Democracy Inaction!

Well, I was there when the polls opened today. I think it was a famous Democrat who once said, "Vote early and vote often." Or maybe it was one of the judges for the Miss Nude America pageant. Whatever.

I have learned two things from being in buildings hosting government run activities. Never make eye contact and wash your hands after you pee in the cup. Especially if they are serving pastries.

One of my personal rules for voting is that I always vote the straight party ticket. That is because I think the worst Republican is always better than the best Democrat. If I were a Democrat I would think that the worst Democrat would always be better than the best Republican. The reason for this is that, no matter how much you like and trust the odd member of the opposition party, they will, more often than not, align themselves with their own party's agenda on the big votes and big issues. You know, the ones that made you become either a Republican or a Democrat in the first place. So by voting for the "good ol' boy" that you know or like from the opposition is the same as giving away your vote on the hot button issues.

Another of my personal rules for voting is to actually vote. I developed this rule after years of watching TV. No, not the political ads or the Public Service Announcements. I'm talking about the Neilson ratings. I learned a long time ago that demographically, whatever I do, about 495,000 other people think and do the same thing. I am part of a demographical statistical grouping. And the quickest way I know of to get a TV show cancelled is to tape it while I watch another one live. That's why I have a bank of four TV's in my living room; each one with picture in picture. I feel like a Bond villain when I'm watching TV. . . Sooooo, I figure if I don't vote or if I vote stupidly, about 495,000 other people are going to do the same thing. (Or am I doing what I'm doing because someone else is the Alpha Male of the statistical, demographical group?) Whoa, that's deep, man.

I like to vote early, also, because when I watch the early results I know they are talking about me. It's almost as good as running for office, myself.

There you have it. A blueprint for Democracy.

• Vote early
• Vote often
• Vote a straight party ticket
• Never make eye contact
• Wash your hands after voting
• Watch plenty of TV
• Don't fuck up your statistical, demographical grouping
• And get some rest -- the 2008 campaign season starts tomorrow

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