Tidbits and Sperm Samples

Flames Engulf Indonesian Jet, Killing 21 -- YOGYAKARTA, Indonesia - A packed jetliner crash-landed and erupted in flames Wednesday, killing at least 21 people trapped inside the burning wreckage. More than 115 others escaped through emergency exits as black smoke billowed behind them, authorities and witnesses said.

Fire crews could have saved more lives but they were delayed putting out a nearby cow fire. The cows, considered sacred by most Indonesi-ites, could not be reached for comment but are rumored to have been spotted in a nearby black market at $1.99 a pound.


The Daylight Savings Time Bug -- SOMEWHERE IN THE DENUSIAN TIMESTREAM - It seems that all of the pointy head geek-wads are all excited again. Apparently, the early return to Daylight Savings Time (DST) is throwing their tech gadgetry into a tailspin. From computers, to . . . well . . . other computers and stuff, things will not register the correct time.

"This could have disastrous results." says Milo Rastopovich. "Air travel could be delayed, the Stock Market could be volatile, cheating spouses could miss their assignations and be cranky for the rest of the week."

Escape Velocity asked Mr. Rastopovich what could be done in time to divert a disaster of Y2K proportions. "Well, this weekend, on Sunday night going into Monday morning, at 2 AM, you could set your clocks forward one hour."

"That's it?"

"Well, you'd have to do it for your computer and the VCR and the microwave and . . . "

"We do most of this stuff, anyway. This is just three weeks early. What's the big deal?"

"Well, the computer stuff . . . you'd have to do it manually."

"Is that difficult?"

"Well . . . no."

"There you have it, folks, another eight hours of prep time, travel, interviewing, more travel and post-editing time wasted on a nothing story about how we are all going to lose an hour, three weeks early!"

Is this thing off? Good God! What a stupid fluff piece. When am I going to get some meaty news? I spent four years at the Julliard School of Announcacology for this? Setting the clocks ahead three weeks early? G'me a break! So what if most of the pre-programed computers and clocks in the world won't automatically change for another three weeks? So what if there is an hour that will be lost and not recorded by most records and devices? . . . so what if I hate my boss and want him dead? . . . so what if it will be impossible to establish the exact time anything happened during those three weeks because of the confusion? . . . so what if I can use that missing hour to get rid of him once and for all . . . and set up a perfect alibi for the hour before and after . . . and no one would ever suspect . . . so what? . . .

Hey, Joe! I'll catch up with you later. I have to ask the Clock Guy how something works. Yeah. See you later.


Off-duty Northwest Employee Charged -- MINNEAPOLIS - An off-duty Northwest Airlines employee was arrested after a woman on a flight from Seattle complained that the man had ejaculated on her.

The FBI identified the man as Samuel Oscar Gonzalez, 20, of Lakewood, Wash. He was charged in federal court with simple assault, a misdemeanor.

According to an affidavit filed with the complaint, the woman said she was trying to sleep in her seat when the man sat down in an empty seat next to her. She said he touched her, and then got up and left. She then realized what had happened, and told flight attendants, according to the affidavit.

Eeeewwwww! I can just see the trial -- "And, Mr. Gonzalaz, could you please show the jury exactly how you grip your penis when you masturbate? Thank you. Your Honor, I would like the record to show (while my client continues to crank one off) that Mr. Gonzalez is RIGHT-handed and, given the confines of the seating on this particular jet, it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to have ejaculated on this woman if she was seated to his right, as she has already testified! . . . I would like to have the previous witness's testimony stricken, have the bailiff clean up this mess and have it marked as Exhibit #68."

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