Snatched From the Headlines

(He said "snatch" . . . heh, heh!) "Juvenile, knee-jerk, ill conceived blather in reaction to a superficial examination of the facts." That could either be my treatment of the latest headlines or the Democratic response to anything happening, anywhere.



Oklahoman Wins Miss America Crown -- LAS VEGAS - Oscar Petertook, long time resident of the City that Never Sleeps, woke up this morning with a crown and a sash. Apparently, Lauren Nelson, a naked beauty contest winner had lost them and a $50,000 scholarship several hours earlier in a World Celebrity Texas Hold-Em Strip Poker tournament. She had won the coveted Miss America title hours before that, then walked away from the pageant area saying she was feeling lucky.

Shilah Phillips, the first black Miss Texas, was first runner-up and was immediately named to replace Miss Nelson. However the tiara and sash were "quite expensive" and Ms. Philips will have to make do with other regal attire. "That's right," she was quoted as saying. "Make the black woman wear the Burger King crown and the PO-lice line tape. Uh huh!"

Donald Trump and Rossie O'Donnell were unavailable for comment as they were at a nearby celebrity spa having their egos re-inflated. It turns out that Rosie's has a slow leak and The Donald keeps adding more air to his to make his hair look smaller.




Hobbit Declared a New Species as Debate Continues -- HILLSHIRE, England - Liberal scientists in a frustrated effort to find "the missing link" have turned to fiction to bolster their argument.


"Well, it makes as much sense as anything else we've floated," said Willard Fossilopolus, a Greek paleontologist here on a research grant. "We have never found one scintilla of evidence of any missing link between any species. And yet we have this elaborate back story, complete with pictures and museum displays depicting how we figure it must have been. Quite honestly, Mr. Tolkein's account makes far more sense than ours. So we are going to go with that for a while."

As he walked away, he paused and turned. "You know, we are open to other ideas, if you have any. The only thing we won't consider is that ridiculous God theory."



Australian Sells Own Life on Internet -- SYDNEY - A 24-year-old Australian surfer who sold his life, including baggage from a painful break-up, on eBay says he is still not quite sure why he did it.

Nicael Holt sold his name, phone number and all his possessions, including clothes, CDs, a surfboard, a laptop, a wonky pushbike, childhood photos and a "nice lamp" given to him by an ex-girlfriend, on the internet auction site.

The successful applicant bid 7,500 dollars (5,790 US) last week to become Holt, right down to spending Christmas with his parents and inheriting "some tension with a former ex from a painful break-up."

The identity of the eBay auction winner is known only as ridderstrade.

Holt, a philosophy student from the southern coastal city of Wollongong who has set up a website to explain his actions and ask for donations to charity, said he was unable to explain why he sold his life.

"Im still racking my brain to come up with the answer or any answer as to why I did this?" he wrote.

Motivating factors were boredom and intrigue as to what constitutes a life and what made him who he was.

He added he was "hoping to make a point that the amount and type of things that are for sale in this world is insane and wasteful."




All of these headlines were true. One of the stories was true. Two were closer to reality than the actual true story. You decide.

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Heavy is the Head . . .

In recent days, there has been a lot in the news about beauty queens losing their crowns. Miss USA, Tara Conner almost lost hers. Miss Teen USA, Katie Blair, was caught up in the same scandal. Miss Nevada, Kate Rees, was fired over some raunchy photos. Several years ago, The Donald had to fire the reigning Miss Universe.

This got me to wondering why these women are having such a hard time hanging onto their crowns? In fact, why are there so few monarchs now-a-days? If we go by the current psycho-babble we hear from the talking heads on TV, it surely isn't the fault of the people involved. It is demon alcohol, or parental abuse or parental over-involvement or under-involvement, or peer pressure, or the pressure of society's expectations or . . . whatever!

All we know is that these poor girls are not to blame. So I did a little internet research and discovered something interesting. The reason the beauty queens (and by extension all monarchs) are having such a hard time hanging onto their crowns . . . is the crowns.

The crowns are to blame! Here are some recent photos of Hungary's Anita Horvath attempting to wear her crown after winning the Miss Bikini World Final pageant. She is having trouble hanging onto the crown from the very beginning.


So we sent our team of cracked reporters out on the streets. Their mission was to find the company that provides the crowns to these pageants and various monarchies. Unfortunately we aren't very good at this kind of thing and all we found was a place that makes bowling trophies which, by the way, are no picnic to wear on your head either.

The lessons to be learned here? Beauty queens are good. Crowns are bad. So whether booze or drugs or lesbian sex or under-age drinking had anything to do with it, Tara Conners was right after all. The Donald is a sucker for the top of a girl's head and that is why you need to keep your roots touched up.





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Trump to Miss USA: You're . . . 21?(!)

Tara Conner, who has just turned 21 (legal), has been given a second chance. She apparently humiliated herself, privately, to Donald Trump's satisfaction, so she was given an opportunity to become the latest celebrity poster-girl for sobriety.

Boo-fucking-Hoo!

Tara Conner has agreed to go into a rehabilitation program for an unspecified problem and would not be stripped of the title of Miss USA 2006.

Conner tearfully told reporters at the news conference that she realizes she is a role model and denied reports of widespread problems with alcohol and drugs.

"I wouldn't say that I am an alcoholic. That would be pushing the envelope a little bit," she said. "I don't have a problem with anything like that."

Where's his other hand?

We here at Escape Velocity would like to congratulate Ms. Conner for using her head on . . . er, uh, with The Donald and wish her success in overcoming her non-problem. As we all know, the first step to recovery is denying you have a problem.

Tara Conner joins a growing list of celebrity bad girls that includes Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and others. And, like the rest of them, Tara is permitted to act outrageously, break laws, shed a few tears, bat her eyes and get a pass. Then she'll do some bogus rehab time before reassuming the mantle of "role model".

It is all bullshit. If the board members of the Miss USA Pageant and Donald Trump want young women to learn something from the Tara Conner debacle, she should have been stripped of her title and fired.

The lesson to be learned would be actions have consequences. Behave yourself. Don't fuck up.

But in the land of second, third and fourth chances (for celebrities only) ordinary little girls and young women must learn the harsh reality of that lesson for themselves.. There are no second chances for ordinary citizens. Drunk driving, drug possession and car accidents have life ruining consequences. The law doesn't care if they are young or pretty or how much they cry and "Tara got away with it" is not an acceptable argument in a court of law.

The next time The Donald wants to exhibit his trumped up compassion, maybe he should think of the message he is sending to the rest of us. Rank has privilege . . . and this is as rank as it gets.

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Another Near Miss . . .

Tara Conner, Miss USA 2006, is in danger of being dethroned. It turns out that the 20 year old beauty queen likes the night life and likes to drink.

Of course, the judges should have known that, when for the talent portion of the competition, she was able to chug 64 oz. of a beer-like substance from a funnel and hose contraption while keeping a spoon hanging on her nose. And while the other girls were putting Vaseline on their teeth and touching up their hair, Tara was looking for a breath mint.

Here is a picture of her with the reigning Miss Universe. Tara Conner is on the right:



She seems a little distracted. One of the lighting crew must have mentioned going to Hooters for lunch.

You know, I like to kid around here at Escape Velocity but every now and then we hit upon a very serious subject. Most people, especially young people, don't appreciate how their present actions can affect their future lives. They don't appreciate the fact that other people are looking to them as a guidepost for their own futures. And, in their quest for momentary fun or pleasure, they sometimes unwittingly give their enemies the opening to do them harm..

I am, of course, talking about Tara Conner -- future mother of John Conner, the only man who can prevent The Rise of the Machines. Even now, the cyborgs of 2029 are searching their history for the perfect moment to send one of their own back in time to prevent the birth of John Conner.

Next week, Donald Trump and the Miss USA pageant organizers are going to meet to determine Tara Conner's fate. Ironically, it may already have been decided in 2029.

And what if one of Tara's drunken, lost nights in the Big Apple has already resulted in the conception of John Conner. Is The Donald justified in protecting the dignity of the pageant and a money-making franchise? Will the cyborgs from 2029 find . . .

Excuse me a moment . . . what? . . . Ohhhh! . . . It's Sara Connor . . . and that's Connor with an O . . . and I'm a big . . . Hey! Wait a minute . . . Haven't you ever made a mistake? . . .

Well, anyway, under-age people shouldn't drink. It doesn't matter how smokin' they are.

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