Stand Up - Sit Down!

Every time I've tried to do stand up I have been told to sit down.

Maybe it's my timing. Maybe it's my delivery. Maybe it's my audience. Like, I remember telling my now ex-wife one time that "marriage is the only thing that you cannot idiot-proof. Somebody always underestimates the bigger idiot."

Then we got into this whole thing about how she has never underestimated me. Blah, blah, blah.

So, never wanting to win a good battle, I forged on. "You know, I like to eat an apple right after smoking a cigar. It tends to refresh my pallet. Which is probably why I also like to eat lobster right after sex." After a long slow beat she grudgingly said, "O.K., why?" "Well, I still have that fishy taste... but it's classier."

Having just re-read that last line, I'm pretty sure it's not my timing.

Later, after half an episode of Jeopardy, things calmed down a little and I asked her if she knew why they used to call the female sailors W.A.V.E.S. She was silent for a long time. Pretty much through the whole next commercial. Then, just when I thought she had forgotten my question, she said, "Why!" "I think it was because vaginal swabs was already taken."

That was pretty much it for that night. The next morning, as she was getting dressed for work. I was still in bed, lying on my side, making circles on the sheet with my finger. I looked up at her as she was pulling some sexy under-thing on, back lit by the morning sun streaming through the blinds. Innocently, I asked, "How do you tell if a woman over fifty is HOT?" "I dunno," she said distractedly. "How?" "She dresses in layers" I answered.

I honestly don't think it is my delivery, either.

That night, over dinner, she commented that I could be a "professional comic." "Really?" I asked hopefully. "Certainly. A genius makes the difficult look easy." I puffed out my chest preparing to say something witty when she continued. "But a professional... a professional makes the routine look difficult."

While I was brooding through Wheel of Fortune, I kept thinking of all the things I should have said. Finally I turned to her and blurted, "You know, all I've ever wanted to be was a regular guy. Ex-Lax is just a Band-Aid."

When she didn't bite on that one I kept the momentum going. "Speaking of professional... I don't know if you know it, but I considered a number of professions over the years. At one time I was convinced that I wanted to be a dentist. But then I realized I just couldn't bear to see that many women spit." She got it. I know she got it. But she never even looked up. So I went on, "Then I thought, maybe I'll be a gynecologist. But after a while, I figured that I'd just end up taking my work home with me."

All I could hear were the sound of crickets. And, I swear, a tumble weed rolled past my recliner. I couldn't understand it. It must be the audience.

Later that year, I got a hot tub for my wife. It was the best trade I ever made.

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The Professionals

I had to have my furnace serviced yesterday morning. The problem turned out to be water (condensation) had migrated into the oil filter and froze overnight, causing the furnace to starve for fuel. I paid attention to everything the service guy did and I asked a lot of questions. The parts came to $8.50. The labor was $105.

About a year ago I had a slow leak in my hot tub. The problem turned out to be a cracked rubber o-ring in the pump's bleeder hole. I paid attention to everything the service guy did and I asked a lot of questions. The parts came to $0.25 and the labor was $75.

Now, I'm no dummy when it comes to mechanical stuff. I spent years running newspaper presses, could tear them apart and rebuild them from scratch and gave seminars on maintenance and trouble shooting. Prior to that I was the plant maintenance guy for a metal fabrication plant and was in charge of installing the electrical and compressed air to the new equipment. So, I'm not shy around mechanical maintenance issues.

I do, however, use discretion in not tearing something apart that I've never worked on before. So, I'll call the hot tub guy or the furnace guy once and pick their brains. I stand around like a typical home owner, my hands in my pockets, asking naive questions, and offering lame suggestions.

But these guys are slick, too. They know that they make their money on the labor end of the call. The parts rarely amount to anything. So they usually have a flurry of non-related activity and spend about ten minutes in their parts bin searching for the "right one". Because that's another trick they use -- your parts are always "hard to find".

So, I hang around, looking like a doofus, watching how things go together. Knowing that most of what they are doing is a dog and pony show. I've done the same thing myself to sell a boss on a new piece of equipment or to hire an extra guy.

This summer I had to replace that o-ring in the hot tub, again. It cost me $0.25 and less than a half an hour of my time. I also discovered that if you over-tighten the plug it cracks the o-ring and that the heat from the pump eventually dries out the rubber, making the crack worse, and the leak returns in about six months. Something I'm sure the hot tub guy knew when he over-tightened it the last time.

I guess I've said all of that to make this observation on life:

An expert will make the difficult look simple.
A professional will make the simple look difficult.

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