I Can Do That!

I had a mis-communication with the petite red head the other day and in typical guy fashion I tried to fix it. First I sat and did a quick mental re-wind of the conversation just to make sure I wasn't hearing the voices in my head incorrectly. When I thought I had it right I slowed it down a bit and started listening for inflection.

This was difficult because total recall can sometimes be confusing. In my memory, we were sitting under the tiki gazebo on the deck, smoking little cigars and drinking something cool. As I was recalling the memory I was sitting under the tiki gazebo on the deck, smoking a full sized cigar and drinking something cool. Somehow the memory and reality momentarily merged and I ended up lighting my big cigar in the middle - where the end of the little cigar was in the memory.

So, having to my satisfaction retrieved the conversation, I concluded that I had completely misunderstood something she had asked me and that what she was asking was too important for me to have blown off. Oh, Oh. Trouble in Johnnyland!

So how do I fix it? The simplest way would be to ask her about it and then talk about it. The guy way of fixing it is to write her a long rambling email exploring not only what I think she may have been asking me but about several variations on the theme, as well. I told her about everything I thought she was thinking and everything I thought she thought I was thinking and everything she thought I thought she was thinking... You get the idea. Then, just for shits and giggles, I threw in something from a previous mis-communication. Just to keep it interesting.

Then, to keep it light, I asked her how her day was going. I didn't want her to think I wasn't being cool about the whole thing. You know?

And this is why I like the petite red head so much. She didn't care about how badly I was mangling things. She didn't respond to my volcanic eruption of blather. She simply said, "OK, you need to just sit on the deck and read and QUIT THINKING."

Which was pretty good advice and in typical guy fashion I accepted it as another project to work on. Already picking a cigar, wondering how much Cognac I had left and where I had put my Lives of the Later Caesars, I absentmindedly emailed her saying, "I can do that."

(She thinks I'm funny.)


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Headlines of Convenience

Sometimes, you wake up on a Sunday morning and are absolutely blessed with the bounty that The Lord hath provided. I am speaking of a wealth of insane headlines and their attendant opportunities for satire. Or is it sarcasm. I'm still not sure.


Russell Crowe Axes Cheerleaders -- SYDNEY (AFP) - Oscar-winning actor Russell Crowe has banned cheerleaders from his rugby side's ground because he says they make spectators uncomfortable.

Crowe, who co-owns the South Sydney Rabbitohs, has replaced the scantily-clad pom-pom wavers with a percussion band to encourage crowd chants.

Does this mean that Russell Crowe is officially outing himself? First off -- rugby? That's sort of a gay version of soccer, which is already a gay version of football (real American football). And who, exactly, are these manly(?) guys that sit in the stands at this gay sport and feel uncomfortable around scantily-clad cheerleaders?

And why is he screwing around co-owning a rugby team? Doesn't he have a hotel clerk to terrorize or someone else's wife to steal? Apparently, those manly escapades were a clever cover to mask his all-male, marching band, rugby fetish.

Russell, this is what rehab is for.


Blind Photographers Show Work In Israel -- TEL AVIV, Israel - Reaching above her dark glasses, Riki Fritsh held a compact camera to her forehead and snapped away at a group of passengers boarding a bus. Most of the travelers were caught off guard by the camera's flash. But they were even more surprised to learn that Fritsh is blind.

Fritsh is one of nine blind photographers featured in an exhibition at the Bezalel Academy of Art and Design at Hebrew University in Jerusalem.

Unfortunately, the Deaf Art Critics Association (DACA) never heard about the exhibit and it was a total failure.

Ms. Fritsh was disappointed but claims to have missed the story in the morning papers. "What's next? Well, I was thinking of something like archery . . . or possibly astronomy."


Gates: Prisoner Abuse Scandal Hurts U. S. -- MUNICH, Germany - "Not as much as it hurts the prisoners, but still . . . "


Epicureans Fly to Bangkok for $25K Meal -- BANGKOK, Thailand - I'm not sure what that means but I'm pretty sure I'm against it.



Finally, I was talking with my wife last night. She will occasionally have a petite cigar while I am enjoying my manly cigar and a little Cognac. At one point, she commented that she liked a few slices of apple after her cigar to cleanse her palate.

I said, "Yeah? Well I like lobster after sex. It still has that fishy aftertaste but it's higher class."


I'm scheduled for the X-rays tomorrow

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