No DUI's for Me

I have never had a DUI. I've been stopped for speeding, speeding, speeding, cruising through a stop sign, speeding, speeding speeding, turn signal violation, speeding, speeding, running a red light, and did I mention speeding? But never a DUI.

This is because I like driving fast and am usually in a hurry. And I never really started drinking until five or six years ago. I 'm unclear on exactly when because I was hurrying at the time and have been drinking ever since. So it's been five or six... or six and a half... maybe it's FIVE and a half... Well, never mind. It doesn't matter... I guess.

Anyway, being the clear thinker that I am, I've been thinking about how the Kennedy's and the Hilton's and the Baldwin's are slamming into parked cars everywhere and rarely get cited for DUI's. And the reason you know they are up to no good is because they are driving themselves. These people have drivers and limos. They only drive themselves when they slip their handlers to go off on a toot. But being WHO they are usually buys them a pass on the nasty stuff; like the law and taking responsibility for their actions. And their worst case senario is they finally get hauled into court, do a little time in a luxury spa, drying out, and become a poster-boy for a new celebrity cause; so they can throw fund-raiser parties from which everyone can get drunk and drive home.

Living at a nudist resort buffers me from DUI's. Now, I don't normally get falling down drunk, but I'm probably legally impaired most Friday and Saturday nights. One stiff drink will put you over the legal limit. I have several. But, living in a gated resort, I never have to leave after the party. I'm already home! The closest I come to drunk driving is in my golf cart at ten miles per hour.

Then it occurred to me the other day. What was my worst, worst case senario for DUI's? Let's say, for some unknown (drunken) reason, I decided to get in my car and leave the resort while impaired. I'm weaving down the road, breaking for hallucinations; and I get pulled over. I get a ticket. I lose my license and (this is my favorite part) the entire State of Pennsylvania tells me that I cannot leave the nudist resort!

I'll try to muddle through.