80 Proof Milk

We have been experimenting with a variety of mixed drinks this summer. I had recently gotten several bartenders guides and every weekend we try our hand at mixology. We've beefed up our bar with alcohols we've seen are common to a lot of drinks as well as non-alcoholic mixers.

So on Friday and Saturday, after pool time but before the dance, we try to find a new one to drink for the evening. The theory being that you shouldn't mix different kinds of alcohol and that it is best to pick a drink and stay with it for the night.

That theory breaks down two different ways. (A.) By the time we "try" several recipes we've mixed it up pretty good right out of the gate and (3.) mixed drinks are, by definition, a blending of alcohols. I've never been much for rules, anyway.

So we've had 57 Chevys, A-Bombs, Red Devils, Almond Mochas, B-52s, Bahama Mamas, Banana Split Shooters, Bay Breezes, Black Russians, Black Velvets, and the occasional Blow Jobs.

We've tried variations on a theme. There must be 10 ways to mix a Rum and Coke. We've done layered shots such as Carrot Cake. And we've had Apple-tini weekends.

A recent one that we tried was called the Paralyzer. It is made with Coca Cola, Kahlua, Milk and Vodka. My first reaction was, "Milk?"

Why would I want to drink something that is good for me? Or at least, partially good for me? Does the milk counterbalance the deleterious effects of the Coca Cola? Or is something else going on here? We drink to get kinda messed up; we don't need anything delaying the process. Does the milk strengthen my bones while the booze weakens my muscles? I wouldn't know whether to stand at attention or fall down. On the other hand, at my age, it could improve the odds against my breaking a hip if I fell down drunk. My wife's first reaction to that last sentence was, "If?"

There is precedence for mixing things that are good for you and bad for you, however. Cheese and rat poison comes to mind. My wife's meatloaf and scalloped potatoes is another. Or anybody and Tom Cruise.

I guess the bottom line is that you should be careful of what you mix and the quantities that you consume. All it requires is good taste, discipline, and self-control . . .

. . . We are soooo screwed.
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