Zen and the Art of Deck Staining

Well, Spring is here again and since this is an even numbered year (2006) it is deck staining time! Yeahhhhh! I reserve the odd numbered years for major yard work or for house repair.

I live at a nudist resort and (weather permitting) I do everything in the nude. This may or may not mean anything to this story but I get a kick out of saying it.

I think it was Spider-man who didn't say that "With great tasks also comes great advice." And AFAYK this is often true. In this case, I have a neighbor who never tires of telling me how I do things the wrong way. Take staining my deck for instance. It is slow, tedious, back breaking work. My neighbor, also named John, thinks it is stupid to do it the slow, hard way. He says I should use a spray applicator and turn my four day job into several hours. But, of course I'd have the additional expense of the spray gun, I'd have to cover the house siding, the hot tub and all the plants to protect them from over-spray and I'd probably have to come up with some sort of thinning mixture to keep the sprayer from clogging. Then I would have to brush out the areas where the spray overlapped to make it look good.

That sounds like a lot of work and a lot of potential things that could go wrong. My way is I take my clothes off (heh! heh!), open the can of stain, and brush it onto the wood. Eventually I'm done.

I guess the thing is, nobody likes unwanted advice. And, in this case, John is wrong on two counts. First, Rule # 64 in the Guy Handbook clearly states that one guy should never tell another guy that he is doing something the wrong way. That job is reserved for women. Guys should only tell other guys how they would have done it themselves.

And the second thing that John is wrong about is that he thinks I am staining my deck...I'm working on my tan.

Misguided Angel

Have you ever wondered why bad things happen to good people? Or why bad things happen to just regular people? Well, I have another As Far As You Know (AFAYK) theory. I think that guardian angels are just like everything else in the created universe. There are some really great ones and there are some really bad ones and there are a whole lot of mediocre ones in the middle.

Now, depending upon which school of angelogy you subscribe to, guardian angels somehow keep bad stuff from happening to us. This could include affecting our timing (keeping us from crossing the street in front of a bus), our awareness (keeping us from burning the roof of our mouth with a hot Pop Tart), and our decision making (keeping us from telling the equally drunk guy on the next barstool that his chick has great tits).

Some people claim to have bad luck. Or do they just have a lousy guardian angel? And what about good luck? Can they actually make good things happen or are they just supposed to prevent bad things from happening? Do people with really great guardian angels never have accidents? What about regular people who suddenly seem to have a string of bad luck? This happened to me recently. And this is what I think happened.

I don't know why but I think of my guardian angel's name as Herkimer. That's right, he has a name. I think I have one of the mediocre ones and that (not unlike me) he is easily distracted. You see, about five years ago my wife and I became nudists. We liked it so much that we bought a place at the nudist resort we go to and we went to Jamaica on some nude vacations. About four years ago I began to have some health problems and three years ago my job was downsized. Then we had a bunch of financial problems and we had to give up our house. During all of this my wife and I argued a lot. I think what happened is that Herkimer got distracted and stayed behind on our last trip to Jamaica. I like to think of him sitting at a tiki bar, drinking coconut rum and pineapple juice, oogling all the naked women.

I also think that couples have two guardian angels. My wife's job is going good, her health is great, and she is enjoying our new home. It seems like she has one of the better guardian angels and he/she is still on the job.

Having figured out that Herkimer is MIA I realized that I would have to take matters in my own hands. I needed better timing, greater awareness and had to hone my decision making skills. In short, I took control of my life. I have my health problems regulated and I am embarking upon a new career as a writer (my life long dream). I don't miss the pressures of my old job or the upkeep and mortgage of my old house and I have a regular income, again. And things are back to normal (wedded bliss) with my wife and I again. I'm eating right, exercise regularly and write daily.

So do I miss Herkimer? Not really. My guess is that I am a better person than he is a guardian angel. But we are planning another trip to Jamaica next year and if he and I hook up I'll probably know it because my timing will be off.

Rorschach Roads

I was driving down a country road this morning and saw a paper napkin stuck in the lower branches of a scraggly tree. At first glance it looked like a white paper cut out of a duck. And this got me to thinking about how we see things that aren't really there. Like a cloud shaped like a rocket ship or a line drawing of a rabbit in the bare branches of a tree. During moments of total isolation and concentration (sitting on the toilet) I often see pirate faces and Taj Mahal type buildings in the patterns of the wallpaper or the flooring tiles.

Does this mean I'm nuts? Probably not. Does this mean I'm not nuts? There is not enough data from the example to answer that question. However, it does mean I am human and like the Rorschach inkblots of legend our subconscious minds like to fill in the gaps. Call it psycho-babble or imagination, we should be grateful for it.

This ability is the human version of a gyroscope. It allows our minds to go to other places when it is difficult to cope with reality. Such as soldiers in combat or hurricanes or plane crashes. I also believe that this ability (or one closely related to it) allows us to see the good in people as well. Sometimes a human connection (respect, friendship, love) is made because one or two people can look beyond the obvious tangle of string in the junk drawer of life and see the petals of a rose.

The antithesis of this can also be our undoing. I have been guilty of looking at things and people so closely that all I see is the dirty napkin stuck in the lower branches of a scraggly tree. But an open mind (or heart) allows us to see the duck or perhaps the swan that has come into our lives.

Life is funny and there are lessons to be learned everywhere. I am learning to dream a little more each day and I am grateful for others that are willing to look beyond the obvious reality and abstract patterns of my life to see the person they believe I am.

The Women of 24

I have been noticing something interesting while watching -24- this season. And thinking back it's been true the last four seasons as well. Women are a huge component of this show. And they all either have secret agendas, personal relationships that must remain secret, feminist hang ups or are on the verge of a psychological or emotional meltdown. Conversely, the men are usually moving the story foreward under the constant stress of the terrorist attacks and facing self-sacrifice in the line of duty. But it seems that the women are there to get in the way and complicate things. To slow down the resolution of the story.

Now, before all of my female readers start forming a lynch party, hear me out. I'm saying that it is the writers of the show who are responsible for this. I'm just making the observation. I think there are a lot of great actresses on this show doing a helluva job. It's just that the job they are given to do is to be obstacles.

If you don't believe me let's take a quick look at last night's episode:

• Karen Hayes from Homeland Security is running CTU and seems to constantly have a different agenda from what Jack needs to do.
• Collette Stinger, terrorist, claims that Audrey Raines sold info to the terrorist group and that she (Collette) was just the broker and had no idea what the schematic was for.
• Jack finds out from Chloe O'Brian that Audrey has slept with Walt Cummings, former White House Chief of Staff turned current dead traitor.
• Karen wants to torture Audrey for more info.
• Jack wastes time argueing with Karen and interrogates Audrey.
• Audrey lies to Jack about Walt.
• Sheri Rothenberg replaces poor dead Edgar and Chloe gives her attitude.
• Karen still wants to torture Audrey.
• Miles has a problem with Sheri working at CTU and Chloe finds out that Sheri had filed a sexual harrassment complaint against Miles in the past.
• Jack still thinks it's a waste of time to torture Audrey when they could be torturing Collette who, unfortunately, has Presidential immunity. Unless Jack can prove she has lied in order to get the immunity.
• Chloe finds a connection between Collette and Henderson, proving Collette was lying to obtain the immunity, thus nullifying it.
• Jack finally gets Collette to reveal what was in the schematic that she sold to the terrorists.
• Chloe and Sheri use their wiz-kid know how to pinpoint the site of the next attack.
• Jack rushes off to save the day.
• Sheri starts building a sexual harrassment case against Buchanan because his hand brushed her shoulder.
• The terrorists do some more bad stuff, Jack and the team fight back and everybody at the gas plant gets blown up. Or do they?

That's a pretty typical episode.

And don't forget all the other females in all the other sub-plots such as Kim Bauer who won't cut Jack any slack once she finds out that Jack (her father) is not dead and Martha Logan, the first lady, who drifts between total schizo to the only voice of reason.

OK, what does all of this mean. It means -24- is a really exciting, edge-of-the-seat, must see show with plenty of action, plot twists and great performances. AND that the writers mostly use the female characters as plot devices to slow down the action of the main story line because they have to make it last 24 episodes.

So it occurred to me, that if there weren't any women in -24-, it could have probably been called -3- or possibly -6- at the most.

Farewell to B.S.

Barbra Streisand is planning another farewell tour 6 years after she was supposed to have finally shut up. And reports have it that she plans to charge $1,500 per seat and make $2,000,000 per date on a 20 concert tour.

Now, I know Barbra has her fans, etc. and that this is probably good news in some circles but I'm thinking of two areas where she is taking unfair advantage. The first is that she is sure to use this tour as an opportunity to try to drum up some more anti-Bush propaganda. She will be suddenly in the entertainment news cycles on TV and doing the talk show circuit. And the truth is that apart from her "celebrity" status nobody would give a damn about her far left, specious opinions.

The other area where she is taking unfair advantage is renegging on her promise that she was leaving. I am sure a lot of fans (and others) couldn't wait to plop down the $150 ticket price in 2000 A.D. to get to see her LAST performance. These people sacrificed their time and money and were swindled. As fans, they no longer have bragging rights (that they paid hard cash for) to be able to claim they saw her in her last concert performance. Now all they can do is hang their heads in shame and mumble that they paid scalper prices in 2000 to see just another B.S. performance.

Now it is 2006 and she has apparently realized that left wing rhetoric doesn't pay as well as she thought and James Brolin's acting career sure as hell isn't going to support her in the lifestyle she's been used to. So the $150 in 2000 has become $1,500 in 2006 and all of the previously cheated fans are supposed to sit still for it. But not any more! I am calling for a fan boycott of the upcoming tour and a class action lawsuit by the people swindled with the false promises of her last last tour.

Let the world know we've had enough B.S. to last a lifetime.

Global Warming

I finally watched The Day After Tomorrow movie. I realize this puts me a little behind the curve but at least I'm not getting lost in the crowd of the so called "timely" reviewers.

My first reaction was incredulity. I am supposed to believe that because I drive a car and like red meat that I am somehow overheating the global atmosphere and that this, in turn, will trigger, over night, a new ice age. I am such a bastard. It is just too bad that we don't all have the social consciousness of the Hollywood elite whose sports cars and limousines run on spring water and whose mansions are heated and cooled with pixie dust. And don't forget John Travolta's fleet of jets that are fueled by Scientology rather than Science. (Didn't Mr. Kotter teach him anything?)

When did politically motivated retoric replace hard science. Everyone knows that statistical analysis and computer models of future trends cannot be based upon incidental observation or short term samplings.

I am reminded of an episode of Gilligan's Island where the Professor stuck a stick in the sand near the edge of the lagoon. When he returned a little while later, the stick was closer to the water's edge. He continued to observe the stick and came to the conclusion that the island was sinking and at the current rate the water was rising they would all be drowned by midnight. Naturally everyone panicked. After all, there was the hard evidence of the water rising and they had the scientific community predicting disaster. It turned out that the tide was coming in.

In the past 50 years the average earth temperature has risen maybe half a degree while conversely many places reported record highs and lows, as well. But even if there was a general global warming trend, why not go to the simplest explanation first? Isn't it possible that we are still at the tail end of the last ice age? That the few remaining glaciers are still receding, which in turn will have its continued slight but gradual affect on air temperatures and water levels? And that maybe, just maybe, the sky is not falling?

All I'm saying is, whenever Hollywood, the news media and liberal politicians all agree on something that coincidentally condemns capitalism, progress, America's traditional values or mankind's right to exist on the planet, maybe we should question their motives as well as their science.

Deal or No Deal

I have been watching Deal or No Deal recently and I've begun to wonder how much pseudo-drama Howie Mandell can continue to generate for such a one note show. How many times can we hear (after the contestant chooses the $1,000,000 case) "That's alright. You STILL have $200,000 on the board."? Or "How would $27,000 change your life?"?

And then there are the lamo contestants, like the Mr. Mom who gave a heart felt speach about never stop daring to dream. I guess he's used to setting his sights pretty high.

Don't get me wrong, it's still pretty good TV and although it IS getting a little repetitive, NBC is making money, Howie is making money, the audience is dreaming vicariously through the contestants and getting to admire the sexy girls who are in turn showcasing their obvious talents, and I'm not sure whether I'm bitching or not.

What would YOU do with $1,000,000? Or $50?