Death By Media

I sometimes wonder what my obituary will say. The answer will probably depend upon when I die, who else is still alive that knew me and my perceived accomplishments. Unless you are famous, some one other than the newspaper will provide the main facts of your life.

Famous people already have their obituaries written. You see, the news media does not want to be caught short -- let someone else get the scoop, so they have an up-to-date obituary of anyone who is media-worthy. That way if a movie star, politician, rich guy or serial killer dies, the media has all of the facts pertaining to them. Every success and every scandal. Which may explain why most celebrities are so schizophrenic.

They desperately crave media attention and are at war with the papparazzi at the same time. They shout to the world, "LOOK AT ME! Look at me! . . . How DARE YOU look at me? . . . Why aren't you looking at me? . . . Why won't anyone look at me? . . . Those aren't my drugs! . . . I'm starting a new movie so LOOK AT ME! Look at me! . . . How dare you look at me, that's my PERSONAL life!"

So they want to revel in their fame, promote their work, live and party like their fame and money can afford them to, and promote their "causes" to rehabilitate their post-scandals images. They have "people" whose sole job is to control the media's (and therefore the public's) image of them. If their image is tarnished it might cost them work and their A-list status. If it gets too crusty it will cost the house and the eye-candy spouse.

That leads me to imagine that a good publicist would be in frequent touch with the guy who writes the obituaries at some big news source. Like any other news story, the obituaries are written in inverted pyramid fashion. The big, memorable, juicy stuff will be first, followed by the lesser, but interesting, details of their life and then the minutiae. On a slow news day, the entire obituary may be printed -- no scandal unforgotten. On a big news day, there may only be room for the first paragraph.

This would give the publicist a constant check on how their client is doing. If the successes and recent projects and charity work make it into the first paragraph -- pushing the scandals and rehabs and messy divorces deeper into the background material -- then their client is doing O.K. If public masturbation in a Florida porno theater or the internet sex videos make the first paragraph -- they have work to do.

I've always wondered how these celebrities could go from raving lunatic to humanitarian in the blink of an eye. I just always figured they were crazy. It turns out they are. But they are being driven nuts by, of all things, their obituaries.

For my part, I hope to die on a slow news day. Being a nudist -- I'm used to the exposure.