New Newsie Newsisms

Well, the news faeries have sprinkled their noxious news dust across the Internet while I slept peacefully with last night's selections from my harem. After some very vigorous push-ups this morning I noticed the following stories.


Lying to Doctor Can Mean Health Risks -- CHICAGO, Ill. - There's an open secret in medicine: Patients lie.

They lie about how much they smoke and whether they're taking their medicine. They understate how much they drink and overstate how much they exercise. They feign symptoms to get appointments quicker and ask doctors to hide the truth from insurance companies.

But lying can lead to expensive diagnostic procedures and unneeded referrals to specialists. It also can have disastrous results.

Like the time I lied to my Doctor about sleeping with his wife and he prescribed arsenic for a head cold . . .

. . . or the time I lied to a Doctor in my foursome about my golf score and he scheduled elbow surgery for my hemorrhoids . . .

. . . or the time at band camp when I lied to the Doctor about a strained back to get out of canoeing and he said he had to message my prostrate for two hours with his special tool . . .



Finding a Toilet at Mardis Gras is a Challenge -- NEW ORLEANS - But piss in an alley and see how fast you can find a cop.



Asians Usher in the Year of the Pig -- BEIJING - Asians flocked to temples, parks and Disneyland on Sunday to pray, play, eat, and celebrate the first day of the Lunar New Year, ushering in the Year of the Pig.

They are, however, a year behind the United States. The USA celebrated the Year of the Pig in 2006 with such celebrities as Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Anna Nicole Smith, Tara Conner, and others. Thanks for the memories girls.




Britney Goes Bald in Stunning Makeover -- LOS ANGELES - A tearful Britney Spears defiantly shaved her head at a Los Angeles hair salon after the owner refused to take part in the embattled pop star's latest extreme makeover, news reports said on Saturday.

The Friday evening visit to Esther's Haircutting Studio in the Tarzana district of Los Angeles was followed by a trip to a tattoo parlor where the 25-year-old mother of two young sons added two designs to her body.

The transformation came on the same day People magazine and other entertainment media reported that Spears recently entered a rehabilitation center in the Caribbean island of Antigua and checked out a day later. The reports were denied by Spears' representatives.

So . . . Britney's representatives are denying that she may have been seeking help but don't deny the shaving and the inking and the crying and the . . .



Anna Nicole Smith Embalming Completed -- DANIA BEACH, Fla. - The body of starlet Anna Nicole Smith was embalmed Saturday, under a court order issued a day earlier.

Two embalmers finished the job around noon, according to Joshua Perper, the Broward County medical examiner. They promised not to discuss, write about, photograph or draw the body.

BEFORE


AFTER

"They did an excellent job, and the body will be ready for viewing with no problem," Perper said. "In other words, she's basically looking like she looked in life or very, very close to that."

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Bald Britney Braves Boos

Truth is stranger than fiction. So is the stuff reported in the news:


Bald Britney Appears at LA Tattoo Parlor -- LOS ANGELES, California - Britney Spears appeared in a tattoo parlor in the San Fernando Valley with her head shaved completely bald.

Video on KABC-TV showed the newly shorn Spears with tiny tattoos on the back of her neck as she sits Friday night for a new tattoo — a pair of red and pink lips.

Derrik Snell, who works at the tattoo parlor, said Spears showed up without notice and stayed for about 90 minutes as about 60 fans, photographers and gawkers gathered outside.

The appearance came the same day as reports on TV and Web sites that Spears, who has drawn criticism for her recent partying and sloppy behavior, had briefly checked into rehab.

Angelique Uram, a Spears fan who stood on the tattoo parlor's sidewalk for Friday night's spectacle, was aghast at the singer's new look.

"We could see her in the mirror, and her head is completely shaved," she told KABC. "It looks terrible."

Police arrived to control the crowd and helped Spears' bodyguards guide her into a waiting SUV, her head covered by a hooded sweatshirt.

The staff and management of Escape Velocity is torn as to whether Ms. Spears has gone completely nuts, if this is a desperate attempt to get K-Fed back (or if she's found a new pimp), if the rug matches the drapes, and/or if this is how she plans to win custody of the kids. We would just like to say to Britney, "Good luck and thank you."

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