So THAT'S What They Meant!

Today's batch of headlines were just asking for it -- so don't blame me!


Scientists Try to Predict Intentions -- BERLIN - At a laboratory in Germany, volunteers slide into a donut-shaped MRI machine and perform simple tasks, such as deciding whether to add or subtract two numbers, or choosing which of two buttons to press. They have no inkling that scientists in the next room are trying to read their minds — using a brain scan to figure out their intention before it is turned into action.

When asked why they were conducting these experiments, the two former weathermen, both agreed that "they just wanted to get something right for a change." When pressed as to why they were trying to predict "intentions" Sonny Daze replied, "We thought we'd start out with something easy -- like what women are thinking."

Both men were at the bottom of their class at the Billy Carter Community College and Screen Door Company. Which, coincidentally, is what qualified them to be weathermen in the first place.


Mariah Carey Films Scenes Around Tennessee -- NASHVILLE, Tenn. - It seems that Mariah used to date Tennessee and feels "uncomfortable" making a movie with the state. So, according to director Hildalgo Nefesterbruttom, "We are trying to keep Mariah and Tennessee out of the same room at the same time. We are using stand-ins wherever possible (West Virginia for Tennessee and a blow-up doll for Mariah). We actually filmed one scene with West Virginia and the blow-up doll together and it tested quite well."

Miss Carey"s publicist denies there is a problem with Tennessee and said that Mariah and the state are "just friends". The Tennessee Department of Tourism would not return our calls.


Cops Hope Tattoo Will Help ID Washed-up Torso -- NEW YORK, N.Y. - Police hope a cherry tattoo will help identify a woman whose torso was found on a New York Beach.

Manny "The Man" Mankowski, prominent local tattoo artist, told police that he could tattoo the corpse but he didn't see how that would help identify her. "Usually they do it the other way around." he said.


Scientists Discover 'Natural Barrier' to HIV -- SCIENCE-OPOLIS, Finland - It is called gay-dar. Gay-dar is a natural defence mechanism that keeps men from putting their penis into other men. We call it the "yeccccchh!" factor. "We have found that men who never butt-fucked other men have a significantly lower risk of HIV and are not prone to random acts of room decoration. Whereas the men without gay-dar will probably die a horrible death in a nicely appointed room."


Teens Accused of Making Ostrich Impotent -- BERLIN - Three teenagers may be on the hook for a hefty fine if the court finds them responsible for scaring the libido right out of an ostrich named Gustav.

According to his lawsuit, the farmer claims that the boys made the previously lustful Gustav both apathetic and depressed, and thus unable to perform with his breeding partner.

"All we did was ask Gustav to rate his performance after sex -- every single time. And then we would randomly interrupt him during sex to ask him what he was thinking." the boys explained in court. "We used to hear Mom do that with Dad lots of times . . . but not so much any more."

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