Michael Jackson's Career Path

Michael Jackson is on some sort of self-promotion tour in Japan and even though he won't sing or dance for anyone, he is willing to show up "briefly" for $3,500 per person. For their money, the lucky attendees get a buffet dinner, several Japanese Jackson impersonators, and get to rub elbows with orphans and handicapped kids. (You knew there would be kids around.)

Wearing sunglasses and dressed in a black-and-gold Roberto Cavalli suit, Jackson appeared on the stage at the end of the six-hour party to read a brief thank you.

"I've been in the entertainment industry since I was 6 years old," he told AP. "As Charles Dickens says, 'It's been the best of times, the worst of times.' But I would not change my career."

"Well, not my career, but maybe I would cut back on molesting little boys as much. But, no, that wouldn't work. I've done everything for the children -- that's where my tremendous drive has come from. So if I didn't have sleepy-time with the little boys to look forward to, maybe I wouldn't have worked so hard on my faggy, crotch grabbing, sequined routines."

"But if I hadn't been so successful career-wise, I wouldn't have had the evil power to simply order "room service" in third world countries. I wouldn't have had the money to build Neverland. I would have had to hang around other people's amusement parks to pick up little boys. And I would have never had the "hush money" to buy off all the parents willing to sell their children to me."

"So . . . I guess the answer is 'I would not change my career'."

"Although I am still working on my face . . ."





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Takin' a Cruise

Out of a deep and sincere respect for Tom-Kat's privacy, Escape Velocity will go dark for twenty four hours. We won't be sending our crack team of reporters (Or is it our team of crack reporters? I always get that wrong) to cover the wedding. We won't be flying overhead in the Escape Velocity corporate helicopter, trying to get exclusive aerial video of the wedding party. We won't be renting a white tux and sneaking in as a waiter or skinning the neighbor's dog and sneaking in as Fido.

We won't speculate whether the whole marriage thing would even be happening if Tom hadn't shot himself in the foot and ruined his career by speaking in public without a script. We won't be poking into his private life and wondering why a gay man is going to all the trouble to appear to have fathered a child and then organize a sham wedding when Hollywood already accepts gays with open arms.

Wait a second . . . was I talking about Tom Cruise or Michael Jackson?

We won't be speculating if it is too late to rescue Katie and have her deprogrammed. Or how easy it was to program her in the first place. Or where I can get me one of those.

We won't be doing any of that stuff because we will be glued to the Internet and Weekend Access, and Entertainment Tonight's weekend show, and E!, and The Insider, and . . . whatever else we can find. So out of respect for their privacy and Tom-Kat's right to sell their own video for $20,000,000, we won't be posting a blog today. On this most special of days.

Say . . . didn't Katie Holmes used to be an actress or something?

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