How to Read a Blog

I guess one of the weirdest things about being naked all the time is crumbs in my pubic hair. I don't think this was a problem for Adam and Eve because their diet consisted mostly of bananas and oysters.

Another one is having to explain to the cops that "I was just going to the mailbox."

One of the weirdest things about writing a blog is having to explain myself afterwards (the verbal equivalent of picking crumbs out of my pubic hair). I was recently asked by a friend, "How could you let the Martians kill your wife like that?" My wife was standing next to me at the time.

Or there was the blog in which I was talking about over eating and facetiously mentioned a stop at the emergency room to have cheese scraped out of my colon. I had several concerned e-mails about my health.

Then there was the "bee stings on my dick" blog. That one was totally true.

I guess what I'm saying is that there are no rules about WRITING a blog. It is not a diary or a textbook. But it is not exactly a work of total fiction either. I write it mostly for laughs and as a mental "warm up" for my "serious" writing. There is usually a piece of myself in it so there is usually some percentage of truth to it. But how much is real -- that is the question!

The original name for my blog site was As Far As You Know. That sort of summed it up. So, in order to clear a few things up:

• No, I am not the Narcoleptic Swinger -- unless getting shit-faced counts.
• Yes, I do think global warming and Barbra Striesand are too much B.S. for the same planet.
• Yes, I do stain my deck in the nude.
• No, I never fought a gunfight in the Old West.
• Yes I do think women are aliens.
• Yes, I'm not the "World's Greatest" anything.
• Yes, I do watch The Sopranos but I do not have a WWTSD (What Would Tony Soprano Do?) wristband.
• Yes, I do have Precognative Amnesia.
• Yes, my neighbor does have those trees and he is a bastard.
• No, I don't take early morning jogs to my neighbor's house to have sex with his wife. I hate jogging.
  
• No, John Walsh was never a fugitive (but he would make a funny one).
• Yes, I have considered Bonsai Grass but I haven't done it for the same reason I haven't done my neighbor's wife -- I'm too lazy.
• Yes, I do know 50+ euphemisms for F**K.
• Yes, I do get pissed off because people do not know how to give you the correct change anymore.
• Yes, I do think that the side effects of some prescriptions are tantamount to a death sentence.
• Yes I do think Hollywood has a lot of bad writers with political agendas.
• Yes, I am constantly questioning whether something is Sarcasm or Irony.
• No, I don't consider myself an Outsider -- you people are.
• Yes, I am a genius (or should have been, anyway).
• Yes, the lady at the bank gives me a hard time every time I go there.
• Yes, I think the DiVinci Code is the biggest piece of literary shit since Hillary Clinton's memoirs.
• Yes, I do dislike Elvis impersonators but I really do like Elvis.
• No, I've never been marooned on an alien planet after my starfighter was disabled.
• Yes, I do think headline writers should READ the story first.
• No, I have never been abducted by aliens -- as far as I know.
• Yes, I do suspect my mailman's penis is having a good summer.
• Yes, Microsoft annoys the hell out of me, yet amuses me at the same time.
• Yes, I have been mistaken for a policeman at airports.
• Yes, the 50% rule does apply to most of our parties.
• Yes, I do believe in deja vu.
• Yes, I do believe in deja vu.
• Yes, I am retired and I don't think I'll ever run out of things to do.
• Yes, I do believe the press does a piss poor job of reporting the news without bias or agenda.
• No, I never was naked and tangled up in fishing line at the mall.
• Yes, I do think weathermen are bullshit artists.
• Yes, I was in the Air Force and Walking on the Grass is a true story.
• Yes, I have sat down to smoke and remembered everything but my cigar.
• Yes, my Adventures in Moving are all true.
• No, my neighbors weren't demon possessed druids.
• Yes, I do seem to be "communication device" challenged.
• Yes, my former bosses were assholes and Ernie did burn his mouth with green pea soup.
• No, I don't hate dogs -- if they're cooked right.
• No, I've never been the last private eye on an alien planet.
• Yes, I did cut my hand with a chainsaw.
• Yes, I did have a friend who could reconcile a theology involving John Wayne, Jesus and Flying Saucers.

Sorry for all the confusion.