They Can't Fool Me

Two days ago I did a blog about alien abductions and... probing. Yesterday I did a blog about not being able to come up with an idea for the day before and it almost ended with an alien abduction.

I don't remember writing either of those accounts. In fact I don't remember the last 48 hours. If this were a Monday I wouldn't think anything of it. But it's Thursday! And I don't know where I've been.

I've re-read my last two blogs and they sort of sound like me. I mean, the wit and sophistication are certainly there, but something was missing. Some indefinable quality that normally sets me apart from other great writers. My... essence. It was like watching Sir Richard Burton doing Sir Laurence Olivier doing William Shakespeare. It was all genius -- but slightly off.

I phoned my wife at work and, not wanting to alarm her, I played it cool. I slyly asked some surgically probing questions about the last two days. "Maybe you were abducted." she opined. No help there, I thought.

"Could you take the empty vodka bottles to the dumpster?" she asked. "Yeah, yeah." I said and hung up.

I found a bank deposit receipt, date-stamped yesterday at 1:15 PM. So I rushed to the bank to ask my favorite teller if I was there yesterday. She asked to see some ID. No help there.

On my way back I stopped by a rolling log cabin/lunch wagon, set up in a local gas station parking lot, to get some bar-b-que chicken. The girl inside said, "Hi there, you're becoming a regular! How'd you like the ribs yesterday?" I backed up in confusion and horror. I've never eaten at this lunch wagon in my life! Things began to whirl and I heard a buzzing in my head. It was growing louder. I was so... confused.

As I drove away from the chicken joint I noticed, with shock, the bar-b-que sauce on the back of my shirt sleeves. Until now I had mistaken it for blood. What the hell was going on?

I have a theory. I think I was abducted by aliens two days ago. In order to cover their tracks they erased all of my memories and implanted false memories in my wife, the bank teller, the bar-b-que girl and everyone else who may have encountered me. They also counterfeited the bank receipt, emptied several of my vodka bottles, made a pitiful attempt to capture my genius by faking two of my blogs (even writing about alien abductions to further discredit me if I should talk) and smeared bar-b-que sauce on my shirt sleeves. Then they returned me as if nothing had happened.

But they can't fool me. I know! The threat is real and we must get the message out. "Every one of you listening to my voice. Tell the world. Tell this to everybody wherever they are. Watch the skies. Everywhere. Keep looking. Keep watching the skies."