Designated Adult

First let me say that you need not expect the quick satirical wit which you normally find here in this hallowed blog. I am not John. My name is Danny, a close and long time friend of John's and I will be your guest blogger for the day. With this being said PLEASE -"all anal retentives"- do not call or send emails trying to correct my spelling, structure and/or grammar. This is a blog - not a writing assignment.

The reason I am writing today is that John is --- well --- incapacitated. In all honesty he had too much of a good time last night and his present condition does not make him able to perform his normal blogging duties. Hell, he'd be lucky to find the computer let alone write. You see there was a party last night and John and Nina took this oppurtunity to celebrate their 34th wedding anniversary. They knew this ahead of time and being responsible adults they asked if I would make sure they got home in one piece. In other words "During the party would you mind not getting to soused so you can drive us and our car one mile to our house without killing us all?"

What could I say. They are two of my dearest friends and they would do the same for me or so John claims. But I agreed to be on my best behavior and green tea ice tea was my drink of the night. The following statements are facts and I'll let you know right now that no human, animal or piece of plant life was harmed in any way during the events that followed --- although certain nocturnal beasts may have second thoughts about being in the vicinity of John's house from now on.

As it turned out John and Nina made good on their promise. At this point you are probably wondering why I didn't name this blog Designated Driver. Well I found out that driving the vehicle is only a small portion of the duties involved with the job.

As we were preparing to leave the party I had to first collect all the loose items that were brought to help John and Nina achieve the inability to drive. I then had to gather up John and Nina. John was still able to walk a relatively striaght line if not staggering while he did it but Nina had to be -- hmm -- assisted in making it to the exit.

After propping Nina against the wall I went to find the car. John had dropped off Nina and I before the party because it was raining. He then drove off to find the most remote location to park - making sure there were no lights within a hundred feet. This may truely give you an idea of just how sick John is.

After finding said car I had to figure out which one of the keys would unlock the door. Oh - did I mention it was raining. Have you ever had the thrill of trying to pick the right key in total darkness while a fine drenching rain is coming down.

Next I drove up to the club and prayed that I could work the electric door locks correctly so John and Nina would not have to stand outside in the rain. I didn't want to witness two people wondering why they had lost the ability to open a door and there is nothing worse than a wet drunk.

After they had poured into their transportation Nina started to cry uncontrollably. Apparently she was upset with being blitzed out of her mind. This had a somewhat disturbing affect on her husband. He started laughing!!! Not small semi-quiet chuckles. No. It was loud and long and constant. A typical ROFL.

The crying and corresponding laughing continued until we arrived home. At this point my job description changed to goat herder. As I was helping Nina get out of the car and keeping her from greeting the ground with her face John decided it was a great time to start wandering down the street away from his house laughing the whole time. Once I had reined him in we were able to get into the house. John managed to find his own way to the bedroom leaving a trail of debris and clothes in his wake. I got Nina to the bedroom and as gently as possible put her in for the night. I don't think she would have cared or felt anything if I had drop kicked her there.

With both of them now tucked in I returned to the living room to sit and contemplate my agreeing to take on the title of Designated Adult. They are my friends. They have given me many a good time. They have been a part of my life for more years than I care to remember. They can never be replaced. Listening to the fading sobs and muffled chortles I decided that if my friends ever were in need my services again ---- I'd find another party.