Cameron's Folly

Tomb Could be of Jesus, Wife and Son Say Directors -- WASHINGTON (AFP) - The burial site of Jesus has been found and suggests he had a wife and son, according to highly sensitive claims in a documentary by "Titanic" director James Cameron and Israel-born Simcha Jacobovici.

The claims inject controversy into the issue of resurrection central to Christianity and, if accurate, could reignite questions about Jesus' earthy family life popularized in the book "The Da Vinci Code."

Cameron and Jacobovici, an award-winning documentary director, said their research suggested Jesus married Mary Magdalene and had a son, Judah.


Well, Easter is coming up, so it is time for the anti-Christian crowd to stir up another dose of nonsense. Every year, at Christmas, they attack everything from decorations to the actual use of the word "Christmas". Every Easter another hate monger mounts an attack on Christ's divinity or resurrection. They feel a need to "humanize" Him.

Last year it was The Da Vinci Code. This year it is James Cameron and Simcha Jacobvici.

The problem is the quality of their dis-information. I wrote a criticism of The Da Vinci Code last year and was blasted by the religious-left because "the book is fiction" and therefore, somehow, immune to criticism of it's content and agenda. Even though, all of the non-Christians who read it were saying, "See. This proves Jesus was a phony!"

This year's assault on Christ, however, is portraying the same "fiction" from The Da Vinci Code as established fact. It claims that Jesus somehow survived His crucifixion and burial (as a man) and lived on; marrying Mary Magdelene and having at least one son.

All of this is based upon finding a tomb with some empty funeral boxes; some of which were marked with the names "Jesus Son of Joseph", "Maria" and "Judah Son of Jesus".

Some of the problems with Cameron's folly are that the tomb was discovered on March 28, 1980 and has been dismissed by historians, archaeologists, and Jewish and Christian theologins alike as nothing more than an old tomb. There is no historical connection with Jesus of Nazareth and the names Jesus and Mary were very common names back then.

The ossuaries, or burial boxes, in question were empty by the way. Cameron had DNA analysis done from residue in the three containers and found no blood relationship between the man and the woman, suggesting they were married.

Moreover, This entire affair is an attempt by James Cameron and his directing partner to piggy-back a profit on the bone-headed success of The Da Vinci Code. What better time to attack the central tenet of Christianity than the holiday celebrating the event?

If similar attacks were made upon Judiasm or Islam or any religion, other than Christianity, there would be an outcry and backlash that would have Cameron back filming basic cable commercials. Here is how a real archaeologist sums up this shoddy attack on Christianity:


Israeli archaeologist and professor Amos Kloner, who documented the tomb as the Jewish burial cave of a well-off family more than 10 years ago, is adamant there is no evidence to support claims that it was the burial site of Jesus.

"I'm a scholar. I do scholarly work which has nothing to do with documentary film-making. There's no way to take a religious story and to turn it into something scientific," he told AFP in a telephone interview.

"I still insist that it is a regular burial chamber from the 1st century BC," Kloner said, adding that the names were a coincidence.

"Who says that 'Maria' is Magdalena and 'Judah' is the son of Jesus? It cannot be proved. These are very popular and common names from the 1st century BC," said the academic at Israel's Bar Ilan University.


It must be easy to confuse fact with fiction. After all, Jesus and The Terminater both said, "I'll be back."

Nice try James. Better luck next year.

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Al Gore's Oscar

New Study of Polar Secrets in Global Warming Fight -- LONDON (Reuters) - Thousands of scientists from across the world join forces this week to investigate the effects of global warming on the Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets.

The ice in both polar regions is melting more rapidly than anywhere else, leading to rises in sea levels and possibly to dramatic changes in ocean currents and food chains.

"The reality is we know so little. The difference is that we know how important it is," Martin Siegert of Edinburgh University said at the London launch, one of several around the world before the main event in Paris on Thursday.


Here's another reality. Thousands of politically motivated scientists are joining forces to get the cart before the horse.

In the entirety of recorded human history, mankind has been living on a world at the end of an Ice Age. There has never been a time when the ice or glaciers or ice sheet or whatever they want to call it has not been receding. The Earth has yet to stabilize into it's normal state.

(One proof of this is the evidence of animals and vegitation and lakes and trees, etc. that has been found UNDER the arctic and antarctic sheeting.)

Put more simply: Global Warming is not causing the Arctic ice sheets to melt, the end of the glaciers receding is causing Global Warming.

And when all of the melting is eventually done, the Earth, with warmer average temperatures and higher oceans, will be whatever it will be. We cannot do anything about it. It is our planet stabilizing at the end of an Ice Age.

All of the pseudo science in the world is not going to change that FACT and all of the Oscars in Hollywood will not validate their bad science.

The Global Warming movement is a political movement and basically the new home for Socialism. According to them, all of the industrialized (wealthy) nations are bad and all of the poorer nations want that money, through penalties and sanctions and aid, to compensate them for their poverty.

It is not about the environment, people. It is about politics and money. They are trying to level the playing field -- any way they can.

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The Wit and Wisdom of Louis Farrakhan

Farrakhan Stresses Unity in Farewell -- DETROIT - Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan stressed religious unity Sunday during his final major speech, saying the world is at war because Christians, Muslims and people of other faiths are divided.

The fiery orator spoke for the first time since ceding leadership of the movement last year because of illness. The speech at the home of the National Football League's Detroit Lions capped the Nation's three-day convention in the city where it was founded in 1930.

"My time is up," Farrakhan said in describing his exit from the leadership stage. "The Final Call can't last forever."

The controversial figure said that he is leaving at a time of great conflict in the world and that he believes God is angry with leaders who are putting politics and greed above serving their fellow man.


All of this is coming from a man who spent his entire career spewing anti-white and anti-Semitic diatribes and hatred. But NOW is the time for his final curtain and he wants to be remembered well. Don't worry, Farrakhan, we WILL remember you -- through your own words:


In 1994, Farrakhan said in a speech: "The Jews don't like Farrakhan, so they call me Hitler. Well, that's a good name. Hitler was a very great man."

Farrakhan: "The same year they set up the IRS, they set up the FBI. And the same year they set up the Anti-Defamation League of B’nai B’rith… It could be a coincidence… [I want] to see black intellectuals free… I want to see them not controlled by members of the Jewish community."

Farrakhan has referred to Jews, Palestinian Arabs, Koreans, and Vietnamese collectively as "bloodsuckers" and maintains that "Murder and lying comes easy for white people."

Farrakhan made several controversial statements about race, including "White people are potential humans — they haven't evolved yet."

According to Farrakhan's mentor, Elijah Muhammad, blacks were "born righteous and turned to unrighteousness," while the white race was "made unrighteous by the god who made them."

In comments regarding the decimation of New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina, Louis Farrakhan stated that there was a 25-foot hole under one of the key levees that failed, and implied that the levee's destruction was a deliberate attempt to wipe out the population of largely black sections within the city. Farrakhan further claimed the fact that the levee broke the day after Hurricane Katrina is proof that the destruction of the levee was not a natural occurrence.

“FEMA is too White to represent us and so is the Red Cross.”

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Behind the Headlines

As I sit here with my brain in my hand, I peer at it as a seer would a crystal ball. Except that my brain isn't shiny, there's nothing in it anyone else would pay to hear, and it is about a quarter of the size of any self-respecting crystal ball. But that is where the dis-similarities end. And where we enter . . . The Escape Velocity Zone.


Virginia Apologizes for Role in Slavery -- RICHMOND, Va. - Meeting on the grounds of the former Confederate Capitol, the Virginia General Assembly voted unanimously Saturday to express "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery.

"And now let us turn our attention to the Darkies and their supposed dis-satisfaction with the Institution of Slavery. We . . . ahh . . .we are sorry it didn't work out for y'all. And . . . ahh . . . we apologize for any unpleasantness you may have experienced. And . . . we can only say that if y'all can find it in your hearts to give us another chance, we . . . ahh . . . we've learned from our mistakes and would do a better job of managing the situation the next time. Thank you."

The measure also expressed regret for "the exploitation of Native Americans."



Eight Places Every Woman Should Go -- NEW YORK - It turns out that Escape Velocity was hoaxed by an earlier blog entry on February 23rd by restaurateur Sal Manella. He never read the book in question and we apologize for any misunderstandings or hard feelings resulting from Mr. Manilla's somewhat misogynistic viewpoint.

We asked one of our interns, here at Escape Velocity's National Headquarters, to read the book and give us a quick review.

Escape Velocity: So, David. Did you read the book?

David: As far as you know.

Escape Velocity: What was it about?

David: Eight places every woman should go.

Escape Velocity: Yes. That's the title of the book. What was it about?

David: Well . . . it, ahh . . . it was aboooout . . . um . . . it was about eight . . . places . . . that,uh . . . women should go!

Escape Velocity: What does that mean?

David: Well . . . the book is about . . . eight . . . eight places women should really try to go . . . to the bathroom. Yeah, that's it. The bathroom!

Escape Velocity: The bathroom?

David: Yeah. Like in the woods . . . or the bus station . . . or on a balcony. That kind of stuff.

Escape Velocity: You didn't read the book -- did you, you little shit?

David: . . . No, sir.

Escape Velocity: There you have it, folks. Apparently, no one has read Eight Places Every Woman Should Go and they don't seem inclined to start now.



First Beaver Spotted in NYC in 200 Years -- NEW YORK - That was the headline -- but wasn't Britney Spears in New York a couple of months ago?

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DRM Debate

I had an idea the other day . . . Hey! Why all the shocked expressions? I get them every now and then. Annnnyway, There have been a lot of stories on the net and in the papers about DRM (Digital Rights Management).

On the one hand, you have the huge recording industry representing the rights and earning potentials of themselves and their artists.

On the other hand you have the consumers who would like to buy their music at a fair price (one time) and be able to use it on their various devices at home, work and school. Much the way you can with CD's and cassettes.

On one side of a coin in one of the hands, some people say that the music shouldn't cost as much because you don't get anything physical (just a computer file) so it is cheaper to produce and distribute.

On the other side of that coin, others say it should cost more (or should be bought more frequently) because files can be so readily copied (as opposed to CD's and cassettes).

On one side of another coin (possibly in the other hand), are downloading services that are linked to giant companies (like Apple and Microsoft) who want to assure that the downloaded music will play only on their own proprietary devices and who want to limit the number of times the music can be copied by the purchaser or limit the number of devices to which it may be copied (or both).

On the other side of that second coin are individuals within the downloading business who would like to do away with DRM's altogether, saying it would stimulate sales rather than deflate them.

On one side of a third coin (in . . . let's say the first hand) are the actual pirates who fall into two categories. First, the really bad guys with deep pockets and a lot of technology, so no matter what anybody does about DRM's, they will find a way to defeat it and sell the pirated music. And secondly are some punk kids who, though amateurs, are mini versions of the pirates.

On the other side of this third coin . . . well, you get the idea. There are a lot of factions fighting over the rights and ownership and profit in a presumably shrinking market. (Sales have actually gone down in a heavily controlled DRM environment.)

Now, I was watching Turner Classic Movies the other day and a couple of things hit me at the same time.

A) The movie was uncut (without commercials).
B) It would be really easy to copy it onto tape or DVR.
C) They rotate through their movie library much the same way a radio station rotates through their playlist.
D) It would be hard to sell because of the constant TCM logo at the bottom of the screen.

This meant that I could copy it for myself or some close friends and it would be commercially unfeasible to try to pirate because of it's availability for free and because of that damned logo.

So why can't the music industry do the same thing? Charge a basic cable type of pricing to provide access to the readily available music. And encode the music with a subsonic tag (that can't be stripped out of the music later) to identify it's source.

If people want to download a lot of music, then after a set number of downloads covered by the basic cable type fee, charge a per download fee similar to the current pricing. But with no further restrictions. And cut out this nonsense of proprietary licensing. If I buy it -- it is mine.

Everybody will be happy except the pirates and then I can get back to writing the funny stuff.


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Four Clowns and Eight Women

Kazakh Envoy in U.S. Seeks to Dispel "Borat" Image -- NEW HAVEN, Connecticut (Reuters) - Kazakhstan's envoy to the United States Tuesday defended his country against "misconceptions" caused by the hit comedy film "Borat" and its misogynistic, anti-Semitic, fictional Kazakh TV reporter.

"I will answer all of your questions as soon as all of the women and Jews are made to leave." he commented. "Does anyone know where I can get a warm glass of fermented horse urine?"

So Kazakhstan is suffering from an "image" problem? I'm sorry, who are these people again?


Two Clowns Shot Dead at Circus -- BOGOTA (Reuters) - Two clowns were shot and killed by an unidentified gunman during their performance at a traveling circus in the eastern Colombian town of Cucuta, police said Wednesday.

"The killings had nothing to do with the show the victims were performing at the time of the incident," local police chief Jose Humberto Henao said in a telephone interview.

"Big shoes and too much makeup just piss some people off."


Eight Places Every Woman Should Go -- NEW YORK, N.Y. - Sal Manella, local restaurant owner and literary critic, heard about the book Eight Places Every Woman Should Go and had this comment, "Some chick author is writing a bunch of touchy-feely stuff about what women need. Fuggetaboutit! Men know what men need from women - and that's all women need to know."

"I'll tell you where women should go: to my bedroom and the kitchen. After that they need to go away. There. I got it down to three. Look how I'm simplifying their lives here. Hey! Where the hells that waitress? Bring me some more magutz over here!"

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Pull Over and Step From the Vehicle

Cop Who Ticketed Himself Reaps Praise -- KEWASKUM, Wis. - A police chief who ticketed himself for a traffic violation says that he has received congratulatory e-mails from all over the globe and that he has even turned down money to cover the fine.

Chief Dick Knoebel drove past a stopped school bus with its lights flashing in September, then wrote himself a ticket for $235 and docked himself four points on his driving record. The story surfaced after it showed up in court records and media reports.

"Police officers do good things everyday, and that doesn't get reported," said Knoebel, who has been chief for 20 years in this town northwest of Milwaukee. "All you hear about in the news is when a police officer is in trouble."

EXCUSE ME? Isn't this a story about a cop breaking the law? Isn't a $235 fine and four points on your license trouble? It would be for me. Just because he owned up to it does not mean he didn't break the law by blowing past a school bus while the kids were loading or unloading.

And just how far did he have to chase himself before he pulled over? Did he show himself his license and registration? Did he call in his tag number to see if he was driving a stolen car? Did he try to talk his way out of it? Did he maybe slip himself a $20 bill to make it all go away?

Did he resist? Did he throw himself to the ground and cuff himself? Did he have probable cause to search his own car? Did he make himself walk a straight line?

My guess is he smelled alcohol on his breath before all of this started. And THEN he did the right thing.

I wonder if he is going to act as his own lawyer or if he will appear for the prosecution? If the town is small enough, he could actually be the magistrate, too.

It sounds to me like this guy hit Escape Velocity all by himself.

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The News in Ninety

Today's stories are designed to be read in ninety seconds. Adjust your reading speed accordingly.


Woman in Iron Lung Celebrates Birthday -- JACKSON, Tenn. - A Jackson woman who contracted polio 57 years ago and continues to rely on an iron lung to breathe recently celebrated her 60th birthday, defying doctors' expectations that she could live so long and so fully. Dianne Odell, who turned 60 last week, is among only 30 to 40 people in the U.S. who depend on the devices.


Reading on, I especially liked the part of the story where she tried to blow out the candles.


Laughs End with Bizarre Britney in Rehab -- NEW YORK - Britney Spears has been ridiculed for everything from her 55-hour first marriage to backup-dancer second husband and her recent pantyless partying escapades. Now that she's entered rehab, though, the joke is over.

First off, we weren't laughing at her -- we were laughing near her. Secondly, I'm pretty sure we haven't heard the last of Bizarre Britney. And finally, who the hell are you to tell me when to stop laughing?


Climbers Relied on Exercise, Pep Talks -- SALEM, Ore. - The three hikers rescued after a long fall and an icy night on Mount Hood said Wednesday their survival techniques included exercising, taking care of each other, and pep talks.

Matty Bryant and Kate Hanlon, both 34, appeared on television interviews with fellow climber Christina Redl, 26, whose injuries were still apparent from dark bruises around her eyes. Bryant also brought his dog, Velvet, who helped the climbers stay warm as they waited to be found.

"We would call 911 on the hour -- and every half hour I would ask Matty for another pep talk. He gave these fantastic pep talks," Hanlon said.

"So every other time I asked for the pep talk he would say, 'Not now bitch, I'm on the phone!' Matty was funny that way. Not Britney Spears funny . . . but funny. Y'know?"


ABC to Pilot Grey's Anatomy Spin-off -- NEW YORK (Reuters) - Walt Disney Co.'s television network ABC has decided to pursue a spin-off of its popular medical drama "Grey's Anatomy," the Wall Street Journal reported on Wednesday.

It is going to star Isaiah Washington and T.R. Knight. It's called
Not Him, The Other Faggot.





U.N. Readies Report on Iran Nuke Program -- VIENNA, Austria - The U.N. nuclear watchdog on Wednesday put finishing touches on a report expected to confirm that Iran continues uranium enrichment activities, a finding that could trigger harsher U.N. Security Council sanctions against Tehran.

The Democrats are preparing their rebuttal.

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A Hodgepodge of Headlines

Have you ever wondered about words like hodgepodge? According to the dictionary hodgepodge means "a confused mixture". It is a variation of the original word -- hotchpotch, which referred to "a mutton stew mixed with vegetables". Hodgepodge came about because Hodge was a nickname for Roger (a typical name for uneducated farm workers back then) and was intended to be a dumbing down or lower class version of hotchpotch or "a mixture of unpleasant or ill-selected things."

Today's hodgepodge is brought to you by the letter H.


Mount Hood Rescue Aided by Dog -- GOVERNMENT CAMP, Ore. - Trevor Liston saw one friend, then a second, then a third disappear over an icy ledge on Mount Hood. A black Labrador mix plunged over as well. That left Liston and four others wondering what had happened to their companions — two women and a man. They used a rope to lower one of their climbing party over the edge, trying to spot the trio. But there was no sign of the three.

Thus begins another saga of Man versus Nature, another Media Feeding Frenzy, and another chapter of The Dog is the Smartest One on the Mountain.

What the hell is wrong with these people. Didn't they hear about the dead guys in the same place last December? I am sure these people's egos are bigger than their brains but why drag a dog into it . . . and a taxpayer funded rescue team . . . and 17,256 news reporters . . . and that guy with the soup and sandwich truck in the parking lot.

The ego and stupidity of these climbers is astounding. If they think that they are so capable that they have to do something this stupid, they should take the consequences of their own actions and not expect other people to put their lives at risk in mounting a dangerous rescue effort.

Why doesn't the government just put up a "Closed for the Season" sign and, when the weather clears, come in and sweep up the bodies? There would be less danger for other people, it would be a hell of a lot cheaper and we'd have a few less idiots to deal with.



New Footage of JFK in Dallas Released -- DALLAS (Reuters) - Previously unreleased footage of John F. Kennedy's fateful motorcade in Dallas moments before he was gunned down was released on Monday, a surprising new detail in a saga that has gripped the United States for four decades.

The silent 8mm film shows a beaming Jacqueline Kennedy close up in vivid color waving to the crowd.

A group of excited bystanders -- women sporting big 1960s hairstyles -- waves to the cameraman shortly before the motorcade sweeps past.

Every time the Democrats are losing on an issue, or get too strident when they are winning, or need to distract the public from their actual lack of a plan for anything that doesn't involve running away from responsibilities or raising taxes, they drag out JFK.

They mistakenly believe that some kind of nostalgia for Camelot will soften the voters will to resist their social engineering efforts. The rest of us have History in perspective and see this lame attempt for what it is. More liberal bullshit.



U.N. Urged to Take Action on Asteroid Threat -- SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - An asteroid may come uncomfortably close to Earth in 2036 and the United Nations should assume responsibility for a space mission to deflect it, a group of astronauts, engineers and scientists said on Saturday.

Astronomers are monitoring an asteroid named Apophis, which has a 1 in 45,000 chance of striking Earth on April 13, 2036.

So, we're not supposed to think that a group of scientists from San Francisco essentially saying, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" isn't funny?



Math Anxiety Saps Working Memory Needed to Do Math -- SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Worrying about how you'll perform on a math test may actually contribute to a lower test score, U.S. researchers said on Saturday.

Math anxiety -- feelings of dread and fear and avoiding math -- can sap the brain's limited amount of working capacity, a resource needed to compute difficult math problems, said Mark Ashcroft, a psychologist at the University of Nevada Las Vegas who studies the problem.

"It turns out that math anxiety occupies a person's working memory," said Ashcroft, who spoke on a panel at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science in San Francisco.

Is San Francisco the home of every nutjob in the country?

How about, if you do your homework and study for the test, you won't have to use the "anxiety otherwise filled the part of my brain that I was going to use to ace the test" excuse?

People used to take responsibility for their actions. And tests were designed to find out what we know. How is this any different than the Farside cartoon where the kid in class raises his hand and asks to be excused because his "brain is full"?

Gimme a break!

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Common Ground

I spent a lot of years moving around with my career. I've lived in the North-East, the Rocky Mountains, Georgia, Texas, and South Carolina and I've visited most of the other states.

During that time I've either attended or visited a wide variety of Christian churches and denominations. From stuff shirt Presbyterian and Methodist, to hyper-ceremonial Catholics, to evangelical Baptists and Brethren, to holy roller Pentecostal churches.

Their styles of worship and places in the community varied widely. Their views of man's relationship with God varied widely. Their views of Heaven and Hell varied widely. Their mechanisms for Salvation varied widely. The music they sang and the clothing they wore varied widely.

Most of the Christian churches in the world came to be because of splitting from other churches. Minor (and sometimes major) theological differences would cause divisions and charges of heresy, resulting in major divides in the church's family tree.




But there was one thing that every church and denomination I have ever encounter has agreed upon. Universally and without exception. The 10% tithe.

I'm not saying that it is a bad thing. In fact it is nice to see we have some common ground. We can sort out all that other stuff later.

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New Newsie Newsisms

Well, the news faeries have sprinkled their noxious news dust across the Internet while I slept peacefully with last night's selections from my harem. After some very vigorous push-ups this morning I noticed the following stories.


Lying to Doctor Can Mean Health Risks -- CHICAGO, Ill. - There's an open secret in medicine: Patients lie.

They lie about how much they smoke and whether they're taking their medicine. They understate how much they drink and overstate how much they exercise. They feign symptoms to get appointments quicker and ask doctors to hide the truth from insurance companies.

But lying can lead to expensive diagnostic procedures and unneeded referrals to specialists. It also can have disastrous results.

Like the time I lied to my Doctor about sleeping with his wife and he prescribed arsenic for a head cold . . .

. . . or the time I lied to a Doctor in my foursome about my golf score and he scheduled elbow surgery for my hemorrhoids . . .

. . . or the time at band camp when I lied to the Doctor about a strained back to get out of canoeing and he said he had to message my prostrate for two hours with his special tool . . .



Finding a Toilet at Mardis Gras is a Challenge -- NEW ORLEANS - But piss in an alley and see how fast you can find a cop.



Asians Usher in the Year of the Pig -- BEIJING - Asians flocked to temples, parks and Disneyland on Sunday to pray, play, eat, and celebrate the first day of the Lunar New Year, ushering in the Year of the Pig.

They are, however, a year behind the United States. The USA celebrated the Year of the Pig in 2006 with such celebrities as Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Anna Nicole Smith, Tara Conner, and others. Thanks for the memories girls.




Britney Goes Bald in Stunning Makeover -- LOS ANGELES - A tearful Britney Spears defiantly shaved her head at a Los Angeles hair salon after the owner refused to take part in the embattled pop star's latest extreme makeover, news reports said on Saturday.

The Friday evening visit to Esther's Haircutting Studio in the Tarzana district of Los Angeles was followed by a trip to a tattoo parlor where the 25-year-old mother of two young sons added two designs to her body.

The transformation came on the same day People magazine and other entertainment media reported that Spears recently entered a rehabilitation center in the Caribbean island of Antigua and checked out a day later. The reports were denied by Spears' representatives.

So . . . Britney's representatives are denying that she may have been seeking help but don't deny the shaving and the inking and the crying and the . . .



Anna Nicole Smith Embalming Completed -- DANIA BEACH, Fla. - The body of starlet Anna Nicole Smith was embalmed Saturday, under a court order issued a day earlier.

Two embalmers finished the job around noon, according to Joshua Perper, the Broward County medical examiner. They promised not to discuss, write about, photograph or draw the body.

BEFORE


AFTER

"They did an excellent job, and the body will be ready for viewing with no problem," Perper said. "In other words, she's basically looking like she looked in life or very, very close to that."

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Bald Britney Braves Boos

Truth is stranger than fiction. So is the stuff reported in the news:


Bald Britney Appears at LA Tattoo Parlor -- LOS ANGELES, California - Britney Spears appeared in a tattoo parlor in the San Fernando Valley with her head shaved completely bald.

Video on KABC-TV showed the newly shorn Spears with tiny tattoos on the back of her neck as she sits Friday night for a new tattoo — a pair of red and pink lips.

Derrik Snell, who works at the tattoo parlor, said Spears showed up without notice and stayed for about 90 minutes as about 60 fans, photographers and gawkers gathered outside.

The appearance came the same day as reports on TV and Web sites that Spears, who has drawn criticism for her recent partying and sloppy behavior, had briefly checked into rehab.

Angelique Uram, a Spears fan who stood on the tattoo parlor's sidewalk for Friday night's spectacle, was aghast at the singer's new look.

"We could see her in the mirror, and her head is completely shaved," she told KABC. "It looks terrible."

Police arrived to control the crowd and helped Spears' bodyguards guide her into a waiting SUV, her head covered by a hooded sweatshirt.

The staff and management of Escape Velocity is torn as to whether Ms. Spears has gone completely nuts, if this is a desperate attempt to get K-Fed back (or if she's found a new pimp), if the rug matches the drapes, and/or if this is how she plans to win custody of the kids. We would just like to say to Britney, "Good luck and thank you."

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Mars!

Mars is in the news again. It seems that, if there actually are Martians, they are probably microscopic. Some rocket surgeon scientist has come up with another possible reason to think that there might be (or has been) water on Mars. And somehow the possible presence of water makes them think life is there, too.

Mars!

Personally, I don't have any problem believing that there is life elsewhere in the universe. Some of it may even be intelligent life. (Unless liberal Democrats are not a local phenomenon.) And I understand that scientists think that water is a necessary component for life to exist. I just don't know why every time a scientist has another water scenario theory every one jumps on the Life on Mars bandwagon.

I'm sure it probably has something to do with the daily news cycle on the 24 hour news networks and their palpable need to justify their existance by turning minor events into wild speculation and uncalled for witch hunts.

As for life on Mars. I am totally open to the idea but I think I'll wait until there is actual, literal proof that it exists. It is pretty hard getting excited about the possibility of water on Mars when we still haven't figured out who is the father of Anna Nicole's baby. Now that's news!

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Of Snowflakes and Plows

Fuck,
This shit.
This crystallized faerie dust
From the lungs of a Norse God.

Fuck,
This shit.
The flocking of trees
And the fucking of streets.

Fuck,
This shit.
The impassable highways
And the cardiac shoveling.

Fuck this shit.
Fuck this shit.

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The Eternal Embrace

Scientists recently unearthed the 5,000 year old remains of a couple caught in an eternal embrace. Just the other day the archaeologists have determined that they can save the tableau intact. I've been wondering about why and how this couple got this way.

The initial presumption, by most people, is that they were in love. It has been speculated that they were either young lovers who died in each others arms during some sort of natural disaster or that they were an older couple who wanted to spend eternity as they had lived their lives.

"It doesn't seem like a day over 3,600 years, dear."

Those are pretty theories which, as we all know, is the basis of most current science. I have a few theories of my own so I guess that makes me sort of an honorary scientist today. I hope I don't do anything to embarrass my scientifical colleagues.

Theory One: The couple is comprised of a doddering billionaire and his "fresh from the sex industry" wife. She expected to quickly outlive him and enjoy his fortune. Unfortunately, local custom required that she be buried with him and the rest of his "property".

Theory Two: They were having a "staring contest" to see who would have to milk the goat. It kinda got out of hand.

Theory Three: This is history's first recorded Super Glue accident.

Theory Four: The Olsen Twins latest diet.

Theory Five: This is a double "morning breath" homicide.

Theory Six: "I wonder if I turned the gas off?"

Theory Seven: In the early days, Cupid used real arrows.


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The Mexican Drug Siesta Plan

Mexico Wants to Partially Decriminalize Drugs -- MEXICO CITY - In a bold move reminiscent of a Cheech & Chong movie or a dose of Ex-lax, the Mexican government has decided to partially decriminalize drugs. When asked to confirm this new strategy in it's war against drugs, Reynaldo Juarez, Mexico's Minister of Silly Notions and Government Initiatives said, "Si."

Does that mean there will be no arrests for small quantities of certain drugs?

"Si."

Or does it mean only certain drugs will be illegal?

"Si."

Or . . . does it mean people will still be arrested but the penalties will be lowered?

"Si."

Or does it mean the police will confiscate half of your drugs for resale and you will only face criminal charges for what is left?

"Si."

Or . . . does it mean a new category of crime . . . such as felonies and misdemeanors . . . will the new crime category be called a "semimeanor" . . . or maybe a "quasimeanor"?

"Si."

. . . . . . Does . . . your wife . . . charge by the hour or is it more like piecework?

"Si."

You don't speak any English, do you?

"Si."

There you have it folks. The Mexican government has a brilliant plan to partially decriminalize drugs and the man I am talking to is an idiot. Isn't that right, sir?

"Si."

And these are the people outsmarting our border patrols.

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The Password Is: Interlude

Sometimes you just have to step back or drop out for a while. You have to break your routines. Sometimes it's necessary to climb up to a high spot to get the lay of the surrounding land -- just to see where the hell you are and where you've been and , if you are lucky, where you are going.




Unfortunately, if you live an active social life, other people are involved. Appointments and traditions and just hanging out times get broken. Feelings get hurt or, worst yet, people become "interested". Now, you'll have the additional distraction of trying to put well meaning people off while assuring them that there is, basically, nothing wrong. It's not enough to say, "We're just kinda chillin' this winter." Further explanations are required.

At any given time, people have a lot of stuff going on. It rarely has anything to do with anyone else and, sometimes, some of it needs to be taken care of.

We have a lot of good friends and a lot of "well wishers" whom we truly appreciate. We have also taken a "breather" from a very active social life. We are just chillin', reconnecting and "tinkering" with our health, menu options and lifestyles. We hope to be happier, healthier and maybe a little wiser come spring.

It's sort of the same thing as taking the family car in for a check up. Right now we have the hood up and she's checking my dipstick. Later, I'm hoping to grease the ol' rear end. Before long we'll be, once again, cruisin' down that endless highway of life . . . or parked in the tow away zone at WalMart.

That's Life, huh?

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Headlines of Convenience

Sometimes, you wake up on a Sunday morning and are absolutely blessed with the bounty that The Lord hath provided. I am speaking of a wealth of insane headlines and their attendant opportunities for satire. Or is it sarcasm. I'm still not sure.


Russell Crowe Axes Cheerleaders -- SYDNEY (AFP) - Oscar-winning actor Russell Crowe has banned cheerleaders from his rugby side's ground because he says they make spectators uncomfortable.

Crowe, who co-owns the South Sydney Rabbitohs, has replaced the scantily-clad pom-pom wavers with a percussion band to encourage crowd chants.

Does this mean that Russell Crowe is officially outing himself? First off -- rugby? That's sort of a gay version of soccer, which is already a gay version of football (real American football). And who, exactly, are these manly(?) guys that sit in the stands at this gay sport and feel uncomfortable around scantily-clad cheerleaders?

And why is he screwing around co-owning a rugby team? Doesn't he have a hotel clerk to terrorize or someone else's wife to steal? Apparently, those manly escapades were a clever cover to mask his all-male, marching band, rugby fetish.

Russell, this is what rehab is for.


Blind Photographers Show Work In Israel -- TEL AVIV, Israel - Reaching above her dark glasses, Riki Fritsh held a compact camera to her forehead and snapped away at a group of passengers boarding a bus. Most of the travelers were caught off guard by the camera's flash. But they were even more surprised to learn that Fritsh is blind.

Fritsh is one of nine blind photographers featured in an exhibition at the Bezalel Academy of Art and Design at Hebrew University in Jerusalem.

Unfortunately, the Deaf Art Critics Association (DACA) never heard about the exhibit and it was a total failure.

Ms. Fritsh was disappointed but claims to have missed the story in the morning papers. "What's next? Well, I was thinking of something like archery . . . or possibly astronomy."


Gates: Prisoner Abuse Scandal Hurts U. S. -- MUNICH, Germany - "Not as much as it hurts the prisoners, but still . . . "


Epicureans Fly to Bangkok for $25K Meal -- BANGKOK, Thailand - I'm not sure what that means but I'm pretty sure I'm against it.



Finally, I was talking with my wife last night. She will occasionally have a petite cigar while I am enjoying my manly cigar and a little Cognac. At one point, she commented that she liked a few slices of apple after her cigar to cleanse her palate.

I said, "Yeah? Well I like lobster after sex. It still has that fishy aftertaste but it's higher class."


I'm scheduled for the X-rays tomorrow

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Slouching Through Saturday

Since I have retired I am no respecter of days. They are pretty much all the same. Oh sure, I have Mistress Mondays and I go to the bookstore sometime mid-week but, other than that, every day is pretty much the same.

So, today I'm just going to continue reading Will Durant's History of Civilization, watch some old John Wayne westerns on TV and finish compiling a Valentine playlist for my wife's iPod . . . and fix the countertop in the spare bathroom . . . and exercise . . . and add some labels to some of my older blogs . . . and work on my book . . . and maintenance the hot tub . . . and share some headlines with you . . .


Alburquerque Tops Fittist City List -- ALBURQUERQUE, N.M. - They have the tallest, thinnist skyscrapers! Despite making the coveted Fittist City listing, critics suspect Alburquerque is hiding a dark secret. Skyscraper Bulemia. Every day at 5:30 many downtown buildings are seen to eschew thousands of people. "The restaurants are especially bad after dinner." one New Mexico Legislator has complained. "I currently have a bill before the Senate requiring shorter, wider standards for downtown buildings. Our society has been brought up to think that skyscrapers are glamorous -- but at what cost . . . at what cost?"

When asked what the hell he was talking about he started mumbling something about all the U's and Q's in Alburquerque. "It just isn't natural! And don't even get me started of phonetics."


Engineer: GPS Shoes Make People More Findable -- MIAMI, Fla. - Now if they can only locate that other sock.


Muslim Women Don't Have To Wear Veils: Queen Rania -- ROME, Italy - "That is correct." says Amu-Dabu Wanna Lamma, Chief Cleric for one of those Muslim Mosque thingies. "In fact, they don't have to wear their heads at all."



Head of Cartoon Network Resigns -- ATLANTA, Ga. - Jim Samples, the head of the Cartoon Network resigned Friday following a marketing stunt that caused a security scare in Boston.

When asked for a comment, Mr. Samples replied, "I can't belive I'm getting fired because of those two fucking idiots in Boston! I don't want to go! I've got fucking bills and a mortgage! Stupid, fucking idiots . . . "

A replacement for Samples, who had been with the company for 13 years, was not immediately announced.


No Deal Reached in N. Korea Nuke Talks -- BEIJING, China - Negotiators on North Korea's nuclear programs engaged in intense diplomacy on Saturday but a deal that would see the communist state take its first real steps to disarm remained elusive. Japan's top envoy told reporters that a resolution had yet to be reached, though talks continue on Sunday.

A spokesman for North Korea said, "We would like to thank the Clinton administration for selling us the fissionable material in the form of a nuclear power plant, in the first place. None of this would be possible without them. And, let us say, we are looking foreward to the possibility of another Clinton in the White House. All of the Communists are."


Convicted Child Molester Gets 800 Years -- SAN JOSE, Calif. - The former roommate of one of the nation's most prolific child molesters was sentenced Friday to at least 800 years in prison for sexually abusing three boys.

But with good behaviour, he will be elegible for parole in 2357. The DA in this case was outraged at the lenient sentencing. "I will be there for that hearing. He's NOT getting out early!"

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Anna Nicole, We hardly Knew Ye

I was working through another batch of headlines this morning. As past readers know, I seldom read the news stories that accompany the headlines -- I make up my own stories or comments. I do this because so little of the news makes sense and I usually understand my take on things better. Besides, with the current state of journalism, it's a crap shoot either way.



Anna Nicole Smith dies in Florida at 39 -- HOLLYWOOD, Fla. - It is a tragic but familiar story that is too often told. Girl meets boy; boy dies and leaves girl a gazillion dollars, boy's family objects to girl and her inheritance, girl gets fat; girl gets thin; girl's money is tied up in the courts; girl meets other boy(s); girl gets pregnant; girl has baby and her adult son dies mysteriously in the hospital room; girl refuses paternity test for baby; boy(s) fight over paternity because they want to be such good Dad(s)[or possibly gizillionaires]; girl dies mysteriously in Florida hotel; boy(s) claim baby as their own; time passes; baby meets boy . . .

This is what passes for entertainment in America.



Violence Erupts at Jerusalem Holy Site -- JERUSALEM - No shit? Violence in the middle east? And in Israel of all places? I hope nobody was hurt.


iPod illegal at NYC Crosswalks? -- NEW YORK, New York, NY, new york, ny - Another asshole, New York legislator with nothing better to do is trying to micro-manage everyone else's lives, again. This time he is trying to "protect" people from the evils of music. Apparently, several people in the past year have been hit by cars while crossing the street. Suspiciously, they were using iPods at the time. Now -- everybody has to lose the iPods.

We are now living in a world where kids have to wear headgear to ride their bikes, 6 year olds have to ride in child seats, cell phones are illegal in cars, seat belts are mandatory, smoking is illegal, and light bulbs are endangered.

What ever happened to personal choice in this country? Don't these idiots in charge have enough to keep them busy? Did I miss it or have we solved the terrorist problem, the cost of health care problem, the national budget problem, the various crime problems, etc? How about a little "big picture" thinking for a change . . . and quit trying to micromanage our lives.

That's what we have wives for.


Police Probe Alleged Homeless Dumping -- LOS ANGELES, Ca. - A hospital van dropped off a paraplegic man on Skid Row, allegedly leaving him crawling in the street with nothing more than a soiled gown and a broken colostomy bag, police said.

The homeless man was later arrested when they found earbud marks and other iPod paraphinalia. "We found evidence to suggest this suspect clearly is an MP3 user and the earbuds are enough to charge him with intent to listen." a police spokesman said. "This may seem like a "soft" crime but, believe me, it is truly a gateway offence leading to more desperate criminal acts. If we don't stop this now, in six months he will be out here with light bulbs in his pockets, looking for a lamp and some cheap illumination. And we are three blocks from an elementary school, for God's sake."



That's it. Now go home and hug a loved one before it's illegal.

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A Day at the Courthouse

Astronaut Heads Home After Jail Release -- ORLANDO, Fla. -Astronaut Lisa Nowak boarded a plane Wednesday to return home to Texas, a day after being charged with trying to murder the woman she believed was her romantic rival for a space shuttle pilot's affections.

Nowak walked through Orlando International Airport with a jacket covering her head and a police escort as television cameras followed her. She was accompanied by chief astronaut Steve Lindsey, who has said she would return to Texas.

Nowak was charged with attempted first-degree murder, attempted kidnapping and three other crimes Tuesday, all stemming from what police described as a love triangle involving a fellow astronaut. It was a remarkable downfall for Nowak, whose life seemed to be on a perfect trajectory until a few months ago.

Our Escape Velocity reporters were on the scene, at the courthouse, during Lisa Nowak's initial appearance. She was wearing an orange jumpsuit reminiscent of her astronaut garb and stood quietly next to her lawyer.

Her lawyer, Giuseppe Manicott, is here in Orlando on an experimental lawyer exchange program with Italy. Either that, or he's been separated from his group at Disney and wandered into the courthouse. Either way, he spoke for the defendant. The Presiding Judge was Waldo Fottombeeder.



Judge: State your client's name.








Giuseppe: She's a No-wack.






Judge: Let the record show the defendent's name is Lisa Nowak.

Judge: How does your client plead?

Giuseppe: She's a No-wack.

Judge: We are looking for a plea of guilty or not guilty. You may plead your client's mental state at a later hearing.

Giuseppe: She's a No-wack.

Judge: Well, if she isn't, she has a lot of explaining to do. But, right now, all I need is a simple plea.

Giuseppe: She's a No-wack.

Judge: What's the matter with you?

Judge: O.K. I'm going to enter a plea of not guilty for your client. Since the charge is attempted murder and attempted kidnapping and since the defendant lives out of state, but because I hear she is currently between men, I'm going to set the bail at $25,500 and require that she wears a GPS tracking device while she is awaiting trial. However, due to the nature of her job, we will set the limit to . . . let's say . . . 40,000 miles. Court is adjourned.

Judge: And Miss Nowak? I must say, that diaper thing really works for you.

After the hearing we caught up with Lisa Nowak's lawyer.

Escape Velocity: Mr. Manicott. Are we to understand that you are NOT going to plead some sort of insanity defence?

Giuseppe: She's a No-wack.

Escape Velocity: Is it true your client wouldn't hurt a fly?

Giuseppe: She's a No-wack.

Escape Velocity: There you have it folks. Giuseppe Manicott, Lisa Nowak's lawyer, says his client is not insane and is no danger to anyone. We will continue to keep you informed as this story unfolds.

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The Lisa Nowak Show

Meet Lisa, who's been most everywhere,
From Earth to space -- a way out there.
But Lissey's only seen the sights
A girl can see from Huston Heights — What a crazy pair!

But they're nutjobs,
Identical nutjobs all the way.
One pair of matching bookends,
Different as night and day.

Where Lisa adores a robotic arm,
The Space Shuttle, and a space ant farm,
Our Lissey loves to rock and roll,
An astronaut makes her lose control — And she's quite a Mom!

Still, they're nutjobs,
Identical nutjobs and you'll find,
They laugh alike, they walk alike,
At times they even stalk alike —
You can lose your mind,
When nutjobs are two of a kind.



Special thanks to Sid Ramin and Bob Wells

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Get An iPod Ad -- Take One!

iPod: Hi. I'm an 30G iPod . . .








Zune: . . . and I'm a 30G Zune.



iPod: So, how are your brothers and sisters?

Zune: Me? I'm an only child.

iPod: Really? I didn't know. I have a lot of brothers and sisters. The baby of the family is the 1G Shuffle, then we have the 2G, 4G, and 8G Nanos, and I have a big brother 80G Video iPod.

Zune: Christmas must be fun for you guys.

iPod: For us it's more about giving . . . And, oh yeah, we also have family all around the world and we can hook up with Macs and PCs.

Zune: Yeah. We're only in the U.S. and only associate with PCs. Dad doesn't get along too well with others.

iPod: Bummer. You, ah . . . you look like you're putting on a little weight. We're both 30G but you look like you're about 40% larger to grip and about 17% heavier.

Zune: No, I've always been this size. I just have a big frame.

iPod: I hear you're available in black, white and brown.

Zune: Actually, it's pearl white.

iPod: Yeah, that's great. We aren't available in brown or that pearl thingy. But we do come in black and white . . . and silver . . . and pink . . . and green . . . and blue . . . and orange.

Zune: O.K. I get it!

iPod: . . . and red!

Zune: (no comment -- just a stare)

iPod: Have I shown you the custom engraving on my back? I get it for free.

Zune: That's nice. We don't have anything like that.

iPod: What's that you have in your chest? It looks sort of like my scroll wheel.

Zune: They are four directional menu buttons.

iPod: Really? Because my users can scroll at variable speeds just by running their thumb around my single wheel. Oh . . . AND I have your four directional menu buttons built in, as well.

Zune: Well . . . My screen is bigger!

iPod: I noticed -- it kind of fits your big body. How's your screen resolution? And can it be viewed without a backlight?

Zune: (no comment -- just a stare)

iPod: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Hey! I hear we can both customize our main menu items!

Zune: No. That's just you.

iPod: So . . . let's try to find some common ground. I support MP3, AIFF, WAV and audiobook files.

Zune: I do MP3 and WMA ( That's proprietary -- it's something just Dad can read).

iPod: Good luck with that. I support a lossless music format. You wouldn't happen to, would you?

Zune: No.

iPod: Gapless playback? Volume normalization? Audio bookmarking? Adjustable speed settings for audiobooks? Repeat single songs? Shuffle by album?

Zune: No, no, no, no, no, and no.

iPod: What about EQ settings? I have 24.

Zune: I have 7.

iPod: I have 11 transition modes for photo slideshows.

Zune: I have 1. It's called "fade".

iPod: Have you visited the iTunes store?

Zune: No, I'm not allowed to. I do all my shopping at Zune Marketplace.

iPod: Well, I'm sure they are very similar. iTunes sells individual songs for .99.

Zune: Zune Marketplace has a $5 minimum purchase.

iPod: Ouch! Do they sell video content or audiobooks?

Zune: No . . . and no.

iPod: I don't want to pile on, Dude, but I hear iTunes has one million more songs than your place and that our album art is at 20 times the resolution.

Zune: It's O.K., I'm used to it.

iPod: O.K., let's see . . . Can you connect to a digital camera? Act as an external hard drive? Do you have pre-loaded games? Or include a personal information manager?

Zune: No, no, no, and no.

iPod: You know, I ought to get going. Do you know what time it is?

Zune: No. I don't have any clock or timer functions.

iPod: Well, it's been interesting talking to you. I'd say I'll see you around . . . but I'm not so sure about that.

Zune: (no comment -- just a stare)

iPod: O.K., then. 'Bye.

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Dead Baby Photo Shoot

I read a recent Dear Abby letter that piqued my interest.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of my friends at work. We have a co-worker, "Madge," who had a stillborn baby last year. It was tragic. Our problem is, she keeps a photo of the deceased infant with its little eyes sewn shut on her desk in plain view, so that if we must interact with her (we have an open cubicle layout) we have to see it.

Is this appropriate? Ninety percent of the employees here are women. Most are appalled. Others say, "Well, it's all she has." -- APPALLED IN THE MIDWEST

This letter got me to wondering about what else was going on in Madge's life, so Escape Velocity has sent out it's reporting team of rovers to sniff out the truth.


On a bookshelf in another part of Madge's cubicle is a picture of her dead husband. In it, the corpse is posed in a chaise lounge chair next to the pool, holding a cigar between his otherwise stitched together lips, a drink is on the table next to him. There is a comic book open on his lap.

In another photo, she is "helping" the dead baby walk; it's little hands in hers, it's little feet on the floor, it's little chin on it's chest. And Madge seems happy enough in the picture or at least she has some sort of mad grin on her face.

Elsewhere, our cracked team of reporters broke into her house, pretending to be home invaders, so as not to arouse the neighbors in this predominantly cowardly neighborhood.

Inside were two dead women, presumably a mother and maiden aunt, sitting (or posed) at the dining room table having high tea. This was so wrong on so many levels, including that it was only 9:45 AM and high tea clearly does not start until around 6 PM and includes a meal.

In the living room was a stuffed dog laying in front of the fireplace. Ironically, the fire was dead. At various other places throughout the room, including basking in the sun on a window sill, were several dead cats.

Our team quietly backed out of the house, backed the car out of the driveway and backed the whole way to Escape Velocity's Carribean Headquarters. Unfortunately, they work out of the Chicago office.

I thought I would take a shot at answering the letter for ABBY. I didn't think she would mind because she, too, is dead and her daughter (I think her name is Lorna Luft) is still answering her mail.

DEAR APPALLED IN THE MIDWEST: There is an old saying that tells us to "let the dead bury the dead." I'm not sure how practical that advice is but I'm pretty sure that Madge would pay for pictures of it. But seriously, don't you think you should mind your own business before Madge starts mentally framing you for her next photo shoot? But seriously, seriously, if you have any company parties you should smell her dip before you eat it. Seriously. -- ESCAPE VELOCITY

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Super Bowl Wives

This is Super Bowl Sunday so a lot of people are going to seem a little out of it. But, unlike a segment on Fox News yesterday, I don't view this as a problem needing to be solved. It is just a game that the whole frickin' world goes nuts over -- gorging themselves on statistics and food.

Manly food. Pizza and wings and tortilla chips and those little hot dog thingies that are already baked into some kind of pastry shell and chips and dip and beer -- lots of beer -- and popcorn and hoagies and beer -- did I mention beer? -- and nuts and burgers and fries and . . . and beer!


And chicks, man! The scantily clad cheerleaders, the scantily clad chicks in the ads, the brainiac chicks on the side lines blathering something into a microphone and the chicks that grew up to become Kentucky Fried -- and beer!

I know some of the wives gamely try to get into it and let me say, "That's sweet dear, but stay the fuck away from me during the game, bring food, take away empties and if you aren't too busy, could you do some naked cheerleading for my buddies? That's a nice wifey. Now, shouldn't you be ordering those pizzas . . . and that beer isn't going to bring itself to me. You know what I mean? So get the fuck out and try to show some more skin. O.K.?"

It is nice having a wife who understands. Occasionally a man -- and his friends -- have needs. And Super Bowl Sunday is no exception. I'm not quite sure if most men are living vicariously through the players or if a lot of them even understand the "slope Y, split omega" defence, but it is a chance to feel manly, shout "YES!" five times in twenty minutes and eat twice the weight of their brains in hot wings.

So, before I get too distracted, I just wanted to thank my wife for all the food and beer and for keeping my friends busy while I'm trying to watch the game.

"And, I just wanted you to know that I'll be there for you the next time the women have some sort of super sporting event -- you can count on it!"

Love, Johnny

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