Slouching Through Saturday

Since I have retired I am no respecter of days. They are pretty much all the same. Oh sure, I have Mistress Mondays and I go to the bookstore sometime mid-week but, other than that, every day is pretty much the same.

So, today I'm just going to continue reading Will Durant's History of Civilization, watch some old John Wayne westerns on TV and finish compiling a Valentine playlist for my wife's iPod . . . and fix the countertop in the spare bathroom . . . and exercise . . . and add some labels to some of my older blogs . . . and work on my book . . . and maintenance the hot tub . . . and share some headlines with you . . .


Alburquerque Tops Fittist City List -- ALBURQUERQUE, N.M. - They have the tallest, thinnist skyscrapers! Despite making the coveted Fittist City listing, critics suspect Alburquerque is hiding a dark secret. Skyscraper Bulemia. Every day at 5:30 many downtown buildings are seen to eschew thousands of people. "The restaurants are especially bad after dinner." one New Mexico Legislator has complained. "I currently have a bill before the Senate requiring shorter, wider standards for downtown buildings. Our society has been brought up to think that skyscrapers are glamorous -- but at what cost . . . at what cost?"

When asked what the hell he was talking about he started mumbling something about all the U's and Q's in Alburquerque. "It just isn't natural! And don't even get me started of phonetics."


Engineer: GPS Shoes Make People More Findable -- MIAMI, Fla. - Now if they can only locate that other sock.


Muslim Women Don't Have To Wear Veils: Queen Rania -- ROME, Italy - "That is correct." says Amu-Dabu Wanna Lamma, Chief Cleric for one of those Muslim Mosque thingies. "In fact, they don't have to wear their heads at all."



Head of Cartoon Network Resigns -- ATLANTA, Ga. - Jim Samples, the head of the Cartoon Network resigned Friday following a marketing stunt that caused a security scare in Boston.

When asked for a comment, Mr. Samples replied, "I can't belive I'm getting fired because of those two fucking idiots in Boston! I don't want to go! I've got fucking bills and a mortgage! Stupid, fucking idiots . . . "

A replacement for Samples, who had been with the company for 13 years, was not immediately announced.


No Deal Reached in N. Korea Nuke Talks -- BEIJING, China - Negotiators on North Korea's nuclear programs engaged in intense diplomacy on Saturday but a deal that would see the communist state take its first real steps to disarm remained elusive. Japan's top envoy told reporters that a resolution had yet to be reached, though talks continue on Sunday.

A spokesman for North Korea said, "We would like to thank the Clinton administration for selling us the fissionable material in the form of a nuclear power plant, in the first place. None of this would be possible without them. And, let us say, we are looking foreward to the possibility of another Clinton in the White House. All of the Communists are."


Convicted Child Molester Gets 800 Years -- SAN JOSE, Calif. - The former roommate of one of the nation's most prolific child molesters was sentenced Friday to at least 800 years in prison for sexually abusing three boys.

But with good behaviour, he will be elegible for parole in 2357. The DA in this case was outraged at the lenient sentencing. "I will be there for that hearing. He's NOT getting out early!"

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Current Events

Here are a few headlines that have caught my attention. The headlines are real; the comments are a figment of your imagination. Have some more coffee.

Nazi Hunter Elliot Welles, 79, dies. -- Hmmm . . . I thought these former Nazis were trying to keep a low profile. Nazi hunter . . . he must have been pretty good. You don't hear much about other Nazis. Like Nazi bowlers . . . or Nazi ice sculptors . . . or Nazi plumbers.

Clinton Dogged by "Electability" Questions. -- That's funny. I kinda thought she would be bothered by personal ethics issues; guilt over killing Vince Foster, trying to take over a seventh of the national economy by co-opting our health care system, the life ending and career destroying cover up of Whitewater and, generally, the whole bitch thing. But electability is good, too.

4 Die in Missouri as Temperatures Plunge -- Distraught weather man takes his own life. Note says: "I thought it was going to be cloudy and 47."

Experts Reconstruct Leonardo da Vinci's Fingerprint. -- Authorities close string of 500 year old robberies.

Manila Court Finds U.S. Marine Guilty of Rape -- Trust these people. They make great envelopes.

Study Finds Volunteering at 30 Year High -- Who says we need to raise the minimum wage?

Weight loss Surgery Results in Loss of Woman's Friendship -- You can never get too close to donuts . . . they're fickle. And Big Macs -- forget about it -- they think they own you!

Pfizer Shares Plunge After Cholesterol Drug Fails -- Yeah, but were they the good shares or the bad shares?

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