Headlines of Convenience

Sometimes, you wake up on a Sunday morning and are absolutely blessed with the bounty that The Lord hath provided. I am speaking of a wealth of insane headlines and their attendant opportunities for satire. Or is it sarcasm. I'm still not sure.


Russell Crowe Axes Cheerleaders -- SYDNEY (AFP) - Oscar-winning actor Russell Crowe has banned cheerleaders from his rugby side's ground because he says they make spectators uncomfortable.

Crowe, who co-owns the South Sydney Rabbitohs, has replaced the scantily-clad pom-pom wavers with a percussion band to encourage crowd chants.

Does this mean that Russell Crowe is officially outing himself? First off -- rugby? That's sort of a gay version of soccer, which is already a gay version of football (real American football). And who, exactly, are these manly(?) guys that sit in the stands at this gay sport and feel uncomfortable around scantily-clad cheerleaders?

And why is he screwing around co-owning a rugby team? Doesn't he have a hotel clerk to terrorize or someone else's wife to steal? Apparently, those manly escapades were a clever cover to mask his all-male, marching band, rugby fetish.

Russell, this is what rehab is for.


Blind Photographers Show Work In Israel -- TEL AVIV, Israel - Reaching above her dark glasses, Riki Fritsh held a compact camera to her forehead and snapped away at a group of passengers boarding a bus. Most of the travelers were caught off guard by the camera's flash. But they were even more surprised to learn that Fritsh is blind.

Fritsh is one of nine blind photographers featured in an exhibition at the Bezalel Academy of Art and Design at Hebrew University in Jerusalem.

Unfortunately, the Deaf Art Critics Association (DACA) never heard about the exhibit and it was a total failure.

Ms. Fritsh was disappointed but claims to have missed the story in the morning papers. "What's next? Well, I was thinking of something like archery . . . or possibly astronomy."


Gates: Prisoner Abuse Scandal Hurts U. S. -- MUNICH, Germany - "Not as much as it hurts the prisoners, but still . . . "


Epicureans Fly to Bangkok for $25K Meal -- BANGKOK, Thailand - I'm not sure what that means but I'm pretty sure I'm against it.



Finally, I was talking with my wife last night. She will occasionally have a petite cigar while I am enjoying my manly cigar and a little Cognac. At one point, she commented that she liked a few slices of apple after her cigar to cleanse her palate.

I said, "Yeah? Well I like lobster after sex. It still has that fishy aftertaste but it's higher class."


I'm scheduled for the X-rays tomorrow

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Trump to Miss USA: You're . . . 21?(!)

Tara Conner, who has just turned 21 (legal), has been given a second chance. She apparently humiliated herself, privately, to Donald Trump's satisfaction, so she was given an opportunity to become the latest celebrity poster-girl for sobriety.

Boo-fucking-Hoo!

Tara Conner has agreed to go into a rehabilitation program for an unspecified problem and would not be stripped of the title of Miss USA 2006.

Conner tearfully told reporters at the news conference that she realizes she is a role model and denied reports of widespread problems with alcohol and drugs.

"I wouldn't say that I am an alcoholic. That would be pushing the envelope a little bit," she said. "I don't have a problem with anything like that."

Where's his other hand?

We here at Escape Velocity would like to congratulate Ms. Conner for using her head on . . . er, uh, with The Donald and wish her success in overcoming her non-problem. As we all know, the first step to recovery is denying you have a problem.

Tara Conner joins a growing list of celebrity bad girls that includes Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and others. And, like the rest of them, Tara is permitted to act outrageously, break laws, shed a few tears, bat her eyes and get a pass. Then she'll do some bogus rehab time before reassuming the mantle of "role model".

It is all bullshit. If the board members of the Miss USA Pageant and Donald Trump want young women to learn something from the Tara Conner debacle, she should have been stripped of her title and fired.

The lesson to be learned would be actions have consequences. Behave yourself. Don't fuck up.

But in the land of second, third and fourth chances (for celebrities only) ordinary little girls and young women must learn the harsh reality of that lesson for themselves.. There are no second chances for ordinary citizens. Drunk driving, drug possession and car accidents have life ruining consequences. The law doesn't care if they are young or pretty or how much they cry and "Tara got away with it" is not an acceptable argument in a court of law.

The next time The Donald wants to exhibit his trumped up compassion, maybe he should think of the message he is sending to the rest of us. Rank has privilege . . . and this is as rank as it gets.

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