The Golden Age of Fornication

"Birth control pill for men still a way off"

Really? Birth control pills for men?

That headline leaped off of my news reader this morning and struck me like a ton of condoms. I mean, say it isn't so!

It reminds me of the southerner who, after a vasectomy, had sex in a tuxedo. He told his wife, "If I'm going to be impotent, then I'm going to dress impo'tant!"

The only viable reason I can think of for a man to need a male birth control pill is because she is too blond to remember to take hers. But, then again, if we can figure out how to slip a roofie into her Cosmo I'm pretty damn sure we can manage to hide a birth control pill in her Big Mac or a morning after pill in her omelette.

Is it because women are too lazy? Or maybe it's just the opposite. Is she so intent upon wanting it all (the Career, the sporty car, the house, the 2.3 kids, and the sex without consequences) that remembering to take the pill is just one thing too many. Let the man do it.

I grew up in an era when there were larger families; 4.7 children on average. Back then, women ovulated and men ejaculated. It was uncomplicated. Maybe a little messy... but who cared. Men didn't do the laundry.

Being a .7 child (I was a little puny back then) I got to view life in what I call the Golden Age of Fornication. Back when every man a woman slept with truly believed he was her first. Back when the back seat of the car wasn't filled with car seats and flat screen DVD players but was made for laying down and moving around a little. When condoms were birth control and if she got pregnant... Well, he didn't really believe he was her first, did he?

But now we have fifty different styles of condoms, some kind of vaginal O-ring thingy, defoliant foam, birth control pills, morning after pills, 5-day after pills and legal abortions. The odds are that if you weren't born before 1973, you probably won't be.

If I were tackling this problem from a practical point of view I would look at what I am up against. (No pun intended.) Women make one egg a month. A man can generate 1,000 sperm a second. It's like trying to control the Mexican border. Wouldn't it be easier to just get rid of the Americans?

But really, all seriousness aside. Men already have vasectomies available to us. Right? So, why not add another layer of protection into the mix? Why not make a pill for men that kills our sperm production, day-by-day, on a pill-by-pill basis? And leave the important stuff to the women.

Then again, I thought chemical castration was for criminals.


P.S.: There is no such thing as safe sex. There are still about twenty other things that can go wrong.


P.P.S.: The reason men don't need birth control pills is that they can't get pregnant. It would be like a woman getting a vasectomy. Science might get it to work, but our hearts wouldn't be in it.


P.P.P.S.: Why do we need all these different kinds of contraception, anyway? Hasn't anyone ever heard of a blow job?


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