Today's Headlines

Today's headlines didn't need a lot of help from the (ahem) journalists. They pretty much tell the whole story.


Rosie: I Hang Upside Down Every Day to Fight Depression -- NEW YORK, N.Y. -

. . . Yours or ours?
. . . Try not watching The View.
. . . Here. Have another Pizza and a couple more cheeseburgers and tell me all about it.
. . . Look! It's a fat, angry, lesbian, vampire bat!
. . . What does she hang from - an I-beam?
. . . Wow! Crazy, fat chicks have strong ankles!


Parents Beat Up Principal Over Grades -- MILAN, Italy -

. . . That'll teach the boy a lesson!
. . . Parents beat up cop over son's arrest.
. . . Parents beat up priest over son's confession.
. . . Parents beat up other students over dodge ball game.


Woman Sues Doctor After Failed Abortion -- BOSTON, Mass. - A Boston woman who gave birth after a failed abortion has filed a lawsuit against two doctors and Planned Parenthood seeking the cost of raising her child.

. . . And the Mother of the Year is . . .
. . . Is she going to use some of the money for the kid's therapy bills?
. . . Last year she sued a lawyer when her divorce didn't take.



Calderon Vows to Restore Mexico's Appeal -- MEXICO CITY, Mexico - Mexican President Felipe Calderon won't be fighting for migration reform when he meets with President Bush next week. Instead, he will be spelling out what he intends to do to keep Mexicans at home.

. . . He will extend the siesta by 1/2 hour.
. . . He will put two worms in every bottle of tequila.
. . . He will lobby California for an increase in medical benefits.


Schoolgirls Suspended for Saying "Vagina" During Reading of "Vagina Monologues" -- CROSS RIVER, New York -

. . . Second graders suspended for saying "dick" during reading of "Fun with Dick and Jane".
. . . Student suspended for saying "beaver" during reading of "The Last of the Mohicans".

Whatever happened to:
. . . Students suspended for saying "fuck!" when assigned "Moby Dick"?


Drill Sergeant Accused of Forcing Trainee to Dress as Superman, Submit to Sex Acts -- HAMPTON, Va. -

. . . That's funny. I always thought Captain Marvel was the gay one.
. . . Bend steel in his bare hands?
. . . Hey Buddy, what do you say we pretend you're Krypto, next?

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The Mexican Drug Siesta Plan

Mexico Wants to Partially Decriminalize Drugs -- MEXICO CITY - In a bold move reminiscent of a Cheech & Chong movie or a dose of Ex-lax, the Mexican government has decided to partially decriminalize drugs. When asked to confirm this new strategy in it's war against drugs, Reynaldo Juarez, Mexico's Minister of Silly Notions and Government Initiatives said, "Si."

Does that mean there will be no arrests for small quantities of certain drugs?

"Si."

Or does it mean only certain drugs will be illegal?

"Si."

Or . . . does it mean people will still be arrested but the penalties will be lowered?

"Si."

Or does it mean the police will confiscate half of your drugs for resale and you will only face criminal charges for what is left?

"Si."

Or . . . does it mean a new category of crime . . . such as felonies and misdemeanors . . . will the new crime category be called a "semimeanor" . . . or maybe a "quasimeanor"?

"Si."

. . . . . . Does . . . your wife . . . charge by the hour or is it more like piecework?

"Si."

You don't speak any English, do you?

"Si."

There you have it folks. The Mexican government has a brilliant plan to partially decriminalize drugs and the man I am talking to is an idiot. Isn't that right, sir?

"Si."

And these are the people outsmarting our border patrols.

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