Pseudophobic-hypochondria

I believe I have a condition called dys-lepathy. It is a combination of dyslexia and telepathy. It basically means I can read minds but I usually get it wrong.

This condition is common among men who have been married for extended periods of time. You know you have been married a long time when your memories can be organized into eras. We had our Hippie Clothes and Mutton Chop Side-burns Era, our First House/Money Pit Era, our Her Mother Won't Talk to Us Because Nina Quit College and Got Married Era, our Retail Sales Era, our Nina's Pregnant and How the Hell Am I Going to Support Three People Era, and so on and so forth.

Dys-lepathy is common among long-time married men because, as men, we think we can figure anything out (given enough time) so after some point we believe we know what she is thinking but, being men, we are also wrong. Considering the nature of things, the older we get -- the stronger this condition becomes until, one day, we die from frustration. They say heart disease is the silent killer. I believe it is frustration brought on by dys-lepathy.

Just when I think I have her figured out she tosses me a change-up. She will have the same reaction to something twenty times in a row so I begin to feel comfortable with that response to that situation. As soon as I begin to anticipate the response she will no longer respond that way. When questioned about it, she will say something like, "Oh, I thought you liked it" or "No. That wasn't me. You must be thinking of someone else." In other words, she develops the companion syndrome to dys-lepathy called selective amnesia.

Now, I will admit to having had several odd maladies over the years, Besides dys-lepathy I have had eroticomatosis, the condition whereby there is literally only enough blood for an erection or higher brain functions, causing me to pass out whenever I become aroused. This led to the Narcoleptic Swinger Era.

I have also suffered from precognitive amnesia. This is a condition whereby I cannot remember the future. This disease accounts for missed appointments, forgotten birthdays and anniversaries and incompletely filled shopping lists. It is a handy one to have around.

Of course my wife says I don't have precognitive amnesia, eroticomatosis, or dys-lepathy. She claims I have pseudophobic-hypochondria. This is a condition whereby I suffer from mostly fake conditions.

I knew she was going to say that.

I wonder if this qualifies me for handicappped parking?