Help Yourself

There are basically two kinds of hosts and two kinds of guests. The secret to a good party is in making sure everyone is on the same page.

Both kinds of hosts will say "Sure, help yourself!" then kind of wave distractedly towards whatever is needed with his free arm or hand. His other hand or arm is busy flipping meat on the grill, pouring drinks or is encircling the petite waist of the best looking redhead at the party.

The difference between the two kinds of hosts is that host (a) means "I have everything laid out for you and I'm kinda busy here so - help yourself." And it is obvious where the drinks, food, and bathrooms are. Host (b) is a different breed. He genuinely gives from the heart. He would give you one of his shirts to wear when you spill a drink. Give you a cigar from his private stock and literally means, "What's mine is yours - help yourself."

The difference between the two kinds of guests are very similar. Guest (a) has a sense of boundaries and tries not to make a mess; cleans up after themselves. Doesn't double dip. He hears "help yourself" as a polite invitation to enjoy what has been laid out for him and to enjoy the party. Guest (b) is a different breed. He takes the "help yourself" offer as a challenge. He'll root through the library desk until he finds the keys to the liquor cabinet then shows up on the deck with a bottle of thirty year old scotch. He'll buff his shoes with the hand towels from the master bath. He'll find the private cigar stock and take some "for later."

As I said the secret to a good party is the proper matching of hosts to guests. Ideally, you want a "host (a)/guest (a)" kind of party. The kind where the host pays attention to all the details before his guests arrive so that he can enjoy his own party and that petite redhead. And the kind where the guests are there to enjoy some good food and friendship.

Another O.K. scenario is when guest (b) shows up but host (b) is there giving away the store anyway. Although it does sort of take the wind out of guest (b)'s sails when host (b) actually opens the private liquor cabinet and says, "No, I insist, take the bottle. Help yourself."

Where it gets a little dicey is when guest (b) tells his wife to carry "the big purse" to a host (a) party. Or if host (b) offers to send a case of Robert Mondavi to his hapless teetotaler guest (a). Someone is bound to feel awkward.

Fortunately, most of the host (b)'s are protected from themselves by their real friends.

And most of the guest (b)'s are busy either getting caught by other guests or they couldn't make it that night because they had a load of Holiday Inn towels to wash.