Headlines of Convenience

Sometimes, you wake up on a Sunday morning and are absolutely blessed with the bounty that The Lord hath provided. I am speaking of a wealth of insane headlines and their attendant opportunities for satire. Or is it sarcasm. I'm still not sure.


Russell Crowe Axes Cheerleaders -- SYDNEY (AFP) - Oscar-winning actor Russell Crowe has banned cheerleaders from his rugby side's ground because he says they make spectators uncomfortable.

Crowe, who co-owns the South Sydney Rabbitohs, has replaced the scantily-clad pom-pom wavers with a percussion band to encourage crowd chants.

Does this mean that Russell Crowe is officially outing himself? First off -- rugby? That's sort of a gay version of soccer, which is already a gay version of football (real American football). And who, exactly, are these manly(?) guys that sit in the stands at this gay sport and feel uncomfortable around scantily-clad cheerleaders?

And why is he screwing around co-owning a rugby team? Doesn't he have a hotel clerk to terrorize or someone else's wife to steal? Apparently, those manly escapades were a clever cover to mask his all-male, marching band, rugby fetish.

Russell, this is what rehab is for.


Blind Photographers Show Work In Israel -- TEL AVIV, Israel - Reaching above her dark glasses, Riki Fritsh held a compact camera to her forehead and snapped away at a group of passengers boarding a bus. Most of the travelers were caught off guard by the camera's flash. But they were even more surprised to learn that Fritsh is blind.

Fritsh is one of nine blind photographers featured in an exhibition at the Bezalel Academy of Art and Design at Hebrew University in Jerusalem.

Unfortunately, the Deaf Art Critics Association (DACA) never heard about the exhibit and it was a total failure.

Ms. Fritsh was disappointed but claims to have missed the story in the morning papers. "What's next? Well, I was thinking of something like archery . . . or possibly astronomy."


Gates: Prisoner Abuse Scandal Hurts U. S. -- MUNICH, Germany - "Not as much as it hurts the prisoners, but still . . . "


Epicureans Fly to Bangkok for $25K Meal -- BANGKOK, Thailand - I'm not sure what that means but I'm pretty sure I'm against it.



Finally, I was talking with my wife last night. She will occasionally have a petite cigar while I am enjoying my manly cigar and a little Cognac. At one point, she commented that she liked a few slices of apple after her cigar to cleanse her palate.

I said, "Yeah? Well I like lobster after sex. It still has that fishy aftertaste but it's higher class."


I'm scheduled for the X-rays tomorrow

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Super Bowl Wives

This is Super Bowl Sunday so a lot of people are going to seem a little out of it. But, unlike a segment on Fox News yesterday, I don't view this as a problem needing to be solved. It is just a game that the whole frickin' world goes nuts over -- gorging themselves on statistics and food.

Manly food. Pizza and wings and tortilla chips and those little hot dog thingies that are already baked into some kind of pastry shell and chips and dip and beer -- lots of beer -- and popcorn and hoagies and beer -- did I mention beer? -- and nuts and burgers and fries and . . . and beer!


And chicks, man! The scantily clad cheerleaders, the scantily clad chicks in the ads, the brainiac chicks on the side lines blathering something into a microphone and the chicks that grew up to become Kentucky Fried -- and beer!

I know some of the wives gamely try to get into it and let me say, "That's sweet dear, but stay the fuck away from me during the game, bring food, take away empties and if you aren't too busy, could you do some naked cheerleading for my buddies? That's a nice wifey. Now, shouldn't you be ordering those pizzas . . . and that beer isn't going to bring itself to me. You know what I mean? So get the fuck out and try to show some more skin. O.K.?"

It is nice having a wife who understands. Occasionally a man -- and his friends -- have needs. And Super Bowl Sunday is no exception. I'm not quite sure if most men are living vicariously through the players or if a lot of them even understand the "slope Y, split omega" defence, but it is a chance to feel manly, shout "YES!" five times in twenty minutes and eat twice the weight of their brains in hot wings.

So, before I get too distracted, I just wanted to thank my wife for all the food and beer and for keeping my friends busy while I'm trying to watch the game.

"And, I just wanted you to know that I'll be there for you the next time the women have some sort of super sporting event -- you can count on it!"

Love, Johnny

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