angry, lesbian, vampire bat!
. . . What does she hang from - an I-beam?
. . . Wow! Crazy, fat chicks have strong ankles!


Parents Beat Up Principal Over Grades -- MILAN, Italy -

. . . That'll teach the boy a lesson!
. . . Parents beat up cop over son's arrest.
. . . Parents beat up priest over son's confession.
. . . Parents beat up other students over dodge ball game.


Woman Sues Doctor After Failed Abortion -- BOSTON, Mass. - A Boston woman who gave birth after a failed abortion has filed a lawsuit against two doctors and Planned Parenthood seeking the cost of raising her child.

. . . And the Mother of the Year is . . .
. . . Is she going to use some of the money for the kid's therapy bills?
. . . Last year she sued a lawyer when her divorce didn't take.



Calderon Vows to Restore Mexico's Appeal -- MEXICO CITY, Mexico - Mexican President Felipe Calderon won't be fighting for migration reform when he meets with President Bush next week. Instead, he will be spelling out what he intends to do to keep Mexicans at home.

. . . He will extend the siesta by 1/2 hour.
. . . He will put two worms in every bottle of tequila.
. . . He will lobby California for an increase in medical benefits.


Schoolgirls Suspended for Saying "Vagina" During Reading of "Vagina Monologues" -- CROSS RIVER, New York -

. . . Second graders suspended for saying "dick" during reading of "Fun with Dick and Jane".
. . . Student suspended for saying "beaver" during reading of "The Last of the Mohicans".

Whatever happened to:
. . . Students suspended for saying "fuck!" when assigned "Moby Dick"?


Drill Sergeant Accused of Forcing Trainee to Dress as Superman, Submit to Sex Acts -- HAMPTON, Va. -

. . . That's funny. I always thought Captain Marvel was the gay one.
. . . Bend steel in his bare hands?
. . . Hey Buddy, what do you say we pretend you're Krypto, next?

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The SUPER-blog

Faster than a speeding building . . . taller than a bullet . . . able to leap a toy locomotive in a single bound . . . (Look! Out on the 'net! It's a blog! It's satire! It's Escape Velocity!) . . . Yes, it's Escape Velocity . . . strange writer from another blogosphere who came to Earth with insights and humor far beyond those of mortal men! Escape Velocity . . . who can change the subject of mighty discussions, bend reality with his bare mind, and who, disguised as John Bonus, megalomaniacal blogger for a great metro-suburban blogsite, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way!

I always liked that show! You know what Else I like? The follow headlines:


Feds Select New Nuclear Warhead Design -- WASHINGTON - The Bush administration selected a design Friday for a new generation of atomic warheads, taking a major step toward building the first new nuclear weapon since the end of the Cold War nearly two decades ago.

The military and the Energy Department selected a design developed by Seymour Andropoofski, noted metro-sexual and fashion maven. When the Escape Velocity news team caught up with him, he had this to say: "Well, it's all just so thrilling! I was sitting in my silk jammies, feeding Mr. Snuggles some catnip quiche, when the phone rang! (I had actually forgotten about that silly contest.) So they tell me I won! I mean . . . I . . . I'm sorry . . . I know it's silly getting all emotional but . . . oh! . . . I promised myself i wouldn't do this."

Escape Velocity: Mr. Andropoofski? Can you tell us a little about the actual design?

Seymour: It was pink.


Topless Wife Photo Ends Man's Pole Protest -- (Man, there are so many ways to go with this.) -- BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man who spent 10 days in a self-made box atop a 72-foot-tall pole to protest a looming jail term was lured off his perch by his wife -- who sent up a topless picture of herself in his lunch box.

Fred Gregor, 45, was bidding to have his 15-month conviction for fraud overturned by squatting in his tiny cubicle atop a converted television mast. He told Reuters in a telephone interview last week that he wanted a new trial.

His wife Susanne, 25, backed his protest until the former stripper and mother of their five children decided she had had enough.

They said "box" twice in the first paragraph and implied it six times in the last one.

By the time he serves 15 months they'll have two more kids.

Five kids at 25 -- when did she find time to strip?

It sounds like he's not the only one in the family with a self-made box.

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