Everybody knows that Barry Bonds is in the record books already for being a seven-time MPV with the S. F. Giants and owns the single season home run record. He's also the 4th person to break the 700+ career home run record, beating Willie Mays and is just a few homers shy of Babe Ruth and less than 50 away from Hank Aaron's ultimate record.
He's also the guy with the giant asterisk stuck up his ass.
It used to be that an asterisk denoted a special circumstance that said, "Sure, he beat the old record, technically." ...But he took longer to do it, ...Or they have better equipment or training now, ...Or, ...Or, ...Or. Barry Bonds' asterisk will be for using steroids to achieve his records.
But all of this got me to thinking about something else. Domestic Records with an Asterisk. Take the coffee cup on my desk that says WORLD'S GREATEST DAD* That would be pretty impressive if it wasn't for the asterisk which said: (*Retailers - Save more and buy by the gross.) You mean I'm not the world's greatest dad?
My wife gave me a trophy loving cup a while back with an inscription on it that said WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER* Suddenly I needed to know what the asterisk was for and on the bottom it said: (*of fresh roasted peanuts) What the hell?
Now I was rushing around the house looking (I mean REALLY LOOKING) at all my mugs, trophies and plaques. Every one of them has an asterisk!
- WORLD'S BEST HUSBAND* (*for a Polish guy)
- WORLD'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE* (*at 355 Sunny Rest Drive)
- WORLD'S GREATEST CHEF* (*if burnt is a food group)
- WORLD'S GREATEST ATHLETE* (*for the bathroom-to-'fridge-to-couch during a commercial tri-athlon)
- WORLD'S TALLEST MIDGET (where did that come from?)
- WORLDS BEST DRIVER* (* if you like my driving you ought to see me putt)
- WORLD'S GREATEST WRITER* (*apparently cursive is a talent now)
So, where does all of this leave me? Was my whole career, my whole life, a sham? If all of my records are meaningless - then what was the point? All of my training and sacrifice, the clandestine meetings to buy gym bags full of steroids, letting all of my shirts out, the shrunken testicles? Why did I go through it? It wasn't for the millions of dollars, the blind adulation of the fans, the product endorsements or even my trophy wife, was it?...
...Sorry about that, I was channeling Barry Bonds there for a second. I guess I knew all along I wasn't really the WORLD'S GREATEST anything. I mean that's a LOT of people to beat out in any ONE category! And I suppose I can live with that. After all, I have people in my life who love me enough to want to make me feel good, even if it is with a fake trophy. Right?
That leaves me with just one more question. When I was channeling Barry Bonds and I saw his trophy wife, was that a birthmark on her ass or an asterisk?
1 comment:
All of the trophies that I have ever seen are usually either cups, statues or something that is stuffed and mounted. If you have a trophy wife and are a swinger does that mean that she is also stuffed and mounted or does it mean that she is first mounted and then stuffed?
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