Ridiculous!

You know me. I'm always trying to make fun of current events and recent headlines. The process goes something like this. I find a somewhat interesting headline or news photo, print it and the initial part of the accompanying story then spin it into absurdity. For example:


Iran Plans to Conduct War Games -- TEHRAN, Iran - Iran plans three days of military maneuvers beginning Sunday — its first since the U.N. Security Council imposed sanctions against it in late December, state-run television said.

They plan to start by gathering angry mobs in their own streets, holding up posters of dead people and burning other country's flags. Next they will sneak into other countries to give money and advice to radical groups. And finally, they will pretend to have a missile and nuclear program while making threatening gestures.

When asked about the effectiveness of such lame tactics they spit on the reporter, held him hostage for several weeks before beheading him in public. When interviewed on the phone they said, "Hey! How did you get this number?"

The White house is keeping a close eye on these events but, in any event, will be second guessed by the self-serving opposition party. Everyone was available for comment.



That's how I usually do it. But, every now and then, a headline or story comes along that is so patently absurd or ridiculous that no further embellishment is necessary. The very premise is absurd and everyone knows why and how it won't work. There is literally nothing I can add to it to make the story more silly. I call them "stand alones." Here are a couple examples:



Shot Duck Survives 2 Days in Florida Fridge


California Lawmaker Seeks Ban On Spanking


Hillary Clinton Announces Bid for White House



You see what I mean? Ridiculous!

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Ripped From the Headlines

Sometimes I'm not sure who is dumber, the headline writers or me for reading them. Why don't we have a little reader poll? The question of the day is: Is anyone dumber than me? While you are thinking about that -- here are some recent headlines and my first thoughts about them (These are real headlines.):


Emmitt Smith wins 'Dancing With Stars' -- And Troy Aikman has won Best Female Vocalist.

White House sued over global warming -- I thought they always said you couldn't do anything about the weather. I also heard you can't sue city hall. These people aren't paying attention at all.

Obesity could hit economies as hard as malnutrition -- Harder, if we stop for lunch.

Warm weather wrecks bears' winter slumber -- And you don't see them suing the White House.

Man accidentally shoots himself in the groin -- It was a botched suicide attempt. He was thinking with his little head and, apparently, he flinched.

Russia, U.S. disagree on Iran sanctions -- Grown-ups shouldn't argue in front of the kids. Besides, they should save the arguments for the important stuff -- like money and that thing she won't do in bed.

Soldier describes genesis of rape plan -- Gen. 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and hot chicks . . .

Iran says about to take 'final step' in atomic plan -- Is this the part where they connect the red wire . . . or is it the blue?

Oral Roberts upsets No. 3 Kansas -- Jimmy Swaggart just pisses people off.

US Airways offers $8B to buy Delta - They already have enough planes and stuff but there are a couple of stewardesses on the Baltimore to Miami run who look like they might be worth it.

Microsoft Zune hits stores, nobody notices -- I heard about this on my iPod.

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