Cold is the New Hot

I was driving down the road the other day (Yes, I left the compound) and I saw a billboard that said: Cold is the New Hot! Apparently it was advertising an iced coffee product at Wawa or 7-11 or somewhere. By the way, that's how effective billboard advertising is -- I remember the catchy phrase; I'm fuzzy on the product and I don't remember the vendor.

Later that day I saw a magazine ad that claimed: Green is the New Black! I've heard these kind of trendy phrases for years but I'm wondering where we are going with it. In this case I started cursing all of my outdated dress shoes. Damn them -- why weren't they green? And I can't wait to get one of those new green TV controllers.

But what does that make the old green stuff? Was it ahead of its time? Or is the new green (New Black) a different shade, so as to make the old green people feel even dumber than the stupid people who are stubbornly hanging onto the old black?

You know it's not easy being trendy. I tried a frozen TV dinner last night, seeing as how cold is the new hot. All of the food in these things is pre-cooked at the factory so it was safe (thanks for worrying) but frozen beef tips embedded in chunks of popsicle-like gravy is definitely an acquired taste.

Then I got to thinking. I'm older; I'm not as hip as my adult children. I can't get into the trendy clubs any more. So maybe I should back off a little. Compromise with fashion. Maybe I could be semi-trendy (for an older guy) if I embraced a concept like: Cool is the New Warm. Because I have to tell you, hot and cold hurt that one molar of mine. I take a sip of hot coffee or, now, iced coffee and HELLO! That's a pain you don't seek out.

So now I go into a Starbucks and boldly order a cup of hot coffee. In the shocked silence that follows, I look around and artfully add, "But throw some ice in there." Suddenly the tension in the room melts and everyone starts chatting among themselves again.

I might not be cutting-edge trendy, but I'm cool for an older guy.

Now, what should I do about my shoes? I could cut the grass in them. That would make them greenish. I can see it now. There I am: cutting my grass naked in my front yard. All I'm wearing is a pair of formerly black wing-tips. The mower stops. I stand to wipe my brow with the back of my arm and my lovely wife brings me a luke-warm beverage on a silver serving tray.

Who says advertising doesn't work?