Career Nite

We had a Career Nite theme at our Saturday night dance, last night. This was something that we've known about for quite a while so, naturally, I waited until Friday to decide on my costume.

What you need to understand about our dances is that, being a nudist resort, it is O.K. and typical for the guests attire to range from corporate casual to nude. And every variation in between. Most of the men prefer shorts and Hawaiian shirts and the women wear either some sexy disco-wear or lingerie. So in a sense, every week in a costume party.

I had a decision to make. What to wear? Being retired from corporate sales gave me two possibilities. I didn't want to do the salesman thing because it would involve too many clothes. And, besides, I turned in my greedy bastard face when I left.

But how do you do the retired thing? Since it was Friday, already, and I didn't have time to get to Florida or Arizona for research, I took a quick ride over to McDonald's and Walmart. Lots of retired people work there. However, it seems I retired much younger than most of those people and I probably couldn't afford the wardrobe. None of my pants can reach halfway to my armpits and I'm afraid doubleknit would chafe there, anyway. Orthopedic shoes seem like they would be expensive. And I never liked having my top shirt button done up.

That didn't leave me with many possibilities. Basically, in the summer time, I am a beach bum in the Pocono mountains. What do they wear? Swim trunks and hiking boots? I could dress as a writer but where do I get leather elbow patches for my Hawaiian shirts at this late date?

Then somebody told me we can dress up as any career. It didn't have to be my own. I could make fun of someone else's career choice! It was out of character for me but I decided to give it a shot.

My first thought was to wear what I always wear (shorts and Hawaiian shirt) but to carry a golf club. I could be a Wednesday afternoon doctor.

I could go naked and be a professional nudist. But then I have to give up my amateur status and probably have to join a union or something.

So I finally decided what to wear. My wife went as a sexy cop. She wore black hot pants, knee high black boots with spiked heels, a patent leather jacket and cop hat, badge, cuffs, etc. She looked great. There were plenty of hookers and strippers and pimps. Some of them even came in costume. We had enough variety to do a revival of the Village People. It looked like the cantina scene from Star Wars.

And me? I wore shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. And a white lab coat with a stethoscope draped over my shoulders. I had a nametag that said LOVE DOCTOR and I was telling everyone I was the Head Groinacologist at the local Vagitarium. And that my colleagues called me The Human Tongue Depressor. It was good for a laugh or three.

I guess I learned two things from this experience. First, it's O.K. to wait until the last minute for inspiration as long as your wife already has you covered. And, at the end of the day, I still don't know what I want to be if I grow up.