Can't We Just All Get Along?

DEAR GABBY,

I found out yesterday that a bunch of my friends are losers. Or everyone thinks they are, anyway. Well, the thing is, see, they lost. Now . . . these other guys, the friends of the not losers (I can't bring myself to call them winners) are going to start acting all smug and stuff. And I was wondering, is it OK to still call them "boogerbrains" and how deep should I dig the hole to avoid detection by the methane probes?

signed: PERTURBED IN PENNSYLVANIA


DEAR PERTURBED,

Not losing doesn't make a person a winner but not winning sucks. It might be best, for the time being, not to call the friends of the not losers "boogerbrains" to their faces but I don't see any reason not to refer to the friends of the not losers as "boogerbrains" when talking about them with your other friends of the not winners. Six feet but use plastic sheeting and duct tape.

signed: GABBY

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Democracy Inaction!

Well, I was there when the polls opened today. I think it was a famous Democrat who once said, "Vote early and vote often." Or maybe it was one of the judges for the Miss Nude America pageant. Whatever.

I have learned two things from being in buildings hosting government run activities. Never make eye contact and wash your hands after you pee in the cup. Especially if they are serving pastries.

One of my personal rules for voting is that I always vote the straight party ticket. That is because I think the worst Republican is always better than the best Democrat. If I were a Democrat I would think that the worst Democrat would always be better than the best Republican. The reason for this is that, no matter how much you like and trust the odd member of the opposition party, they will, more often than not, align themselves with their own party's agenda on the big votes and big issues. You know, the ones that made you become either a Republican or a Democrat in the first place. So by voting for the "good ol' boy" that you know or like from the opposition is the same as giving away your vote on the hot button issues.

Another of my personal rules for voting is to actually vote. I developed this rule after years of watching TV. No, not the political ads or the Public Service Announcements. I'm talking about the Neilson ratings. I learned a long time ago that demographically, whatever I do, about 495,000 other people think and do the same thing. I am part of a demographical statistical grouping. And the quickest way I know of to get a TV show cancelled is to tape it while I watch another one live. That's why I have a bank of four TV's in my living room; each one with picture in picture. I feel like a Bond villain when I'm watching TV. . . Sooooo, I figure if I don't vote or if I vote stupidly, about 495,000 other people are going to do the same thing. (Or am I doing what I'm doing because someone else is the Alpha Male of the statistical, demographical group?) Whoa, that's deep, man.

I like to vote early, also, because when I watch the early results I know they are talking about me. It's almost as good as running for office, myself.

There you have it. A blueprint for Democracy.

• Vote early
• Vote often
• Vote a straight party ticket
• Never make eye contact
• Wash your hands after voting
• Watch plenty of TV
• Don't fuck up your statistical, demographical grouping
• And get some rest -- the 2008 campaign season starts tomorrow

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An Apology

I made a mistake. I was attempting satire in my previous posting about John Kerry but it was a botched attempt. Anyone with any understanding -- you know who I mean -- would know that my wording, and possibly my usage of words, were clearly to blame. I never meant any insult to liars and cowards and my comments were a botched attempt to denigrate Mr. Kerry. But not his office, which I deeply respect.

I do not want to become the issue or the focal point, as it were, in this very divisive campaign. It is more important that the message gets out. And I am willing to let that part remain a little vague because, since I now have all the media attention, that message, if there was one, would get lost anyway. It is therefore much better for the country and this campaign that I remove myself from an area where I should not have been in the first place and have all the media coverage follow me for the next several days than it would be for me to remain a distraction to the more important issues, whatever they are, back there with the candidates.

What I meant to say was: "John Kerry is a liar and a coward -- just ask John Kerry."

I hope this clears everything up . . . no, seriously . . . I, uh . . . I'm . . . um . . . I'm sorry.

John Kerry is a Liar and a Coward

What war does John Kerry think we are fighting? In fact, what year does he think it is? He has been in the headlines recently for telling a group of California students on Monday that those unable to navigate this country's education system "get stuck in Iraq".

Naturally, the White House demanded an apology from Kerry for "troop bashing" saying, "The members of the United States Military are plenty smart and they are plenty brave . . ."

What strikes me about Kerry's comments is the 60's mindset. Back then we had a military draft. It was possible to get a draft deferment while you were in college. That system was geared to taking the lower income and less educated young men first; those who could not afford a college education or those who did not have the aptitude for higher education.

We do not have a military draft today, Mr. Kerry. All of the brave men and women serving in the Armed Forces today are there because they are proud to serve their country and they understand what sacrifice and selflessness is. And you are trying to turn their sacrifice and their deaths into something dirty for your own shameful political ends.

Everyone knows how you, Mr. Kerry, "served" your country. Another of the rules back then was that you could get shipped home from Viet Nam after being wounded three times. We all know how you promoted minor injuries (that any brave soldier would have shaken off) as qualifying wounds and how you actually initiated the paperwork yourself, a job normally left to a superior officer. And we still remember how you came home and launched a political career protesting and jeering the sacrifice of your fallen comrades. How you lied about troop misbehavior to gain favor with your liberal friends. It is difficult to forget such cowardice under fire.

Today, there is no "navigating" necessary to avoid military service. Those who do not choose to serve do not have to. Those who choose to serve do so proudly. People like you have no right to criticize their patriotism or their sacrifice or their choices.

Freedom has always been paid for with blood. We are at war and your comments, Mr. Kerry, are giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Your shameful behavior in the past and your shameless rhetoric of the present indicate a person devoid of character and unworthy of consideration. You had to lie in the past to make your specious points and you are lying today with your inflammatory comments.

You are constantly accusing the president of lying and publicly demanding that he "come clean." Well, another thing that everyone knows about liberals is that you are always guilty of the behavior you are decrying the most. It is called a diversionary tactic and you aren't fooling any one.

I heard a good analogy in a TV show called The Unit. While questioning the appropriateness of a group of war protesters she said something like this, "You wouldn't yell at or denounce a group of firemen going to put out a fire, would you? Well, our troops are trying to put out another fire. A fire that seeks to destroy our homes, our families and our way of life. They are bravely facing the flames of terrorism, daily, so that you can be safe in your homes. They are just doing their jobs."

And, apparently, Mr. Kerry's job is mis-information. He is acting as point man for all of the cowards and traitors who would criticize our troops during a time of war. Fortunately, he isn't making any more sense now than he did back then. And only fools believe him.

Opinions! . . . What Opinions?

I have spent a lot of time inside my head recently. Wandering down endless corridors with an infinite number of doors to an infinite number of rooms. Most of them were locked.

They had signs on them that said things like: Someone Else's Opinion and Under Consideration. One locked door said: Liberals I Would Vote For. That door was locked, the hinges were rusted and I had to use my sleeve to clean the cobwebs from the frosted glass just to read the sign.

There were a few doors that appeared to be unlocked but only moved a few inches before becoming stuck. They had signs that said things like: News Outlets I Respect and Currently Working Actors I Admire. They were right next to another stuck door that said Currently Working Actresses That I Recognize.

Some of the doors, however, were wide open. A couple were just big openings into cave-like walls and had labels such as: Things I Find Funny and People I Don't Like. There were other unlocked doors with well oiled hinges that had signs declaring: Reasons Why Global Warming Is A Crock and Black & White Movies I Love.

Every now and then I would turn a corner and find a row of little, tiny doors. I would get down on my hands and knees, kneeling in the dust, and squint at the teeny, tiny lettering until I made out the inscriptions: Opinion Of Tom Cruise and Reasons To Care What Oprah Thinks.

But the thing that scared me the most was an entire section of halls and corridors blocked by a velvet rope with a placard that read: Reserved For Future Occupant.

More BS From B.S.

The following AP news story ran on the Internet yesterday:

Streisand has outburst at NYC concert

The most riveting moment of Barbra Streisand's Madison Square Garden concert was one of the only unscripted ones. Streisand endured jeers as she interjected a political skit into Monday night's show, exchanging zingers with a celebrity impersonator playing George Bush as a bumbling idiot.

Though most of the crowd offered polite applause during the slightly humorous routine, it went on a bit too long, especially for those who just wanted to hear Streisand sing.

"Come on, be polite!" the well-known liberal implored. But one heckler wouldn't let up. And finally, Streisand let him have it.

"Shut the (expletive) up!" Streisand bellowed, drawing wild applause. "Shut up if you can't take a joke!"

With that one F-word, the jeers ended. And the message was delivered -- no one gets away with trying to upstage Barbra Streisand, especially in her hometown.

You know, you won't hear me say this very often, but I agree with Barbra Streisand.

It is totally rude to continuously heckle someone when they are trying to do their job. Sure, the odd too-loud negative comment or even a direct cat-call or insult might be acceptable. But to keep it going, to constantly harangue and interrupt and try to disrupt and throw a person off stride in hopes of making them look bad -- is just wrong.

So I agree with Barbra Streisand. President Bush is just trying to do his job and all of the poor sport, liberal losers should just sit down and "shut the fuck up!"

And that goes double for Barbra Streisand.