The Panda Porn Prognosticator

Today I want to talk about sex and panda bears. While we were visiting our son's over Thanksgiving someone mentioned teddy bears. Which got me to thinking about regular bears and that, in turn, got me to thinking about panda bears. For my own amusement and much to the annoyance of others, I did most of this out loud.

Eventually I got to the heart of the matter. Have you ever noticed that when ever panda bears are in the news it involves sex? Are they really that good or do they share a press agent with Tom Cruise? All of the stories about them are about their mating or inability to mate. Or sometimes about giving birth which I am pretty sure involves a sex component (Although after nine months who even remembers. Women talk about postpartum blues -- men should talk about post conception blues.). But with these bears, it is always about sex.

Most of the stories center around the panda bears not mating. The thing is, if the bears are paying attention, they can't help but know everyone is watching. Who can perform under those conditions? Hell, I can't even pee if someone is standing at the next urinal. The entire free world is watching with baited breath (whatever the hell that means) and the Internet is poised to erupt into a dis-information and mis-information frenzy the moment either bear reaches for the K-Y. The San Diego Zoo has a sign that says "Please Do Not Give Condoms To The Panda Bears".

So I thought, wouldn't it be funny to provide the male panda bears with a little panda porn. You know, just to get them going? And I got on a roll, here. I started speculating what pandas would find sexy or erotic. Would the girl bears wear see through lingerie? Or dress like French maids or Catholic school girls? And considering that they have hair everywhere, would they shave? And if so, what? If bears do it doggy style, do they give dogs credit for that position the way people do or have they named it after another species -- like koala style?

So, I had a good laugh about that and everyone else seemed to enjoy watching me laugh, and I thought that was the end of it. The very next morning, this headline was in the paper: Panda Porn Helps Spark Birthing Boom in Captive Breed. I'm not kidding. I had that conversation and THEN the headline came out.

I just wanted you to know how cutting edge we are here at Escape Velocity. Where our motto is: Yesterday's News Tomorrow! and, unlike pandas, we have no performance issues.

.

Out of the Closet

I was reading with vapid interest the other day that Elton John thinks all religion should be banned. I guess he finds God's rules against sodomy inconvenient to his lifestyle. So, in order to live his life in a manner consistent with his own moral and ethical code, you know, according to his beliefs, everyone else in the world should be denied their belief system.

It was interesting that Sir John was not specifically bashing Christianity for a change, however. He seemed to be bashing religion in general. I guess this is because of all of the liberal assholes who have infiltrated and have corrupted the Western religions; the various branches of Christianity that have accepted gay unions, marriages and clergy. These liberal churches are probably where he plans on marrying his queer lover. I may not like the Eastern religions with their bomb throwing zealots, but at least they stay true to the tenants of their faiths.

Elton John said that religion promotes hatred and spite of gays. Again, why should every group have to accept everybody or anybody that does things contrary to the founding principals of the group? Why is it not a good thing to stay true to yourself? Isn't that what these sodomites want for themselves? And why is intolerance such a bad thing? Why should we have to tolerate bad behavior or things which we find personally offensive? If everyone is going to stand up on a soapbox and shout about their rights and their thin skins because someone utters a politically incorrect comment, why can't truth and decency have a voice too?

We have been taught by TV and our media culture that Gays are that quirky fellow next door. They dress better and have a high sense for decoration. They are sometimes flamboyant but are always gentle souls. All of this dis-information causes well meaning straight people to stand up for gay "rights"

The truth of the matter is that they are degenerate deviants. They are corrupting our society and culture like a cancer. They may be well dressed gourmands but they are also butt-fucking, cock-suckers who are so perverse as to have anonymous sex through holes in men's room walls. They prey on young boys, hoping to turn them to their sick lifestyle and there is NOTHING funny about them.

I am sick and tired of having to pretend that there is nothing wrong with being gay. I am beyond caring whether I offend someone with my honest opinion. No one seems to care if I am offended by their obscene lifestyle. So I am coming out of the closet of fake tolerance and am declaring myself anti-gay. Not homophobic. I do not fear these degenerates. They disgust me.

So Sir Elton John can take his criticism of religion and cram it. I'm sure it will be a familiar feeling.