Well, I donned the old tights and cape again. It has been over ten years since the world has seen(?) Captain Inexplicable. But since I have the power to cloud men's minds, I'm the only one who knows that.
As a super-power, the ability to cloud men's minds is a pretty cool one. But it takes the heart of a true super hero to not use it for evil. I could use it for all kinds of things and, I must confess, that before I completely understood my powers and my great responsibility to use them for good, I did experiment with them. But this was back in the 70's and all the super heroes were doing it.
I used to tell girls that I was The Green Lantern's cousin on his father's side. Man, that line worked every time! I got more proximity nookie than a rock star's brother. I can only imagine the babes he was taking back to the . . . Cave? . . . Fortress? . . . What the hell do you call a giant emerald colored lantern, that only you can see, that you can plug into as a source of infinite will power, that is a portal to alien dimensions and is your secret hide out? The Socket? Well, I never really knew the guy. I just told the chicks I did.
I also used to use my power to get discounts. I would have dinner in a fine restaurant -- like Denny's or Eat and Park -- and inexplicably, the waitress would believe I had paid the bill and left a large tip. I even got their phone numbers sometimes. And I didn't have to sneak in the back door of movie theaters. I could just walk right in, collect my complimentary popcorn and ju-ju-bees, and see the movie of my choice. Of course, The Flash would already be there with his feet up. (He was always early everywhere he went.) The Elongated Man had slipped in under the door again and if Batman showed up we never knew it.
But as I matured I began to take my powers more seriously. It wasn't all fun and games and the 80's weren't a good time for super heroes. Wonder Woman began to put on a little weight and suddenly spandex was no longer her friend. Aquaman lost the election in Atlantis and ended up living in a fish tank in Jersey City. And Robin finally came out of the closet. (Like everyone didn't know already.) Ironically, it caught The Dark Knight totally by surprise.
So I kept catching the bad guys by convincing them the paddy wagon was the get-away van and shit like that. But the crooks started wising up and I wound up selling used cars to people who wanted to think they were driving Hummers. Eventually even that stopped being funny.
And it is harder to cloud men's minds now-a-days. Between the politicians, and the global warming crowd, and the news media the competition is pretty tough. But as I said, I did don the tights and cape again, yesterday.
My wife got home from that business trip and I must have overdosed on black and white movies, circus peanuts and adult beverages because the next thing I knew she was walking up the sidewalk and the house was a mess. So I quick changed into my costume (which isn't easy with spandex tights) and by the time she walked through the front door, she believed the house was spotless and that the air was Glade fresh.
It's not easy being a retired super hero. But it is good to know that Captain Inexplicable still has a few moves left.
BTW, the sex was incredible that night . . . as far as she knows.
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