My Mailman's Penis

Being retired and living in a seasonal resort that is closed seven months a year I tend to punctuate my days by certain activities. I get up at 6:30 to write my blog every day. By 9:00 I am exercising and lunch is usually a big deal. It's usually a salad but it is another milestone in an otherwise empty day. Which brings me to the mail.

We have a bank of mail boxes just outside the gate of the resort. Weather permitting, it is really cool walking out there naked to get my mail. It is close enough to the front gate to lend an air of legitimacy to being there naked but it feels really naughty. I usually check the mail at 1:30 PM.

Late last fall I noticed that I was not getting any mail on Thursdays. I noticed it because of my isolated life punctuated by major events like waking up and lunch. Twice is a coincidence and three times is a pattern.

Now, let me say this: we always get mail. We are stable citizens with bills and correspondence and the usual amount of junk mail. Sure, there are days when we don't get any mail, but it is unusual. Certainly not the norm. So when we stopped getting mail on Thursdays, by the third week I took notice. By the eighth week there was no fucking way.

As you can probably guess, I have a theory. I think my mailman is having an affair and I think Thursdays are the day they get together. Obviously he is doing something to blow off my section of his route that day. (By the way, we get a lot of mail on Fridays.) I doubt he is at a book club at Barnes and Noble on Thursdays and he probably isn't taking scuba diving lessons. He could be an international spy but I doubt Dr. No would be hatching a world threatening plot every Thursday. I also thought he could be adopting a cat from the ASPCA but lamas classes only last three weeks.

All that leaves is dirty, nasty sex with some guy's wife. And Thursday is just far enough into the week for her poor schmuck of a husband to have relaxed again. So that's my theory.

My best friend works for the Post Office, so I asked him if there was anything in the internal workings of the postal service that might account for not getting mail on Thursdays. He said, "No." and that I should check with the local office about the problem.

My problem is that if my theory is correct I don't want to be responsible for ruining his fun. Thursday mail is not that important to me. But if he is just blowing it off to sit down by the lake to feed the ducks or is just having sex with his own wife, his ass should be grass. So I don't know what to do. Do I try to preserve the integrity of the U.S. Postal System or do I honor the sanctity of Guy Stuff.

I have also noticed that about once a month I do get my mail on Thursday. I figure that that is the week SHE is on her period. So it all fits together.

So far I have done nothing. But my curiosity is killing me. I won't say I am obsessed with it, but my sex life has improved thinking about it.

I am writing this on a Sunday morning. We did not get any mail yesterday, too. All I can think is that her husband must be traveling on a business trip or maybe his Mom died.