Slouching Through Saturday

Since I have retired I am no respecter of days. They are pretty much all the same. Oh sure, I have Mistress Mondays and I go to the bookstore sometime mid-week but, other than that, every day is pretty much the same.

So, today I'm just going to continue reading Will Durant's History of Civilization, watch some old John Wayne westerns on TV and finish compiling a Valentine playlist for my wife's iPod . . . and fix the countertop in the spare bathroom . . . and exercise . . . and add some labels to some of my older blogs . . . and work on my book . . . and maintenance the hot tub . . . and share some headlines with you . . .


Alburquerque Tops Fittist City List -- ALBURQUERQUE, N.M. - They have the tallest, thinnist skyscrapers! Despite making the coveted Fittist City listing, critics suspect Alburquerque is hiding a dark secret. Skyscraper Bulemia. Every day at 5:30 many downtown buildings are seen to eschew thousands of people. "The restaurants are especially bad after dinner." one New Mexico Legislator has complained. "I currently have a bill before the Senate requiring shorter, wider standards for downtown buildings. Our society has been brought up to think that skyscrapers are glamorous -- but at what cost . . . at what cost?"

When asked what the hell he was talking about he started mumbling something about all the U's and Q's in Alburquerque. "It just isn't natural! And don't even get me started of phonetics."


Engineer: GPS Shoes Make People More Findable -- MIAMI, Fla. - Now if they can only locate that other sock.


Muslim Women Don't Have To Wear Veils: Queen Rania -- ROME, Italy - "That is correct." says Amu-Dabu Wanna Lamma, Chief Cleric for one of those Muslim Mosque thingies. "In fact, they don't have to wear their heads at all."



Head of Cartoon Network Resigns -- ATLANTA, Ga. - Jim Samples, the head of the Cartoon Network resigned Friday following a marketing stunt that caused a security scare in Boston.

When asked for a comment, Mr. Samples replied, "I can't belive I'm getting fired because of those two fucking idiots in Boston! I don't want to go! I've got fucking bills and a mortgage! Stupid, fucking idiots . . . "

A replacement for Samples, who had been with the company for 13 years, was not immediately announced.


No Deal Reached in N. Korea Nuke Talks -- BEIJING, China - Negotiators on North Korea's nuclear programs engaged in intense diplomacy on Saturday but a deal that would see the communist state take its first real steps to disarm remained elusive. Japan's top envoy told reporters that a resolution had yet to be reached, though talks continue on Sunday.

A spokesman for North Korea said, "We would like to thank the Clinton administration for selling us the fissionable material in the form of a nuclear power plant, in the first place. None of this would be possible without them. And, let us say, we are looking foreward to the possibility of another Clinton in the White House. All of the Communists are."


Convicted Child Molester Gets 800 Years -- SAN JOSE, Calif. - The former roommate of one of the nation's most prolific child molesters was sentenced Friday to at least 800 years in prison for sexually abusing three boys.

But with good behaviour, he will be elegible for parole in 2357. The DA in this case was outraged at the lenient sentencing. "I will be there for that hearing. He's NOT getting out early!"

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Today's Word is "tedium"

I'm having a little trouble with this retirement thing. Maybe because I feel like I'm still too young to retire or maybe I feel like I am trapped in a repetitive lifestyle.

I spend my days keeping busy. Hell, I have enough stuff to do to last several lifetimes. I don't think it is the days I am complaining about. I think it is the people I have surrounded myself with. And I'm not quite sure what I mean be that, even. It's just that everything I do is the same. Every time I do it. Let me give you an example.

I went to a house party last night. It was hosted by nice people and all of the neighbors and summer regulars from the resort attended. There was plenty of good food, the music was tasteful and appropriately in the background, the small talk was pleasant but banal. And maybe that's the problem.

Banal is an adjective that means "so lacking in originality as to be obvious and boring". Now, I'm not saying anything was wrong with the party, itself. I believe the problem lies in my perception of things surrounding me. Everyone else was having a good time but I was just . . . there.

It's just that I have been to the same party more times than I care to remember. I make the same small talk with the same people; hear and tell the same jokes; laugh at the same anecdotes and drink the same booze. How many times can I go to the same party?

I think I need a change in my life. I spent 42 years in the workplace. The last fifteen years of it I traveled extensively in the northeast eleven states. I had variety and a change of scenery. Now, I haven't even gone on vacation in over three years. I just keep going to the same party with the same people.

I'm thinking about skipping the next party and going straight to the hangover.

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Now What Do I Do?

Well, I finished the last of my "end of summer" chores yesterday. I have tried to create a low maintenance, low impact lifestyle for my self, these last few years. As a result, I haven't stopped working since I retired.

I wrote a blog last spring about all of the spring time chores required to "open up" our tiki themed deck; the deck staining, the yard work, and various maintenance items. Throughout the summer, when I should have been lazing around the pool, I worked on a variety of "tinker" projects. Now, well into the fall season, I believe I have finally exhausted my list.

The deck furniture is safely stored away in the garage, I rebuilt a section of my tiki bar that was warped by the summer heat and rains, polyurethaned the tiki bar prior to winter storage, replaced a cracked o-ring in the hot tub, maintenanced and covered the golf cart and the ATV, re-painted the trim on the garage, and remodeled our living room, bedrooms and my garage office.

At one point, the list of things to do became so long I bought two white boards to keep track of things. In other words, I had to organize my list.

I have mentioned on these pages that I believe retirement is a myth. I have one of my favorite comic strips framed in my office. It is from The Neighborhood by Jerry Van Amerongen. It depicts a guy standing on his front porch, looking expansively at his yard and house, both hands planted firmly on the front rail, and the caption says, "Ahh, Saturday morning and not a chore in sight!" The next panel shows him just after the rail collapses and he is face down in the dirt, surrounded by splinter railing and a sagging porch roof.

Things aren't quite that bad around here but it does seem like it never ends. There will always be a list. Which reminds me of another of my soon-to-be-famous quotes:

"If we can't laugh at ourselves . . . that still leaves a pretty long list."

More BS From B.S.

The following AP news story ran on the Internet yesterday:

Streisand has outburst at NYC concert

The most riveting moment of Barbra Streisand's Madison Square Garden concert was one of the only unscripted ones. Streisand endured jeers as she interjected a political skit into Monday night's show, exchanging zingers with a celebrity impersonator playing George Bush as a bumbling idiot.

Though most of the crowd offered polite applause during the slightly humorous routine, it went on a bit too long, especially for those who just wanted to hear Streisand sing.

"Come on, be polite!" the well-known liberal implored. But one heckler wouldn't let up. And finally, Streisand let him have it.

"Shut the (expletive) up!" Streisand bellowed, drawing wild applause. "Shut up if you can't take a joke!"

With that one F-word, the jeers ended. And the message was delivered -- no one gets away with trying to upstage Barbra Streisand, especially in her hometown.

You know, you won't hear me say this very often, but I agree with Barbra Streisand.

It is totally rude to continuously heckle someone when they are trying to do their job. Sure, the odd too-loud negative comment or even a direct cat-call or insult might be acceptable. But to keep it going, to constantly harangue and interrupt and try to disrupt and throw a person off stride in hopes of making them look bad -- is just wrong.

So I agree with Barbra Streisand. President Bush is just trying to do his job and all of the poor sport, liberal losers should just sit down and "shut the fuck up!"

And that goes double for Barbra Streisand.