But... there must be some mistake!

SCREEEEEEEECH!!!! That is the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. By the way, do they still have chalk boards? I can see how O.S.H.A. may have banned them; what with the dust and all. What would that be called: White Lung Disease?

But I digress.

One of the things that annoys me more than fingernails on a chalkboard or stream of consciousness digressions is stupidly written headlines. I know they try to convey as much information in as few words as possible, and that sometimes they try to be cutesy with the wording but, damn it, at least get the big idea right!

A current example came in today's batch of internet headlines:

Retail Sales are Down, But Inflation Expected to Remain Low

My problem with this particular headline is the "but". People don't normally raise prices on things they can't sell. The word "but" is supposed to be used to introduce a contrasting thought to the discussion. Such as "Her eyes were huge but her butt was bigger". But in today's example, low sales and low inflation are complimentary ideas. Such as "Her breasts were magnificent".

A lot of blog writers get almost all of their daily information from a quick scan of the headlines. If headline writers don't start using words correctly, what will happen to all of the pinheads who only read blogs for their info?

Before long people will begin believing all kinds of crazy things. Ideas like, that the better than 50% of the people opposed to Health Care Reform aren't representative of America. It might even force elected officials like Arlen Specter to actually look "representative" up in a dictionary. Maybe the headline writers will get a kick out of how the people who don't represent America used the poll booth to tell Specter and his colleagues that they weren't representing America.

It might read something like:

Government Take Over Defeated, But Democracy Wins



But I digress.

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Ripped From the Headlines

Sometimes I'm not sure who is dumber, the headline writers or me for reading them. Why don't we have a little reader poll? The question of the day is: Is anyone dumber than me? While you are thinking about that -- here are some recent headlines and my first thoughts about them (These are real headlines.):


Emmitt Smith wins 'Dancing With Stars' -- And Troy Aikman has won Best Female Vocalist.

White House sued over global warming -- I thought they always said you couldn't do anything about the weather. I also heard you can't sue city hall. These people aren't paying attention at all.

Obesity could hit economies as hard as malnutrition -- Harder, if we stop for lunch.

Warm weather wrecks bears' winter slumber -- And you don't see them suing the White House.

Man accidentally shoots himself in the groin -- It was a botched suicide attempt. He was thinking with his little head and, apparently, he flinched.

Russia, U.S. disagree on Iran sanctions -- Grown-ups shouldn't argue in front of the kids. Besides, they should save the arguments for the important stuff -- like money and that thing she won't do in bed.

Soldier describes genesis of rape plan -- Gen. 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and hot chicks . . .

Iran says about to take 'final step' in atomic plan -- Is this the part where they connect the red wire . . . or is it the blue?

Oral Roberts upsets No. 3 Kansas -- Jimmy Swaggart just pisses people off.

US Airways offers $8B to buy Delta - They already have enough planes and stuff but there are a couple of stewardesses on the Baltimore to Miami run who look like they might be worth it.

Microsoft Zune hits stores, nobody notices -- I heard about this on my iPod.

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