You Are Here

I was strolling through the mall with the Blond Bombshell the other day when I decided to test the degree of her blondness. As we approached one if the big maps I said, "I want to show you something."

We stood gazing at the map for a few moments when she squealed, "Oh, look! They have a Claire's Boutique!" The squeal was accompanied by a squeeze of my hand.

"Yeah, that's great. We'll go there in a little bit." I said somewhat distractedly. "But first I want you to look at something."

She stood there looking at the map a few more seconds and finally asked, "What?"

"See the red dot that says -YOU ARE HERE-?"

"Yeah?"

"Now follow me." I said and I took off at a brisk pace for the center of the mall. When we got to the next big map I said, "Now, look at that."

"What am I looking at?"

"The red dot." I answered.

"Yeah?"

"It now says I am here." I said, trying to sound a little exasperated.

"Yeah... well, you are." She said as if to a little boy.

"O.K. Let's do this one more time." I declared. With that I grabbed her hand and headed off for the far end of the mall. When we eventually got there she had begun complaining about her shoes. Or, more accurately, her feet. So when we arrived in front of the final big map I needed to refocus her.

I pointed at the map and said, "Well?"

She looked at the mall layout depicted before her and said, "I still don't get it."

"I don't either." I admitted. "I mean, how does it know?"

"Know what?"

"Where I am!" I exclaimed. "Obviously this thing is tracking me somehow." I paused a moment and said as if in deep thought, "Maybe it's reading the GPS in my cell phone."

She was quiet for several seconds then asked, "What if you left your cell phone in the car?"

"Well... I guess I'd have to ask someone where I am." I said slowly.

We just stood there, staring at the mysterious red dot declaring -YOU ARE HERE-, presumably deep in thought. Finally, I said, "Do me a favor. You stay here and I'm going to walk down there a ways. Let know if the dot moves."

"O.K." she answered, seriously.

I set off, retracing my steps past several store fronts before I turned around and mimed "well?".

She looked at the map and back at me and back at the map again. Then she started towards me on those sexy little heels. When she got to me she was a little out of breath. "I think I have it figured out!" she exclaimed.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yep." she nodded with a big grin. "When you walked over here the dot didn't move!"

"So?"

"Well, it's obvious, silly. The map is tracking me!"




The moral of the story is: I never know when the Blond Bombshell is messing with me.

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Group Life Insurance

I received a piece of bulk mail from AAA today. They were offering up to $200,000 of group term life insurance (for just pennies per minute). Now, I'm not really in the market for life insurance because I have always viewed death as a last chance to be a burden on my family. But even still, something intrigued me about this offer.

So, being the troublemaker, er... wiseguy, er... thorough person that I am, I read the fine print.

It turns out that in order to collect on group term life insurance, the entire group must die at the same time. So, figuring, "what are the odds of that?" I decided that anyone who signed up for group term life insurance would be stupid to die before the rest of the group so, demographically, it must be a pretty safe group.

So I signed up.

There are a couple of codicils, however. The policy is voided in the event of group suicide. But it does pay double indemnity in case of group accidental death. So, if we all decided, as a group, to kill ourselves, we would have to make it look like an accident. Like a tragic group bowling accident... or, say, we were all in a giant rowboat during a tornado. Or maybe a group hunting accident.

All in all, it was a pretty good mail day.

I will, however, have to re-think that age old question my mother used to ask me, "If everybody jumped off a bridge..."

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Fathers and Sons

I was talking with my friend Jonesy the other day when I couldn't help but ask him what was wrong. We were sitting at my tiki bar drinking Dr. Pepper on shaved ice with crushed cherries. The sun was hot. There was no breeze.

"Oh, I'm having trouble with my younger son." he answered. "He's having trouble dealing with my divorce and he absolutely hates that I live at a nudist resort." He stirred the ice with his finger. When he lifted the glass, the beaded moisture left a ring on the bar. I'd wipe it up later.

(Note to self: put the coasters on the tiki bar.)

"What's he been doing?" I asked.

He put the drink back down near the ring.

(Couldn't he at least hit the same spot each time?)

He gave me a wry smile, "Every time we talk he feels like he has to beat me up about living here. He won't give it a rest. He thinks it's wall to wall parties, naked beauties and orgies."

"I thought the orgy thing was a secret?" I feigned incredulity. "Have you told him that people around here look like people you meet anywhere?"

A nudist resort does not automatically attract beautiful, hard bodies. In fact, just the opposite is true. Most good looking young people enjoy the dress up, the clubs and the sexy flirtations. The people who come here skew older and, as an act of gross rationalization, claim complete body acceptance. This allows them to be over weight and out of shape - without embarrassment. In fact, most of the people here would not go to a clothed beach because of how bad they would look in a bathing suit.

"Yeah. But he doesn't believe me. I even snuck a picture of Adele." He pulled a photo out of his pocket. Adele was a very sweet but large lady of our mutual acquaintance. Picture taking at the resort was mostly forbidden. We also knew that Adele was a free spirit and that she wouldn't mind.

He handed it over to me and said, "I was going to send it to him with the caption:

.............................See Son, It's not all about sex!

I glanced at it and handed it back to him. "Cute." I said. "Adele's husband, Roy, might object."

Jonesy took the photo back and looked at it again. "Oh, wait! This is Roy!" He tucked the photo away then picked up his glass and sloshed a little as he turned on his stool.

(Oh, look! You missed a spot.)

I changed the subject and asked, "What's your son do?"

"Besides bitch at me like we're married?"

"That's rhetorical, right?" I always have to check after that incident with the traffic cop.

He nodded, then said. "He's a teacher in Ohio."

"Oh!" I answered, trying to sound impressed. "He must be real bright."

"He is. if you're impressed with night lights. He was recently turned down by Mensa Lite. He spelled his name wrong on the application. I asked him how that could happen and he claimed it was a union thing. The teacher's union is very strong in Ohio."

I never know when Jonesy is messing with me. "What's Mensa Lite?" I prodded.

"Mensa Lite is for pseudo-intellectuals. People who talk about their degrees rather than their accomplishments. People who talk about the book reviews they read, rather than the books they have read. People who think Al Gore is an intellectual."

"So, why're you so down on him?" I wondered.

"Maybe it's because he won't let up on me. Maybe it's because when his mom left me he never once asked me what had happened or even how I was doing." He paused and picked a piece of cherry out of his drink, dripping across the bar and onto the deck.

Then he seemed to rouse himself, remembering that he was supposed to be making a joke or something. That was Jonesy's coping mechanism. Mine was wall to wall parties, naked beauties and orgies.

"You know," he said, "I remember the night he was conceived and, I gotta tell you, the sex wasn't that great."

There's the old Jonesy I know!

He sat a little straighter in his chair and I could see the gleam in his eye. He was getting ready to be on a roll. I picked up my drink and sloshed a little on the bar by way of encouragement.

"I kid around about his mother being unfaithful but I am almost 100% certain I am his father."

"How so?" I played the straight man.

"When he was born he had my last name." I smiled and he continued, "Did I ever tell you why we named him P.J.?"

"Uh, uh."

"Because his mother had called dibs on B.J."

"Cute." I said. I began to fondly remember Jonesy's ex-wife but he wasn't done yet.

"Isn't it ironic," he asked, "that being an actual bastard is passed on through the mother?"

I had to laugh.

"And why isn't there a specific name for illegitimate females? I think bitch would have been a great choice. But it was already handily taken by adult women." Jonesy has been a little bitter since the break up.

I sucked on some ice, tasting the cherry juice.

"I am wondering one thing, though."

"What's that?" I mumbled through the ice.

"Even though I am as certain as a guy can be that his sons are legitimate, does my recent divorce make them Bastards by Proxy?"

.

The Golden Age of Fornication

"Birth control pill for men still a way off"

Really? Birth control pills for men?

That headline leaped off of my news reader this morning and struck me like a ton of condoms. I mean, say it isn't so!

It reminds me of the southerner who, after a vasectomy, had sex in a tuxedo. He told his wife, "If I'm going to be impotent, then I'm going to dress impo'tant!"

The only viable reason I can think of for a man to need a male birth control pill is because she is too blond to remember to take hers. But, then again, if we can figure out how to slip a roofie into her Cosmo I'm pretty damn sure we can manage to hide a birth control pill in her Big Mac or a morning after pill in her omelette.

Is it because women are too lazy? Or maybe it's just the opposite. Is she so intent upon wanting it all (the Career, the sporty car, the house, the 2.3 kids, and the sex without consequences) that remembering to take the pill is just one thing too many. Let the man do it.

I grew up in an era when there were larger families; 4.7 children on average. Back then, women ovulated and men ejaculated. It was uncomplicated. Maybe a little messy... but who cared. Men didn't do the laundry.

Being a .7 child (I was a little puny back then) I got to view life in what I call the Golden Age of Fornication. Back when every man a woman slept with truly believed he was her first. Back when the back seat of the car wasn't filled with car seats and flat screen DVD players but was made for laying down and moving around a little. When condoms were birth control and if she got pregnant... Well, he didn't really believe he was her first, did he?

But now we have fifty different styles of condoms, some kind of vaginal O-ring thingy, defoliant foam, birth control pills, morning after pills, 5-day after pills and legal abortions. The odds are that if you weren't born before 1973, you probably won't be.

If I were tackling this problem from a practical point of view I would look at what I am up against. (No pun intended.) Women make one egg a month. A man can generate 1,000 sperm a second. It's like trying to control the Mexican border. Wouldn't it be easier to just get rid of the Americans?

But really, all seriousness aside. Men already have vasectomies available to us. Right? So, why not add another layer of protection into the mix? Why not make a pill for men that kills our sperm production, day-by-day, on a pill-by-pill basis? And leave the important stuff to the women.

Then again, I thought chemical castration was for criminals.


P.S.: There is no such thing as safe sex. There are still about twenty other things that can go wrong.


P.P.S.: The reason men don't need birth control pills is that they can't get pregnant. It would be like a woman getting a vasectomy. Science might get it to work, but our hearts wouldn't be in it.


P.P.P.S.: Why do we need all these different kinds of contraception, anyway? Hasn't anyone ever heard of a blow job?


.

I Feel Like I've Been Jacked Around

Two ground breaking TV shows ended this week. Lost and 24. Many positive things have already been written about these shows but I am not going to be another gushing fanboy. What I am concerned with here are the messages these two shows left with us. And why I disagree.

I'll bet Jack Bauer wishes he had ten more minutes in his most recent 24 hour day... so that he could wake up in Bobby Ewing's shower (Dallas)... or wake up with Susanne Pleshette (Newhart)... or find out he was a part of an autistic child's snow globe daydream (Saint Elsewhere).

Is it possible for an entire season to jump the shark (Happy Days)?

The season painfully ground to a halt in pursuit of an ephemeral and mis-guided peace treaty that never caught any traction with the viewers. Who cares if a liberal president is disgraced through their own corrupt machinations? We can get that on the 20 minute news cycle.

Nor does it matter if the president did the right thing in the end. In her position as the leader of the free world she should have been doing the right thing step by step. Her only reason for coming to her senses was that she got caught... and that Jack shamed her into it.

Then we were able to witness the First Bitch of an imaginary mid-east country transform herself from an unreasonable shrew into an Arab Mother Theresa while her daughter goes from selling out her father and country in order to sleep with a guy to becoming a super-patriot of her country.

Apparently, these three women prove that it doesn't matter how venal or corrupt they are if they think the means justifies the end.

Then we were supposed to believe that Chloe, Jack's biggest cheer leader, started the day out as a temp brought in to help CTU and was made Director of the agency before the end of the day.

I wrote a blog several years ago that was called "The Women of 24". I still stand by my premise that, if you eliminated all the time wasted in the sub-plots involving all of the wrong thinking women in the show, it would have been called 3 or maybe 4 at tops.

In the end of 24, Jack found a kind of redemption or vindication and we were left with another blurring of the lines between the good guys and the bad guys. The president ordered Jack freed but sent him on the run, out of the country, for his life. Meanwhile, all of the bad guys kept getting full presidential pardons. She couldn't have done that for Jack? At the end of the day, apparently, the message we're supposed to take from the show was that the "good guys" can kill, maim and lie as long as they are better than the really bad "bad guys".

If, in the real world, our American president and hierarchy were this corrupt and self-serving then there is no hope for... O, never mind. We already have one of thOse.




Which brings me to Lost.

It turns out that all 6 seasons were about the other Jack working out his personal redemption before he died shortly after the plane crash in the first episode. We know this because the final scenes, after Jack stumbles out of the bamboo and dies, were of the wreckage strewn beach devoid of people when, at that point in the pilot, the survivors were wandering all over the beach.

Which is what the writers denied was going on for six years. But I guess if they had admitted to it in the beginning nobody would have tuned in nor would they have been able to waste all of that (our) time building up to the cheesy Twilight Zone ending.

(This might explain, however, how Hurley never lost any weight stranded on a desert Island.)

I know everyone got all gushy at the final episode's hopeful message of personal redemption. The problem with this premise is that, like all other liberal, feel-good theologies, it is nonsense.

If we don't, through our faith, good deeds and relationships, work out our redemption throughout the course of our lives - it is too late after the plane crashes.

The flaw in religions that deny a specific God, offer easy gimmicks for salvation and that do not teach a punishment for evil, is that the seekers gain a false sense of hope and security that will not serve them well in the end. Mankind is not well served by TV shows and a culture that denies these things.

We need to be taught, and believe, that there is a very specific God who requires our faith and commitment to Him and that there is good and evil in this world that demands of us to choose. This is the true test of righteousness. When we choose. People who deny this are unwilling to face up to the responsibility and consequences of their own actions and choices. Unfortunately, they are making their choice in their denial.

That would have been a better message... and ending.

So much for ground breaking TV.

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This Explains a Lot

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Elegy for a Kitten

I was on my way to the store the other day when I saw the carcass of a dead cat frozen stiff by the side of the road. I immediately thought of my ex-wife. Then I started wondering how I made that connection. So I retraced my train of thought (which isn't easy): some of the tracks don't line up quite right, the transformer is a little quirky, one of the boxcars is missing a wheel and I haven't been able to find my engine in years.

Anyway... I was on my way to the store to see if I could find some left-over Valentine's candy. I figured the stores probably over-estimated how many men would try buying their way out of trouble with a cheap box of chocolate. I just hoped I could get there before all of the fat chicks cleaned it out.

In case you haven't figured it out - I have always been a hopeless romantic. So I have to admit that the irony of my divorce coming so close to Valentine's Day is not lost on me. But the divorce is FINAL and, as a result, I feel I have learned some valuable lessons:

One, is that if divorce wasn't so expensive and difficult, women probably wouldn't want one.
Two, is the reason divorce is so expensive is that it is worth it.
And three, is that divorce is probably the last time you can completely satisfy your wife.


It also let's you finally see your partner without those rose colored glasses.

petty
adjective
1 petty regulations: TRIVIAL, trifling, minor, small, unimportant, insignificant, inconsequential, inconsiderable, negligible, paltry, footling, pettifogging; informal piffling, piddling, fiddling. ANTONYMS important, serious.
2 a petty form of revenge:SMALL-MINDED, mean, ungenerous, shabby, spiteful. ANTONYMS magnanimous.

Since it took two years after the separation for her to agree to the details of the divorce, I'm thinking #2 is the one I'm looking for. Oddly enough, the process also smells like number two.







Divorce also makes you aware of how people change. I remember, when we were young, how she used to be my playful little Kitten . That was my pet name for her. Kitten. Years later, after the kids were grown and my health and earning capacities were failing me, she wasn't so much "playful" as she was "playing me". And I came to realize that the cat that the kitten became had the morals of an alley cat. Not long after that she turned feral.


In the end, now that she has her own place, she has at least one cat that I know of and is probably well on her way towards becoming a crazy cat lady.




Did I mention that I am allergic to cats? I could go on but I don't want to be accused of beating a dead pussy.

But all of this does help explain how, in the constant conversation between the voices in my head, one of them could say, "Speaking of a dead pussy... have I ever told you about my ex-wife?"

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Is it MyFace or SpaceBook?

About a year ago, during an incoherent moment, I joined one of those social networking groups. I think it's name was MyFace or SpaceBook or SpaceFace or MyBook or something. Anyway, I signed up because several people were pestering the hell out of me to do so. They were all acting like this was the answer to all of our social problems. So I signed up and created a profile.

What I discovered was Nirvana for losers. Let me put it this way, I retired when I was 51. So, basically, I have the rest of my life to do nothing. If I took all of that free time, it would not be enough to answer all of my friend requests, heart requests, puppy requests, frog requests, answer "this question" requests, etc. And I don't even work the site.

I thought it might be a cool way to keep up with with my friends activities or parties or something useful. What I found was a lot of specious requests to waste my time.

specious
adjective
specious reasoning: misleading, deceptive, false, fallacious, unsound, spurious, casuistic, sophistic.

Apparently I have a "wall" where new communications are posted. This is as opposed to some other area where my "friends" can, for lack of a better word, blather. I get to hear about work schedules, dogs, kids, diets, girlfriends, boyfriends, job interviews, polls on anything and everything (nothing interesting), and very little of any interest to normal people.

So I stayed active for about 30 seconds and forgot about it. Time went by. The seasons changed. Brett Favre came out of retirement, a bunch of other stuff happened and Kurt Warner retired. So, now I'm noodling around on my computer and I find a link to F-Space or FaceTube and I think, "Oh yeah. I haven't been on there for a while." So I click on the link. My computer dutifully remembered the user name and password and I was in. I looked around for several seconds and re-realized, "Oh yeah, losers." and signed out. Total time: 18 seconds.

Since then I have been inundated with friend requests and messages on my "wall".

So I'm trying to figure out if this is some kind of computer robotic activity trying to stimulate a false sense of community by matching everyone in my address book with everyone on SpaceFace or MyTube or whatever - OR, if everyone I know has been signed on and waiting for the last 11 months until I logged in again to post their friend requests? I mean, I occasionally see some of these people and they seem normal enough. (But, then again, I'm judging them by my standards.)

I may never know.

Because (as I understand it) the first rule of TubeFace is you don't TALK about Tubeface.

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Ram-a-lamb-a-ding-dong

Mary had a little lamb,
It's father was a sheep.
This was revenge on Farmer Tom,
Who preferred him to Bo Peep.


.......................................................................Anonymous

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Pocket Pool

I was adjusting my balls the other day when I caught the eye of a very pretty young lady. When I saw she was heading my way, I figured she was looking for an explanation for my boorish behavior so, in the time it took her to cross the bar room and since I had to explain anyway, I figured I had a free one coming. So I reached into my pants and adjusted my balls again.

"Mmmm," she purred. "There must be something good in there."

"Well..." I extemporized, "I, uh, keep my Congressional Medal of Honor on a ribbon around my waist and occasionally the medal gets tangled up with my other junk."

"I see." she said, looking me straight in the eyes.. "I keep a pot of medal polish in a cave in my pants."

"Mmmm," I purred. "Maybe a little spit and elbow grease, too?"

"Mmmm," she replied in my ear.

When I opened my eyes, she and my wallet were gone.

Which got me to thinking about whose hands I'd rather have in my pockets...



SONNET #43, FROM THE POLISH

With apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the height and narrowness and depth
My arm can reach, when feeling for the remote
Under the cushions and end tables of life.
I love thee to the length of my arm
During my quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right (or Left);
I love thee purely, as they turn from prying eyes.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old briefs, and with my childhood's hands.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my tight jeans---I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!---and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after dark.

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Open Containers

I have always been a little squeamish around women during live childbirth and other open containers. That is why I'm a pretty good cook. I had to learn how to make spaghetti sauce from scratch... because I can't stand to look into an open jar of Prego.

A while back, while I was on the lecture circuit, I found myself sharing a taxi with a decidedly pregnant young woman.

I was sitting at a traffic light listening to the cabbie's music; it was either a cat being disemboweled in some cave in Afghanistan or someone who could not carry a tune on the bagpipes. From the turban on the driver, I'd say it was the former. Just when I had checked to see if my ears were bleeding for the third time, the back door opened and a pretty face said, "Do you mind?"

"It's not my music." I replied.

"No. I mean... do you mind if we share a cab?" The pretty, young woman asked.

"Oh." I sat a little straighter for some reason. "Please, be my guest."

She handed me a little suitcase, backed awkwardly into the seat, and it wasn't until she had turned her legs so that she was sitting forward that I realized she was very pregnant. I don't know why but I am always slightly embarrassed when encountering a pregnant woman. Maybe it's because she is a total stranger and I am suddenly forced to share very intimate details of her life. It is as if she were wearing a sign around her neck that declares "I AM SEXUALLY ACTIVE". I wonder if pregnant women feel that way around their parents?

The cabbie looked over his shoulder and the pre-natal nymph asked to go to the hospital. "And hurry!" she added.

"But I was going the other way." I protested.

"Not any more." said the cabbie with a lilting yet somehow ironic accent.

As I settled back, the strange suitcase on my lap, I closed my eyes and found myself wishing the smells of cooked camel, incense, and body odor would go away and just let me listen to the Suicidal Sitars or whatever they called themselves. It wasn't to be.

I suddenly found my right arm in a vice-like grip. "Hey!" I said ineffectually. I turned to my seat mate and saw that her face had gone white and that she was gripping my arm and, with her other hand, the door's armrest with equal fervor. Suddenly the armrest broke from the door. I looked fearfully at my helpless arm and asked, "What's wrong?"

"Could you ask him to change the channel?" she squeezed out between gasps of pain. As I leaned forward to say something to the cabbie she tightened her death grip on my arm and said, "I'm kidding, you idiot. In case you haven't noticed, I'm in labor."

Except for one final item, that was the last funny thing that happened in that car. All I remember is the woman wailing in pain, then moaning, then stiffening, then a lot of heavy breathing, then some name calling, then more wailing, then more heavy breathing... and sweating... and moaning... and... Say, isn't that how she got into this condition?

Anyway, there was a point during the birthing ceremony, of which I found myself high priest de facto, while she was laying flat on the seat, my back door was open (her panties were on the floor of the taxi) and I was leaning in between her opened legs, trying to get a better view, when a policeman walked up behind me and asked, "How far apart are they?"

"About 90 degrees," I said without pausing. "...this seat back won't let them go any wider."

.

The Comedy Nominator

I saw today that Barack Obama renominated Ben Bernanke as Chairman of the Federal Reserve. This is the guy who, since he has been chairman, has overseen the worst economy since the Great Depression and the worst deficit since the necessary spending during World War II.

This nomination came from the same president who campaigned against deficit spending and has claimed that any new spending must be paid for with either budget savings or new taxes... and has recently promoted the idea that the only way to save our economy is to go several more trillion dollars in debt by socializing our health care system.

And today the White House Budget Office has projected a 9 trillion dollar deficit over the next ten years.

Good job, Mr. President.

Maybe you should nominate Dr. Jack Kevorkian as Surgeon General while you are at.

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Bedtime for Bonzo

Sleeping has always been a chore for me. It probably started while I was a traveling salesman for a large metropolitan ink company. I spent seventeen years of my life in four different motels a week. One of my quirks is that I don't sleep well in a strange bed.

Now, I know what you are thinking. Do they make the holes in Cheerios with a smaller version of the tool they use to make donut holes? And is there some kind of hardening process that turns the Cheerio holes into Grapenuts? Those are both interesting questions but, please, pay attention.

Occasionally, I'd be lucky enough to get the same motel two nights in a row. That was when I found out that I could usually get to sleep the second night. I guess I just had to get used to the hardness of the bed... the extra flat pillows (one was not enough but two were too thick)... the light seeping in from the curtains that never completely closed... the drip in the sink or the toilet that ran all night... that unrecognizable smell or, worse yet, that recognizable smell... the sounds in the halls... the sounds in the next room... then again twenty minutes later (really?)... The big diesel truck in the parking lot that somebody left running all night (like, who forgets something like that?)... the - well you get the idea.

But I would spend four nights a week in four different motels and by the time I got home to my own bed it was a strange bed, too, and it usually wasn't until Saturday that I would get a good night's sleep. When little kids don't get enough sleep they get cranky. When adults don't get enough sleep they get to do the chores that have been piling up all week while they were gone.

Then I developed insomnia.

I literally went several years only sleeping one hour a night. I tried everything. I went to bed earlier... I went to bed later... I cut out caffeine after 6 PM... I ate lighter... I ate heavier... I tried to read myself to sleep but I can't sleep with a light on and I can't read in the dark... I tried laying on my back... then my left side... then my right side... then my stomach... then my left side... then my right side... then my back... then I had to get back up to straighten the covers... I tried sleeping with and without covers... then just the sheet... then with and without pajamas... then I did the cover thing with and without pajamas... then without the pajamas, without the covers, with the drapes open...

And that's how I found out I can't sleep in jail cells either.

While I was in jail I met a guy named Dooley. He was a chronic masturbater. He was always being locked up for that. (Apparently that's another thing you can't do in a school zone) And it seems that the guys in the others cells, though initially amused, eventually complained because it was affecting their sleep, as well. So the jailer hooked the guy up with some manacles and chains, arranged to keep Dooley's hands away from his crotch. Now Dooley was determined and, in his sex starved brain, thought he could woo the chains into being just a little bit longer. He would whisper promises to them... he would flatter them... he would tell lies to them... he would accuse them of being longer for shorter guys.

He even named them. The one that clinked around a lot he names Margie. And the fat, black one was Jasmine. (I think they were two of his ex-wives).

I was only in the slammer for one night but I still Tweet with several of the dealers I met there. Nice guys. They tell me that one day Dooley stopped talking to the chains. Later, when he was allowed to take a shower he just rubbed it long enough to get it clean. After he was released he was never arrested for jerking off in public again. In fact, they told me that Dooley became a politician and is now only jerking other people off.

But I digress.

Recently, I decided to start sleeping on the passenger side of my bed. I have a pillow top mattress that cannot be flipped over and where I usually sleep has gone from a shallow groove to a dip to, now, I have trouble rolling out of it in the morning. I have to get up on my elbows to see what time it is in the middle of the night. So I decided to move to the high ground on the other side of the bed.

Do you have any idea how hard it is for a left handed, anal retentive, insomniac to learn to sleep on the wrong side of the bed? I have to remember to look the other way to see what time it is... I have to hold my pills in my right hand and drink from my left... if I get to sleep, I have to remember to, unconsciously, sprawl the other direction... My ceiling fan is not centered over my bed and now the air flow is all wrong... the light seeping in from the kitchen window is at the wrong angle and now all of the shadows really do look like people...

Sometimes I miss the sound of someone breathing gently next to me... a soft snore interrupted by a warm body turning slightly during peaceful sleep... and sometimes, every now and then, on a warm summer evening, I even miss the sounds of Dooley cranking one out.

Man, I wish I could sleep.

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The preceding story was based upon actual internet rumors. Only the chains have been named.
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But... there must be some mistake!

SCREEEEEEEECH!!!! That is the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. By the way, do they still have chalk boards? I can see how O.S.H.A. may have banned them; what with the dust and all. What would that be called: White Lung Disease?

But I digress.

One of the things that annoys me more than fingernails on a chalkboard or stream of consciousness digressions is stupidly written headlines. I know they try to convey as much information in as few words as possible, and that sometimes they try to be cutesy with the wording but, damn it, at least get the big idea right!

A current example came in today's batch of internet headlines:

Retail Sales are Down, But Inflation Expected to Remain Low

My problem with this particular headline is the "but". People don't normally raise prices on things they can't sell. The word "but" is supposed to be used to introduce a contrasting thought to the discussion. Such as "Her eyes were huge but her butt was bigger". But in today's example, low sales and low inflation are complimentary ideas. Such as "Her breasts were magnificent".

A lot of blog writers get almost all of their daily information from a quick scan of the headlines. If headline writers don't start using words correctly, what will happen to all of the pinheads who only read blogs for their info?

Before long people will begin believing all kinds of crazy things. Ideas like, that the better than 50% of the people opposed to Health Care Reform aren't representative of America. It might even force elected officials like Arlen Specter to actually look "representative" up in a dictionary. Maybe the headline writers will get a kick out of how the people who don't represent America used the poll booth to tell Specter and his colleagues that they weren't representing America.

It might read something like:

Government Take Over Defeated, But Democracy Wins



But I digress.

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Providentially Speaking

Rhode Island is closer to changing the state's name over slavery. The country's smallest state has the longest official name: "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations."

A push to drop "Providence Plantations" from that name advanced farther than ever on Thursday when House lawmakers voted 70-3 to let residents decide whether to shorten the state's name. It's an encouraging sign for those who believe the formal name conjures up images of slavery.

Opponents to the bill think the new name: "State of Rhode Island and..." would just be silly. One high ranking state official was quoted as saying, "Just removing "Providence Plantations" is not enough. Obviously we have more work to do."

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Small Talk

I was on the deck, outside the resort's dance hall, this weekend. A light drizzle was pattering off the leaves of some nearby trees but the breeze was still warm. Through the double doors into the club I could see several dozen couples swaying to Etta James' At Last.

Davey walked out, fishing a cigarette from his pocket. I flicked open my Zippo and lit it for him.

"Where's your girl?" I asked, looking past him at a tight little behind I hadn't noticed before.

"Oh... we, uh, broke up." He said quietly.

"Really? I thought she was a keeper."

"Well, we had a communication problem. I mean, I couldn't say anything without her misunderstanding me."

"Maybe you mumble." I suggested.

"I don't mumble." he said.

"What?"

"I said I don't... Ah, shut up Johnny."

"Jeeze," I replied. "Maybe that's why she left you."

"She didn't leave me, I left her!"

" 'Cause I heard you don't communicate so good. You know what I mean?"

Davey just stared at me for a couple of heartbeats. Then he continued his story. "A good example of her not understanding me was our last phone conversation."

Go ahead, I nodded telepathically.

"I swear, she was like Gracie Allen. We were going 'round and 'round about something when, finally, I'd had enough. So I said to her, 'Listen, we're breaking up.' She was quiet for a second or two and then she said real loud, 'Can you hear me NOW?' "

When we both stopped laughing, he flicked his butt over the rail and into a puddle. The song inside had changed and he said, "Later." and went in.

A moment after that, Frank walked out. Frank is a day trader and is always talking finances. "I think my ARM is getting ready to readjust." he said morosely.

"Have you tried using shorter strokes?" I asked.

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Click to Enlarge

The Interweb made me laugh this morning. I was having my morning cup of coffee, looking at my Daily 5 on Match.com. These are the sweet things that The Great and Powerful Oz (the man behind the curtain) chooses for me each night while I am sleeping.

Today's batch was entertaining.

First there was the lady with NO baggage at all. It seems that she was jilted by a fellow from Easton, PA, who is a former Marine, a control freak, and who takes his gifts back when he leaves. She claims she spent too much time on this jerk and was warning the other ladies that "he's out there." My guess is that, by now, about 25% of the women are breaking up with their former marine boyfriends, 17% are breaking up with their control freak boyfriends, 12% are hiding their gifts, and the rest are looking for this guy's profile, convinced that they can change him.

Next, it is very rare for my Daily 5 to not include some blind dates. These are women who have chosen not to post a picture. These women are problematic to me. Now, I would like to think that I am not so superficial that looks are everything. In fact, I even talked to one of the Blond Bombshells about this and she said she wasn't posting her pictures in order to weed out the shallow jerks. When I asked her how that was working out, she started to describe some of the losers who showed up: a) because they had not posted a picture either b) because if they had posted a picture they would have never gotten a date with my friend and c) because they made dates with girls without pictures figuring they couldn't get any of the girls who were "pretty enough" to post a picture. My friend now post pictures.

Another problem with the ladies who don't post pictures is their profiles. Every now and then, one of them will list "skinny dipping" as a turn on. This suits me fine because I live at a nudist resort. And, quite honestly, where I live tends to weed out a number of potential dates. So, running across a profile that calls skinny dipping a turn on usually catches my eye.

Unfortunately, a blind date at a nudist resort is like a thousand times worse than a blind date at the local diner. To get here my date has to pass through a security check point, then register at the office, where my name is announced over the loudspeaker to come to the office to meet my guest, and then I have to run the gauntlet of questions as I walk to the office. Not exactly a secret process. Then, if we don't hit it off, it's not a quick cup of coffee, a piece of pie and a "see you later." It is pretty much of a commitment and by that point she is "meeting my friends." Which I think is the modern equivalent of meeting the family back in the pre-war days.

So, I usually skip over the ones with no picture posted.

Today, I was given four choices in my Daily 5. I figure that either means that out of about 750,000,000 gazillion women, The Great and Powerful Oz could only find four to match my unique criteria or one of the four were, like, DOUBLE good.

I didn't have to look far to find the double good one... and she wasn't twins... although, how cool would that be? She did, however, look like she weighed about the same as two large twins... after a big meal... say if they ate another set of twins.

But the thing that cracked me up this morning was the little hyperlink under her photo that said: Click to Enlarge. My first thought was that I would need a bigger monitor. Then I wondered if it would be a satellite picture? Then I began wondering how many other people have already clicked on her and if that was her problem? Which all seems a little unfair.

It is unfair that the first girl had so much baggage and no destination.

It is unfair to the ex-marine with gifts to give.

It is unfair to the poor girls without photos who are going to miss out on all the men with discernment.

It is unfair to the poor girl who has Clicking Causes Enlargement Syndrome.

It is unfair to the poor guys who have to download Google Earth to view the Double Mint Twin.

And it is unfair to me. How can they only give me four choices for my Daily 5?

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The Death Car

When I was about five or six years old, I saw something horrible. We lived in Rocky River, Ohio at the time. It was probably late in 1957. Back when kids walked everywhere.

My brother, Frankie, 5 years my senior, and I were walking across the bridge into Cleveland to go see the Saturday matinee at one of the old movie houses. If I am remembering my time frame correctly, my mother was probably pregnant with my sister, Susan, and my dad was working, making hand poured peanut brittle in a little candy shop in downtown Cleveland.

I have seen pictures of myself from that time and, I swear to God, I looked like Beaver Cleaver and Frankie looked like Wally. So, in my mind's eye, I sort of picture that day as Frankie walking slightly ahead of me, wanting to get to the movie and me lagging behind, goofing around. I was probably bouncing a ball or kicking a stone or something. Or walking in a lurching gait, one foot on the sidewalk the other in the gutter. Sort of bouncing with every other step. I can almost hear the Toy Parade playing in the background.

As we came around a slight curve on the bridge, we could tell there was something going on up ahead. At first, our view was blocked by several cars parked on our side of the road. As we got closer, there were several men and women standing around an old dark green coupe from the late forties, doing that kind of out loud whispering reserved for funeral homes or adult talk after the kids were in bed.

I heard words like, "all dead", "drunk", "blood everywhere", and "middle of the night". My brother and I were able to walk up to the car pretty much unnoticed. The first thing I remember was that the front wheel was up on the sidewalk, the white wall tire was flat. As we made our way around the front fender I could see splotches of blood(?) on the inside of the split windshield. The side windows were rolled down and I could see more blood on the cloth upholstery. There were several empty bottles on the seats.

But the thing I will never forget was the smell. I know that I have never smelled that exact combination of odors since then, but when I concentrate on it, I can recall them clearly. It was a mix of some kind of cheap but strong booze, blood, perfume and burnt rubber or hot engine or something. Every now and then, I will get a strong whiff of just one of those scents and it is enough to send me back to that morning.

The other thing was the unreasoning fear that I felt. I knew that something very wrong and bad had happened. And that maybe it would somehow follow me home. When I started to cry, Frankie took me by the hand and pulled me away from the smell and the whispering people.

I don't remember if we went on to see the movie that day or not. And I don't remember talking to my parents about what I had seen. Maybe my brother did. I never found out what happened in that car, either. Was it somehow a drunken party gone horribly wrong? Was it a mob hit? A jealous spouse? An accident? And where were the police? And the bodies? Did anyone survive? I never found out any of that stuff.

I was just a kid and nobody talked to kids back then. But what I saw on the bridge that day had an affect on my life. It introduced me to a part of life I had never known about. A place where even adults can get into trouble. Where fun can become dangerous. And a knowledge that, just outside my bedroom window, things were going on... in the dark.

It's funny not being able to forget something I knew so little about. All I ever really knew for sure was that something very wrong and bad had happened and, as I had feared, it had somehow followed me home.

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Stand Up - Sit Down!

Every time I've tried to do stand up I have been told to sit down.

Maybe it's my timing. Maybe it's my delivery. Maybe it's my audience. Like, I remember telling my now ex-wife one time that "marriage is the only thing that you cannot idiot-proof. Somebody always underestimates the bigger idiot."

Then we got into this whole thing about how she has never underestimated me. Blah, blah, blah.

So, never wanting to win a good battle, I forged on. "You know, I like to eat an apple right after smoking a cigar. It tends to refresh my pallet. Which is probably why I also like to eat lobster right after sex." After a long slow beat she grudgingly said, "O.K., why?" "Well, I still have that fishy taste... but it's classier."

Having just re-read that last line, I'm pretty sure it's not my timing.

Later, after half an episode of Jeopardy, things calmed down a little and I asked her if she knew why they used to call the female sailors W.A.V.E.S. She was silent for a long time. Pretty much through the whole next commercial. Then, just when I thought she had forgotten my question, she said, "Why!" "I think it was because vaginal swabs was already taken."

That was pretty much it for that night. The next morning, as she was getting dressed for work. I was still in bed, lying on my side, making circles on the sheet with my finger. I looked up at her as she was pulling some sexy under-thing on, back lit by the morning sun streaming through the blinds. Innocently, I asked, "How do you tell if a woman over fifty is HOT?" "I dunno," she said distractedly. "How?" "She dresses in layers" I answered.

I honestly don't think it is my delivery, either.

That night, over dinner, she commented that I could be a "professional comic." "Really?" I asked hopefully. "Certainly. A genius makes the difficult look easy." I puffed out my chest preparing to say something witty when she continued. "But a professional... a professional makes the routine look difficult."

While I was brooding through Wheel of Fortune, I kept thinking of all the things I should have said. Finally I turned to her and blurted, "You know, all I've ever wanted to be was a regular guy. Ex-Lax is just a Band-Aid."

When she didn't bite on that one I kept the momentum going. "Speaking of professional... I don't know if you know it, but I considered a number of professions over the years. At one time I was convinced that I wanted to be a dentist. But then I realized I just couldn't bear to see that many women spit." She got it. I know she got it. But she never even looked up. So I went on, "Then I thought, maybe I'll be a gynecologist. But after a while, I figured that I'd just end up taking my work home with me."

All I could hear were the sound of crickets. And, I swear, a tumble weed rolled past my recliner. I couldn't understand it. It must be the audience.

Later that year, I got a hot tub for my wife. It was the best trade I ever made.

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The Opinion Zone

Some super powers suck.

I know, I know. We don't really have super powers but some people act as if they do. And because they are so involved in their own irrational belief systems, they automatically assume that everyone around them should act and believe the same as they do. This is their Opinion Zone.

Think of it as Sue Storm's force field.

Let me give you a benign example. One of the Blond Bombshells has a smile to die for. And a dimple you could lose your heart in. So when she walks into a room it lights up. Everyone smiles. Everyone is affected by her positive personality. Once she became aware of the affect she had on other people - it became a super power. But that's cool. She only uses it for good.

Another example is a woman I used to know who couldn't seem to keep her clothes on. So, she would be in the middle of a party, or on the dance floor, or in the break room with a co-worker and before he could say, "Is that an all over tan?" she would be naked. Her particular zone of influence compelled other to dis-robe also. Somehow, she has managed to stay out of jail and keep her job so I figure she might have other super powers, as well.

Several of my friends are very "spiritual". This somehow elevates their religious opinions to a higher plane. What it also means is a lot of Christian-bible-and organized religion bashing and that since they find solace in any form of religious thought (other than Christian and bible related doctrine) they can freely believe in anything or nothing with equal facility. Basically, they do not want to believe in any religion that might keep them from doing what they want to do. They want to live guilt free and want no eternal consequences for their actions while cloaking themselves in "spiritual" respectability. Unfortunately, their super power does not let them even consider that there may be another opinion in the room.

I have another friend who has decided to fight for the gay agenda. So, every time any gay reference comes up that he may take the wrong way he says, "Hey! Careful there, I have gay friends!" Which is way sillier than "Hey! Careful there, I am gay!" because now we are supposed to vicariously accept someone else's zone of influence through this Bozo. What are we supposed to say? "Uh... sorry. We wouldn't want to offend anyone who's not in the room."

What about the vast majority of people who are not convinced of the efficacy of the gay lifestyle? Why does their opinion not count? Do they just not have super powers or are their super powers nullified by the decibels of the louder super power.

Is it O.K. to tell someone that their opinions are too loud?

In fact, when did we lose the right to have any opinion at all? It seems like the more some smaller groups lobby for their personal freedoms the more freedoms the majority has to give up. Including the freedoms of thought and expression.

There is a hate-crime bill currently before Congress that says certain speech is illegal if it makes another feel uncomfortable or threatened. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not in favor of threatening (much less harming) anyone. But the language of this legislation is so vague that it could allow a witch hunt for people with opposing views. Because the so-called crime would be highly subjective all someone would have to do is claim that they felt threatened and the law would be broken.

I do not believe this legislation will pass in it's current form. Or, if it does, it will not stand the test of the Supreme Court. But the very idea that they are trying to make this kind of thought control the law of the land should tell you how prevalent the Opinion Zone mentality is.

No opinion is valid but their own. No opinion should be heard except theirs. And if they can't shout us down, they will intimidate us with trumped up legislation. They are either very sure of themselves or very unsure.

Either way, we are surrounded by people who will brook no opinions other than their own on the claim of either being offended or of feeling threatened by something. Their amazing super power allows them to extend the zone of their opinions way beyond their own thoughts into the lives and actions of those around them and they are, apparently, impervious to others' ideas.

Which makes me just want to put my foot up their spandex clad asses.

Where is the Cone of Silence when we need it?



BTW, to all of my friends on both sides of all issues: If you only hear what YOU want to hear... it is not free speech.

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