Today I want to talk about sex and panda bears. While we were visiting our son's over Thanksgiving someone mentioned teddy bears. Which got me to thinking about regular bears and that, in turn, got me to thinking about panda bears. For my own amusement and much to the annoyance of others, I did most of this out loud.
Eventually I got to the heart of the matter. Have you ever noticed that when ever panda bears are in the news it involves sex? Are they really that good or do they share a press agent with Tom Cruise? All of the stories about them are about their mating or inability to mate. Or sometimes about giving birth which I am pretty sure involves a sex component (Although after nine months who even remembers. Women talk about postpartum blues -- men should talk about post conception blues.). But with these bears, it is always about sex.
Most of the stories center around the panda bears not mating. The thing is, if the bears are paying attention, they can't help but know everyone is watching. Who can perform under those conditions? Hell, I can't even pee if someone is standing at the next urinal. The entire free world is watching with baited breath (whatever the hell that means) and the Internet is poised to erupt into a dis-information and mis-information frenzy the moment either bear reaches for the K-Y. The San Diego Zoo has a sign that says "Please Do Not Give Condoms To The Panda Bears".
So I thought, wouldn't it be funny to provide the male panda bears with a little panda porn. You know, just to get them going? And I got on a roll, here. I started speculating what pandas would find sexy or erotic. Would the girl bears wear see through lingerie? Or dress like French maids or Catholic school girls? And considering that they have hair everywhere, would they shave? And if so, what? If bears do it doggy style, do they give dogs credit for that position the way people do or have they named it after another species -- like koala style?
So, I had a good laugh about that and everyone else seemed to enjoy watching me laugh, and I thought that was the end of it. The very next morning, this headline was in the paper: Panda Porn Helps Spark Birthing Boom in Captive Breed. I'm not kidding. I had that conversation and THEN the headline came out.
I just wanted you to know how cutting edge we are here at Escape Velocity. Where our motto is: Yesterday's News Tomorrow! and, unlike pandas, we have no performance issues.
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