Guys and Dolls

I saw a guy in drag the other day. Heeshee was waiting in line at the Walmart pharmacy. My first thought was, I wonder what Heeshee has caught. Then I wondered what Heeshee was spreading. Then, the salesman in me wondered who made ladies shoes in that size and if there was much of a market for them.

So I walked past this human side show in my never ending quest for Buckwheats cereal. It was discontinued sometime in the mid 70's and I keep hoping they'll bring it back. I really liked that cereal.

Later I saw the hopelessly confused dragmeister in the produce isle inspecting the cucumbers and carrots. Then, I made a mental note to stick to the Dole's Very Veggie Mix and leave the tubers to the professionals. While I was ruminating, Heeshee was joined by two other members of the Boys are Girls Club of America. Then I began wondering how you pee standing up if you are wearing pantyhose.

After a moment, I noticed them notice me noticing them. Not wanting to be known as the guy who was forced into white slavery by three angry men in dresses, I pushed my shopping cart on past them. But not before I nodded politely and said, "Gentlemen."

Which brings me to the actual meat of this story. I have a lady friend who absolutely hates to be called a guy. At first blush, you wouldn't think this would be much of a problem. She is curvy, and soft, and pink, and... and... you'd never mistake her, in a million years, for a guy. But if she is in a room of men and women and someone comes in and addresses them as, "Hi guys!", she will immediately say, "I'm not a guy."

Which brings me back to the trans-sexuals. Just as my lady friend is adamant about her sexual identity, these misfits if science are insisting on new categories. What was considered sick and perverse just 50 years ago (shortly before Buckwheats mysteriously disappeared), is now mainstream.

But morality aside, I was wondering about something else. By my last count (I'm making these numbers up) there are cataloged 73 separate, distinct sexual positions and, according to the new government health laws, there are seven, legally recognized, sexual gender categories. So I'm wondering two things: A) Why seven? With two original sexes, and all of the slice and dice variations, wouldn't you think it would always end up with an even number? And 3) Are the 73 separate and distinct sexual positions factoring in the seven legally recognized, sexual gender categories or do they now become a multiplier? Making it 511 possible sexual positions.

I, personally, have only ever completely mastered four of them. Well, five if you want to count that thing with the cat.

I guess what I am saying is that that is way too much sex for just seven, legally recognized, sexual gender categories. When does anybody get any work done? Maybe the recession has hit at a good time for America, sexually speaking. What with all the enforced free time, and all. It gives more people time to explore their sexuality and question their gender choices. Maybe this was the CHANGE everybody voted for in the last election.

One of the interns here at the International Escape Velocity Headquarters was just giving me a neck rub and was reading over my shoulder when she asked, "Did you ever think that you're not secure in your own masculinity?" Which got me to thinking. Maybe that's my lady friend's "guy" problem. As pretty, and sexy, and lovely, and curvy, and pink as she is... maybe she's not secure in her femininity. Maybe she has some trans-gender leaning that she is secretly ashamed of and, therefore, for the sake of her own psyche she has an overwhelming need to point out to everyone who will listen that she is "not a guy".




Which brings me back to the guy in drag at Walmart. I mean, it's not like I don't have empathy for the poor miserable slob. Because I, myself, am a man who very much wants to be in the body of a woman... I just want to get in there the traditional way.

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