Dead Baby Photo Shoot

I read a recent Dear Abby letter that piqued my interest.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of my friends at work. We have a co-worker, "Madge," who had a stillborn baby last year. It was tragic. Our problem is, she keeps a photo of the deceased infant with its little eyes sewn shut on her desk in plain view, so that if we must interact with her (we have an open cubicle layout) we have to see it.

Is this appropriate? Ninety percent of the employees here are women. Most are appalled. Others say, "Well, it's all she has." -- APPALLED IN THE MIDWEST

This letter got me to wondering about what else was going on in Madge's life, so Escape Velocity has sent out it's reporting team of rovers to sniff out the truth.


On a bookshelf in another part of Madge's cubicle is a picture of her dead husband. In it, the corpse is posed in a chaise lounge chair next to the pool, holding a cigar between his otherwise stitched together lips, a drink is on the table next to him. There is a comic book open on his lap.

In another photo, she is "helping" the dead baby walk; it's little hands in hers, it's little feet on the floor, it's little chin on it's chest. And Madge seems happy enough in the picture or at least she has some sort of mad grin on her face.

Elsewhere, our cracked team of reporters broke into her house, pretending to be home invaders, so as not to arouse the neighbors in this predominantly cowardly neighborhood.

Inside were two dead women, presumably a mother and maiden aunt, sitting (or posed) at the dining room table having high tea. This was so wrong on so many levels, including that it was only 9:45 AM and high tea clearly does not start until around 6 PM and includes a meal.

In the living room was a stuffed dog laying in front of the fireplace. Ironically, the fire was dead. At various other places throughout the room, including basking in the sun on a window sill, were several dead cats.

Our team quietly backed out of the house, backed the car out of the driveway and backed the whole way to Escape Velocity's Carribean Headquarters. Unfortunately, they work out of the Chicago office.

I thought I would take a shot at answering the letter for ABBY. I didn't think she would mind because she, too, is dead and her daughter (I think her name is Lorna Luft) is still answering her mail.

DEAR APPALLED IN THE MIDWEST: There is an old saying that tells us to "let the dead bury the dead." I'm not sure how practical that advice is but I'm pretty sure that Madge would pay for pictures of it. But seriously, don't you think you should mind your own business before Madge starts mentally framing you for her next photo shoot? But seriously, seriously, if you have any company parties you should smell her dip before you eat it. Seriously. -- ESCAPE VELOCITY

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