Dogs Are Unpatriotic

While I was watching the fireworks the other day I was also watching the people around me. This is an old habit left over from my days as a secret shopper at Frederick's of Hollywood. (I found out later that this was an actual paid position and Frederick's was in on the secret. Knowing that would have saved me and the mall security guys a lot of time and effort.)

But I digress. I'm watching the fireworks -- and looking around, as is my habit. I noticed a number of people brought their dogs with them. Since becoming a nudist I have been nervous around dogs. They have been bred for too many years to fetch sticks and to jump up for hot dogs and bone-like treats to allow me to relax. So I usually try to present the smallest target possible when dogs are present by cupping my hand over my bone-like treat. It doesn't look real cool but I had other uses for it later that evening.

So there I am watching the fireworks, with one eye on the people and their dogs, and looking like a three year old boy that needs to pee when I finally noticed how the dogs were behaving. Every time the night sky would explode in a burst of color and noise the dogs would cower, back up or cringe. Very few of them actually liked the fireworks.

And I thought, "How unpatriotic!"

I never knew dogs were unpatriotic. But it all makes sense, now. We have mis-understood and mis-interpreted dogs for years. We call them Man's Best Friend but women are the ones who always want to go the pet stores at the mall. And there are always women working at the animal shelters every time I've gone. I mean, we haven't even been able to get their sexual preference right.

And have you ever noticed how dogs are constantly denigrating our national symbols? In fact they are known for this behavior. We always think of dogs peeing on fire hydrants and trees. Fire hydrants symbolize the brave men and women who are the first responders in times of local crisis and natural disasters. Trees are symbolic of America's enduring strength. Trees have their own holiday, for God's sake. And these unpatriotic animals are PISSING on these symbols of strength and freedom and courage.

Which leads me to wonder what kind of pets the terrorists have. I picture the terrorists carrying around these little pocket dogs, talking baby talk in Arabic to them. I see little doggie turbans and tiny knitted doggie vests packed with C-4. And I can imagine them sitting on their master's lap as their car bomb vehicle rushes towards some innocent target; big eyes and crazed doggie grins on both the animal's and terrorist's faces alike. Both dreaming of the glory of Allah and the seventeen virgin bitches in heaven.