New Newsie Newsisms

Well, the news faeries have sprinkled their noxious news dust across the Internet while I slept peacefully with last night's selections from my harem. After some very vigorous push-ups this morning I noticed the following stories.


Lying to Doctor Can Mean Health Risks -- CHICAGO, Ill. - There's an open secret in medicine: Patients lie.

They lie about how much they smoke and whether they're taking their medicine. They understate how much they drink and overstate how much they exercise. They feign symptoms to get appointments quicker and ask doctors to hide the truth from insurance companies.

But lying can lead to expensive diagnostic procedures and unneeded referrals to specialists. It also can have disastrous results.

Like the time I lied to my Doctor about sleeping with his wife and he prescribed arsenic for a head cold . . .

. . . or the time I lied to a Doctor in my foursome about my golf score and he scheduled elbow surgery for my hemorrhoids . . .

. . . or the time at band camp when I lied to the Doctor about a strained back to get out of canoeing and he said he had to message my prostrate for two hours with his special tool . . .



Finding a Toilet at Mardis Gras is a Challenge -- NEW ORLEANS - But piss in an alley and see how fast you can find a cop.



Asians Usher in the Year of the Pig -- BEIJING - Asians flocked to temples, parks and Disneyland on Sunday to pray, play, eat, and celebrate the first day of the Lunar New Year, ushering in the Year of the Pig.

They are, however, a year behind the United States. The USA celebrated the Year of the Pig in 2006 with such celebrities as Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Anna Nicole Smith, Tara Conner, and others. Thanks for the memories girls.




Britney Goes Bald in Stunning Makeover -- LOS ANGELES - A tearful Britney Spears defiantly shaved her head at a Los Angeles hair salon after the owner refused to take part in the embattled pop star's latest extreme makeover, news reports said on Saturday.

The Friday evening visit to Esther's Haircutting Studio in the Tarzana district of Los Angeles was followed by a trip to a tattoo parlor where the 25-year-old mother of two young sons added two designs to her body.

The transformation came on the same day People magazine and other entertainment media reported that Spears recently entered a rehabilitation center in the Caribbean island of Antigua and checked out a day later. The reports were denied by Spears' representatives.

So . . . Britney's representatives are denying that she may have been seeking help but don't deny the shaving and the inking and the crying and the . . .



Anna Nicole Smith Embalming Completed -- DANIA BEACH, Fla. - The body of starlet Anna Nicole Smith was embalmed Saturday, under a court order issued a day earlier.

Two embalmers finished the job around noon, according to Joshua Perper, the Broward County medical examiner. They promised not to discuss, write about, photograph or draw the body.

BEFORE


AFTER

"They did an excellent job, and the body will be ready for viewing with no problem," Perper said. "In other words, she's basically looking like she looked in life or very, very close to that."

.

Anna Nicole, We hardly Knew Ye

I was working through another batch of headlines this morning. As past readers know, I seldom read the news stories that accompany the headlines -- I make up my own stories or comments. I do this because so little of the news makes sense and I usually understand my take on things better. Besides, with the current state of journalism, it's a crap shoot either way.



Anna Nicole Smith dies in Florida at 39 -- HOLLYWOOD, Fla. - It is a tragic but familiar story that is too often told. Girl meets boy; boy dies and leaves girl a gazillion dollars, boy's family objects to girl and her inheritance, girl gets fat; girl gets thin; girl's money is tied up in the courts; girl meets other boy(s); girl gets pregnant; girl has baby and her adult son dies mysteriously in the hospital room; girl refuses paternity test for baby; boy(s) fight over paternity because they want to be such good Dad(s)[or possibly gizillionaires]; girl dies mysteriously in Florida hotel; boy(s) claim baby as their own; time passes; baby meets boy . . .

This is what passes for entertainment in America.



Violence Erupts at Jerusalem Holy Site -- JERUSALEM - No shit? Violence in the middle east? And in Israel of all places? I hope nobody was hurt.


iPod illegal at NYC Crosswalks? -- NEW YORK, New York, NY, new york, ny - Another asshole, New York legislator with nothing better to do is trying to micro-manage everyone else's lives, again. This time he is trying to "protect" people from the evils of music. Apparently, several people in the past year have been hit by cars while crossing the street. Suspiciously, they were using iPods at the time. Now -- everybody has to lose the iPods.

We are now living in a world where kids have to wear headgear to ride their bikes, 6 year olds have to ride in child seats, cell phones are illegal in cars, seat belts are mandatory, smoking is illegal, and light bulbs are endangered.

What ever happened to personal choice in this country? Don't these idiots in charge have enough to keep them busy? Did I miss it or have we solved the terrorist problem, the cost of health care problem, the national budget problem, the various crime problems, etc? How about a little "big picture" thinking for a change . . . and quit trying to micromanage our lives.

That's what we have wives for.


Police Probe Alleged Homeless Dumping -- LOS ANGELES, Ca. - A hospital van dropped off a paraplegic man on Skid Row, allegedly leaving him crawling in the street with nothing more than a soiled gown and a broken colostomy bag, police said.

The homeless man was later arrested when they found earbud marks and other iPod paraphinalia. "We found evidence to suggest this suspect clearly is an MP3 user and the earbuds are enough to charge him with intent to listen." a police spokesman said. "This may seem like a "soft" crime but, believe me, it is truly a gateway offence leading to more desperate criminal acts. If we don't stop this now, in six months he will be out here with light bulbs in his pockets, looking for a lamp and some cheap illumination. And we are three blocks from an elementary school, for God's sake."



That's it. Now go home and hug a loved one before it's illegal.

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